


Of Blood and Shadows

by Akabara



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Emotional Baggage, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Gen, Lemon, Multi, Murder, Other, Post-Fourth Shinobi War, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:27:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 45,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25179148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akabara/pseuds/Akabara
Summary: A scent, a hand, a heartbeat, a heartbreak.There is no time for such things in the life of Kaira Tsuki. Haunted by a past she cannot forget, but secretely yearning for a better tomorrow... This love story is about letting oneself the chance to get more from life. Whether you deserve it or not.Note : This story takes place a couple of years post-Fourth Shinobi war, with some tweaking.
Relationships: Nara Shikamaru/Original Female Character(s), Other Naruto Character(s)/Original Character(s)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	1. What a beautiful day.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer : I do not own Naruto, the universe and characters from Naruto belong to Masashi Kishimoto.
> 
> Hello everyone,
> 
> It is my very first time 1) writing a fanfic and 2) posting it.  
> I have had this story in my head since my teenage years but never took the time or the courage to write it down and share it with anyone. At all. So big step today , getting out there !  
> I would like this to be several chapters long, I have no idea how long though. Right now I have puzzle pieces in my head and I am trying to draw the rest of it so the puzzle looks like something and makes sense !  
> Ideally, I intend to post every 2 weeks, but life happens so I make no promises.
> 
> English is not my first language so I hope it will still be readable and not contain too many mistakes, otherwise tell me :)
> 
> And... that's it ! I hope you will enjoy this very beginning.

She gazed upon Konohagakure and its busy, happy villagers, taking a moment to process everything it inspired her.

Anger.

Pain.

Guilt.

Excitement.

What is that last one? Ah. Yes.

 _Envy_.

“Alright now. Push it all back in. Just focus on the mission.” She told herself. “Everything else is just part of the decor.”

> \- What a beautiful day to work! she said out loud.

The village of Konoha was holding the Chuunin exam this year. She was in disguise, her face covered by a large straw hat, her body and weapons concealed behind her beige kimono.

A nobody. Exactly what she needed to be right now. It was so much simpler that way.

She walked past the busy main street, past the enticing smell of so called Ichiraku’s ramen, despite all the protest coming from her belly. She would have time for that later, once the job is done.  
Soon, the arena would be overflowed with villagers from all countries, coming to cheer on their respective Oh-so-skilled prodigies. Useless. Pathetic. A joke. Yes, it was a joke, an illusion of peace to keep everyone happy. If only they knew the snakes that the people of Konoha were. She knew better. There was no one worth her time here.

Well, that’s not true, a couple of people were.

But they were not here today, she made sure of it. She could do the job without worrying to be seen. Still, it was better to cover her face for now, just in case.

She sat in the front row, in the seat she had carefully selected, adjacent to the beautifully decorated Kage’s gallery, and opened all of her senses to her surroundings. She had already memorised the place to prepare, but she wanted to make sure everything was according to plan, as always. Afterall, she was paid to be thorough, and left nothing to chance. She was early, so she waited as people gathered in the many galleries.

The crowd was still settling in when a mumbling voice emanated from the Kage’s gallery.

> \- Uh, hello everyone. Konoha welcomes you to the international Chuunin final exam. As it is tradition, the remaining candidates will be randomly paired for their final confrontation…

“Yeah, we know the drill, genius. Come out with it now, Rokudaime” she thought.   
She was getting impatient. It was the part she loved the most. The moment before it happens. No one but she knows. The adrenaline starts to rush. She has planned this, and quite frankly it was going to be a piece of cake. That’s why she increased the challenge, to spice things up. It is always good to keep being creative in her line of work. Otherwise, it just loses its interest.

> \- This year is special, as we are hosting a very special guest… continued Takashi Hatake.

Oh yes, very special indeed. And special people deserve special treatment. Today was an unusual request. Normally she would prefer a more intimate setting. Twilight, or even pure darkness. No crowd of course, she didn’t like to be stared at. Not that she was ashamed or anything, quite the opposite even. She was a pro after all, she knew what she was doing and not to brag, but she was damn good at it. She would swiftly enter his bedroom, quiet as a cat, then blow out one candle, move away, then blow another one, and another one; just to build up the anticipation. By then, he would have stood up from the bed, looking around, listening to the wind coming through the open window, heartbeats getting faster and faster, his blood rushing. Then, as a pure incarnation of said wind, she would quietly stand behind him, envelop him, bend gently forward and oh… so softly plunge a kunai into his crazily beating heart.

> -I am happy to introduce our guest of honour, our venerable Daimyo of the Land of Fire.

“Almost… almost… NOW ! “ She had barely stood up from her seat that the Daimyo was laying in a pool of his own blood.

> \- What the HELL?! she yelled.

No one had registered what happened yet. But she was already scanning the crowd, looking for who the hell DARED to scoop HER target. No one did that to her. Nope. No. No no no no no. No.

She was Kaira Tsuki, the best and youngest assassin to hire across all five ninja countries, and anyone with the will to live knew better than to mess with her targets.

What a shame, it was a beautiful day.


	2. Just one look…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the second chapter, a little bit longer than the 1st one which was quite short! I am gonna try to keep a respectable lenght for the coming ones.  
> Ah and the name of my main OC is pronounced Ka-i-la (at least in my head !)  
> Feel free to comment and tell me if I can improve the formatting or the flow or anything in any way !  
> And of course tell me if you are getting curious or not :)
> 
> Edit 11/07/20: reworked just a little bit to improve the flow of a particular part

The Daimyo dropped dead and she had barely moved from her seat. Kaira (read Ka-i-la) was quick, but not that quick. And no one was quicker than her. Whoever did this had to be in the Kage’s gallery. There was no time to waste, the hunger for revenge growing every second. She jumped into the gallery, hearing some questioning voices behind her, but she couldn’t care less. She bent towards the body in the pool of blood. She searched it. “Damn it, it’s not even here!” she thought. That was nasty work, they had to have some blood on them after such a rushed kill. She would track them down with the blood.

She jumped out of the gallery, following the smell.

Ninjas of Konoha were starting to spread to find them too. Good luck to them! She would find the killer first. And give them a taste of what _quality_ work looks like…

She ran through the main street, in the opposite direction from earlier, resisted the strong smell of ramen again and kept running... Well, just a peak at the menu wouldn’t hurt, right?

The huge clash of two bodies running in opposite direction could be heard in the entire street, everyone stopped in their track.

Curse this hungry stomach! The mere second that thought took from her focus made her crash into some man in the street. She landed on her right side, left side on the stranger that was merely a useful cushion to land on. That said, it was a muscular cushion. Pushing that thought aside, she thankfully managed to keep her hat on through the fall, but her right sleeve was torn, showing her fair coloured skin. Damn it, she was going to lose the track! She started cursing at the man for not looking where he was going.

\- Hey, that voice… do I know you? He asked.

That voice... could it be? Then, a traitress gust of wind brought his smell to her nose. That scent... As she inhaled deeply, her heart stopped and her mouth shut. It was intoxicating. She was petrified. Nauseous. Both ecstatic and absolutely terrified. Then he stood up, and his hand grabbed her naked arm to pull her up. _Ba-dum._ That touch... it couldn’t be.

"He wasn’t supposed to be here" _._

Just as the fear of it, or rather the dream of it formed in her thoughts, her shaking legs betrayed her and her left hand took support on his chest as she stumbled, just upon his heart. He hold her up. _Ba-dum_. She could feel and hear his heartbeat now, a bit quickened after the fall. _Ba-dum_. She could feel his chest. _Ba-dum_. Her fingers remembering faster than her head every shape of it. _Ba-dum_. She couldn’t look up. _Ba-dum._

“Just one look...”

_Ba-dum_. No, she couldn’t let him see her. _Ba-dum_.

“How long has it been now?”

_Ba-dum._ She had to start running. _Ba-dum_. She had to hold him tight. _Ba-dum_. No, she had to let go. _Ba-dum._

_“_ Just one look...”

_Ba-dum_. No, she couldn’t give in. _Ba-dum._ She didn’t have the right to. _Ba-dum_.

_“_ Just one look...”

_Ba-dum Ba-dum_. No, she remembered. She lost that right a long time ago. _Ba-dum_. _Ba-dum. Ba-dum._

“Push it back. Bury it. Run. _Now_.”

> \- Hey, is everything alright? he asked.
> 
> -...

“ _Maybe_... _**Just one look** …” _

She glanced up at him through the straw hat, just a fraction of second, a tiny, wonderful and exhilarating fraction of second, before pushing him back to the ground and disappearing from the crowd in a rain of dust.

“Be still my heart, be still. We don’t want our prey to hear us from miles around”, she thought.

As her heart quietened down, she kept running towards the entrance of Konoha then entered the forest, a smile on her face and tears running down her cheeks. She managed to follow the scent of the blood, doing her best to push back the memory of another scent. She was fast, she would catch up eventually.

_A couple of hours later…_

“There” she thought, as the scent was growing stronger. She could sense only one person. Poor thing, he didn’t know what was coming for him. As soon as he was in sight, she summoned an earth wall right in front of him, effectively blocking his way. He turned around.

> \- Tss, took you long enough to catch up, I was expecting more from the infamous Kaira, said the man with a snark.

All right, so he knew who she was and he was expecting her. Interesting. There had to be some juicy story behind this, and certainly more presumptuous people to punish. Since there was no point for anonymity anymore, she removed her hat, freeing her long chestnut and golden locks, her hair falling to her waist.

> \- I just felt so sorry for what is waiting for you that I counted to 100 to give you some time ahead, you know, for mercy, said Kaira.

That said, she readied her kunai. She was not in the mood to make it last anymore. But it was _always_ fun to scare them. She started walking very slowly in his directions. Very, very slow. She built up more walls around him. She was coming, ever so slowly, and he knew it. He started doing some signs. “Fire jutsu? Pff, poor guy, if only you knew how powerless you are. Pathetic.” Her heart was beating as slowly as her pace, entirely focused on her prey in front of her. When she was two meters away from him, he released his jutsu. She got a better idea. She swallowed the whole red flame in. There it was! Right here in his eyes... _Fear_. Some theatrics always did the trick. She smirked as she exhaled a black flame in return. He was trapped and had nowhere to run, just like the flame had nowhere else to go. It only burnt him though, she didn’t want to ruin his possessions. It could be useful information afterall.

He was screaming as Kaira kept approaching. Eventually, she decided the screaming was more of a nuisance than anything. Yes, it was enough. When she arrived at his level, the fire extinguished at her command. Since he was still alive, might as well ask some questions.

As the man was prostrated on the floor, she searched him. It had to be somewhere. You don’t do the job we do without it, or you can get in serious trouble. Ah, there it was.

> \- What the hell? She asked. This is not an official assassination mandate. What is your guild? Are you new to this business or what?

The man laughed before coughing from the pain. He didn’t have much longer left.

> \- Right * _cough_ * pocket. Take it, he said.

Kaira looked into his right pocket, vaguely wondering why he would be laughing in such a situation, and took out of it a beautifully crafted golden ring. After looking closer, she noticed it bear the seal of the late Daimyo. Perfect. Exactly what she needed.

> \- I don’t thank you for having to chase you down the forest, said Kaira, as she sliced his throat with her kunai, shutting him up for good.

He was beyond saving anyway. “Alright, now let’s go to…” as she took her own mandate to look for the employer’s place of contact after the job, which had to be unlocked with the object of the mandate - in this occasion, not the victim’s blood but the ring she had to stole – the mandate disappeared in a *poof* in her hands.

"Uh?!"

Someone was rushing towards her. Seven ninjas. Fast.

“What? Why? Come on, think Kaira. Oh. Ah. Haha. Hahaha. HAHAHAHA. A dead Daimyo, no contract, and the fucking ring in my hand. Damn… that was well played.”

She kept laughing as she put her hand behind her head, while the ANBU squad of Konoha was gathering around her. That was going to be real piece of cake indeed.

\-------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, in front of Ichiraku’s ramen shop, a dark spiky haired ninja was brought back on his feet by his chubby friend.

> \- It is not everyday you get shoved to the ground by the same girl _twice_ in less than a minute, said his friend while opening a bag of chips. I wonder what is wrong with her?

A blonde girl with long hair laughed at that comment and started elaborating on how hilarious it was for such a bright and skilled ninja to get shoved so easily by a random girl. Very manly, she said.

The dark-haired ninja did not reply. He was deep in thoughts, looking at the spot the girl stood a moment before, reminiscing this voice he dreamt of for such a long time at night. He wondered if he hadn’t just brought it to life in a daydream. "Sometimes, you just wish for something so hard your head tricks you", he assumed. Yes, it was the only logical explanation. She had no reason to be here. If nothing else, she made that much pretty clear. Maybe it was time to accept it at last. And move on. They had this troublesome killer to catch after all. Mission first, daydream next. Maybe some cloud watching too, when they are done.

...

But still, for merely a second, a tiny, marvellous fraction of second, he would have sworn that through this straw hat, he saw those emerald eyes…


	3. Troublesome girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here goes third chapter, I was motivated and tried to write a bigger piece than the chapter 2. 
> 
> Don't hesitate to leave comments, no matter how short !

* * *

> -Good luck convincing anyone with your web of lies, murderer! Said an ANBU with a wolf mask.

She was in a pickle indeed. She had just been caught out there in the woods by the Konoha ANBU, dead Daimyo’s ring in one hand, on top of a calcined corpse. She didn’t exactly look like an angel right now.

> -This is all circumstantial and you know it, she tried to argue as they were escorting her through the forest and back to Konoha, to meet the Hokage.
> 
> -Circumstantial? Several witnesses saw a woman dressed in a beige kimono and straw-hat jump into the Kage’s gallery, and when she jumped out a second later, the Daimyo was dead and his seal gone. Does that ring any bell?

Of course, she forgot this little detail. How slow could the supposedly elite bodyguards be to not have noticed he was dead _before_ she jumped in? How slow could be the Hokage himself, he was right there! He must have seen. Hopefully. “Good for me to be fast…” she thought.

> -I am telling you, the guy who was next to me had it on him, he is the one who killed the Daimyo.
> 
> -Oh, you mean the one you barbecued and sliced?
> 
> -Precisely. In all honesty, you should be thanking me for making your job so easy. Hell, I should be given a reward for my service to this country!

The wolf masked ANBU snorted at this. She continued.

> -You know what? I am feeling quite generous today, what about I don’t report your mistake to your superior, you take the credit for getting rid of the culprit, and you let me go. Deal?

The only response she got came from a fox masked ANBU, who stupidly came from behind her and grabbed her arm, a rope in his other hand. Big mistake.

Her blood turned fire at this intrusion. From a deeply anchored instinct came her reaction. One second his hand was touching her, the next it was broken. She had turned around, grabbing his hand in hers, before she twisted, and twisted, and then crushed it. She didn’t move an inch, this man’s hand broken in hers, she could feel his pulse, blood running crazy due to the pain. All weapons and eyes were turned towards her. Everything was silent, except of course, for the whimpers coming from the man who was certainly regretting his lack of manners right now.

She maintained the pressure, as she spoke to the assembly:

> -Come on now, it is not very polite to try and tie up a lady without asking her first… Following you guys, is just me being polite. There are 6 and a half of you now, I could have all of you dead in about 6 and a half second. Tea break included. So, let us start over, shall we? I came here on official business, you have no ground to accuse me of anything, and if you check the clothes of the real culprit, you will see he is covered in blood. Other than his of course. While, if you look at me carefully – and I know you all did, you just didn’t look where you should have – you will notice that I am immaculate. Therefore, let me be clear: I am only following to help you clarify a diplomatic incident, I am not guilty and I can prove it. That said, if one of you even breathes less than one meter from me, I will make sure it is his last breath. Are we clear?

While she was saying that, looking into each pair of eyes, she let her chakra flow out of her body. Not enough so that one could see it, but enough to burden the air surrounding them, enough to make them understand that they stood no chance. Kaira didn’t have to do this, she was not kidding after all. She could simply kill them all, leave no trace and go, no one would ever know it was her. But these were Konoha people, and as much as she hated their guts, she had a promise to keep. An important one.

> -… Alright, said the wolf masked ANBU, a drop of sweat flowing down his forehead. Release him and we will escort you to Konoha, no restraints…
> 
> -So, you _can_ be reasonable after all.

She released the fox masked one with a smirk, and stopped her chakra, allowing everyone to breathe normally, before turning around and following the lead. How much she wished she could have seen their faces below their masks! It must have been hilarious.

Bah! She didn’t need to. She knew exactly what such faces looked like…

As they were getting closer to the entrance gate, she put her hat back on, raising some heartbeats and kunais amongst a little bit too stressed ANBU squad. She didn’t want a certain someone to recognize her, even less when being escorted by the ANBU like a criminal.

They silently and discreetly walked through the village, at least as discreetly as an ANBU squad could be when escorting someone in the streets, then took her to the Hokage’s tower. It was an imposing building, with tall and round red walls. After climbing the stairs, they eventually arrived at the top, in front of the simple door, beyond which the Hokage’s office where. The wolf one knocked twice.

> -Come in, said a mumbling voice.

They all entered the room; still being careful not to trespass the one-meter perimeter Kaira defined. It was a mess of scrolls and papers in there, with the portraits of all the previous Hokage gravely staring at them from the walls. The mess was everywhere. Everyone took a spot where they could. It was silent for a while, everyone was standing still, waiting for orders. “Good doggies… someone should give them a treat.” thought Kaira, which made her chuckle softly, breaking the respectful silence.

> -Your report? Asked the Rokudaime.
> 
> -We found the woman who escaped from the Kage’s gallery, she had the Daimyo’s seal and had just made another victim, which she claims was the killer. He of course, cannot speak for himself now, said the wolf masked one, looking at her while he gave the Daimyo’s ring to the Hokage.
> 
> -First, you found a girl with a beige kimono and a straw hat. Congratulations, there is about a hundred more dressed the same out there, it doesn’t necessarily mean it was me and you have no evidence the said girl killed him. Second, I am telling the truth, test me and you will see your expert will agree. Third, it was a very sloppy work this morning, snapped Kaira.
> 
> -It was horrible indeed, that much we agree on. How does that help your case? Asked the Hokage.
> 
> -It was sloppy and that is all you need to know. I have been patient until now, but I would appreciate if you stopped mistaking me for this amateur. I am a professional, you can check it out. Come on, show him, she told the wolf masked man, who then handed over her assassin license. I don’t do in sloppy work.

The Hokage looked at the license before handling it to his assistant.

> -Please go check if this is authentic, he said, and the assistant left the room.

I am curious, if you are indeed such a high-level assassin, how come you would be in this arena, so close to the Kage’s gallery, if you didn’t have a high level target right in this arena?

> -I did, answered Kaira.
> 
> -Who?
> 
> -My mission targeted the Daimyo.
> 
> -So, you admit it?
> 
> -No, I said the target of my mission was the Daimyo, not that my mission was to terminate him. I have other skills you know; people hire me for more than your local public murder.
> 
> -… Alright, we have some time before my assistant comes back with our expert, let us hear your story.
> 
> -Wonderful. Where do I begin? A couple of weeks ago I was approached with an unusual request, together with a sizeable reward…

She was cut off mid-sentence.

> -Would you please take off your hat? He asked.
> 
> -… What?
> 
> -I like to look my interlocutor in the eyes, especially for such important matter as this. Would you please take off your hat?

She felt uncomfortable, it was not the forest anymore, what if _he_ came here and recognized her? She couldn’t afford for _him_ to see her here. Suspected of murdering the Daimyo of his country no less.

But it was the Hokage asking, and she was in enough trouble already. She narrated the rest of her story, as she took off her hat.

> -As I was saying, I had an unusual request: not to kill but steal from someone important. I had a whole play ready in my head, I would have literally swept his royalty off his feet, using his confusion to take what I needed. The request seemed official, nothing different than usual in my eyes. But then, right when I was about to make my entrance, this… amateur got to him before I did. I chased him into the forest, took what was rightfully mine, and punished the culprit. It is part of my duty after all. He didn’t even have a proper mandate! And apparently, I was fooled, since mine just disintegrated when I got the ring. This is whole a huge set up. I have quite a number of rivals, no doubt one of them did this. I have to admit, he was quick though. Even you didn’t see him, Hokage, since you seem to consider the girl in the kimono to be the killer!

Having finished to speak her piece, she looked for the Hokage’s face to see how effective she had been.

He looked as if lightning had struck him.

Eyes wide open, checking her up from head to toes, from toes to head. And this look in his eyes, she couldn’t even describe it. She bet he was drooling behind his mask. Seriously? That’s the Hokage. What a joke.

> -Hey perv, I thought you liked to look your interlocutor in the _eyes_ , she said, showing her eyes with her fingers. Do you need me to put you back in your right mind?

The Hokage said nothing.

Someone coughed behind her and spoke:

> -Well, that’s one hell of a story you’ve got there.

Oh no, not again… That voice. Not him, damn it! Exactly who she didn’t want to meet here and now. Everything was going so wrong today she couldn’t believe it. Why couldn’t people be where they were supposed to be? She turned around:

> -What do you think you are doing now? You were not supposed to be here today!
> 
> -Oh, so that is your excuse? I was not supposed to be here today, so it is okay to come to my village without telling me - even though I didn’t see you in forever, I might add – and just kill people and leave without a goodbye? And Hello to you too by the way!

As he screamed at her, the dark spiky haired ninja made a step towards her. Him who was normally so calm with everyone, clearly seemed pissed now. Well, she was used to it. He might be taller, but she could scream higher. She made a step forward as well, bringing them face to face.

> -I was doing my damn job, why don’t you go do your own?!
> 
> -I AM doing my job! When I was asked to authenticate it, I couldn’t believe the name I saw on the assassin’s license belonging to our suspect, of course I had to come and see for myself, stupid girl!
> 
> -Seriously? YOU are the expert she showed my license too?! How unlucky can I be today!

Everyone in the room was just staring at them, as their bickering went on and on, about how she didn’t give any news, how he didn’t leave her enough space, how she was an ungrateful bitch and he was an old bastard… It wasn’t until she grabbed him by his pointy beard and he grabbed her by her kimono, lightnings of anger between their faces, that the Hokage finally came out of his trance and stood up :

> -Alright, STOP! Both of you, that’s enough, what is going on here? Do you know each other? How? And who is she? Speak, Shikaku. Explain yourself.

Shikaku Nara released Kaira as she let go of his beard, then they put some order in their clothing, both trying to regain some dignity.

> \- What is going on? The brat pissed me off being where she shouldn’t be, as usual, that’s what’s going on. This answers your second question, yes we know each other. How is a very long story and irrelevant to the current situation. Who is she? As her license says- which is authentic, by the way- she is Kaira Tsuki, jonin ranked assassin from the international Guild of Assassins. Ah, and I am in charge of her. Hokage-sama, I take full responsibility for the troublesome girl over there. I am sure our investigation will prove her innocence in this case.
> 
> -Of course it will, since I didn’t do a damn thing to the Daimyo! Exclaimed Kaira.
> 
> -Will you shut up for one second? Snapped Shikaku at her.
> 
> -So you believe her? So much you would take responsibility for her? Asked the Hokage.
> 
> -I do, Hokage-sama.
> 
> -… Alright. However, I cannot just release her into the wild like that, she is closest thing we have got to a suspect _\- or a witness_ , he added, feeling the deadly eyes staring at him. We need to collect all her belongings and collect all evidences. I cannot decently allow her to leave.
> 
> -But !... started Kayla.
> 
> -I have an idea, Shikaku cut her. What if she stayed at the Nara compound while we elucidate this mess? I will personally make sure she doesn’t leave Konoha, but she won’t be unfairly imprisoned either. Until we know more.

Uh, what? The Nara compound he said? Does he mean, where they all live? Most importantly, where _he_ lives?

Damn Shikaku, that man will be the death of her. How many more genius ideas like that did he have?


	4. Have faith in me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaira is in a lot of trouble, accused of killing the Daimyo. She is now headed to the Nara compound, crushed with guilt, but also doubts as to how to handle the Nara family.

She couldn’t believe it. Moving into the Nara’s compound? With both of them? Seriously, what a terrible idea. “What am I gonna do? How can he let this happen?” she thought.

Shikaku and Kaira were leaving the Hokage’s tower silently. The tension between them was sensible. The debate had gone on and on until everyone agreed on the conditions of her probation, so long the night was quite advanced now.

The Hokage had agreed to this probation period for Kaira, at the condition Shikaku would keep a close eye on her and she would check-in with the Hokage every day. Hence, for the week to come, she will have to be his shadow. Eat, sleep and follow wherever he goes. That included staying at the Nara compound. A thousand worries were going through her head, as she wondered how to deal with the situation. Being Shikaku’s shadow, she could do that. But what to do about the other Nara? She had no idea. She had to think quickly what behaviour to adopt.

Shikaku seemed royally pissed at the brat. But also, he was worried. What the hell happened that put her in this situation? She was careful, it wasn’t usual for her to get fooled like this. How could she have been trapped in such a plot? As they were getting out of the tower, they walked quietly through the streets, heading towards the compound. That was until a big growl came out of Kaira’s stomach, disturbing the angry silence between them.

She continued walking, keeping her composure, until a second growl, much louder than the first came out. Shikaku couldn’t help but chuckle at this. He could never stay mad at her for long.

> \- Alright kiddo, what about we grab a bite before we go home?
> 
> \- It is _your_ home, not mine.
> 
> \- If you say so. Let’s just eat. Is there something in particular you want?
> 
> \- … ramen…
> 
> \- Ramen? Alright, let’s go to a place I know.

Kaira followed Shikaku, secretly wishing he wouldn’t take her to this Ichiraku’s place, she wasn’t ready to meet _him_ yet and going there seemed risky…

Thankfully he took her somewhere else, they sat down in a corner, Shikaku ordering for them both. He knew her taste well enough so she would get exactly what she wanted. They didn’t even look at each other before their bowls of Chashu ramen arrived. Kaira handed his chopsticks to Shikaku as he served them both a well needed cup of sake. It was a perfectly oiled mechanic, coming from the habit of sharing hundreds of meals. There was a comfortable silence between them as they ate. The kind of silence you have between two people who know each other so well, they don’t need to fill the air with useless chatter.

They finished their dinner and left, finally heading towards their final destination of the day.

Although the dinner gave her more time to think, Kaira still couldn’t figure what to do. This was not part of the plan. She had no experience in this “living in a community” thing, she will never survive the week. Going through this night would already be a challenge by itself.

She, who was so good at keeping her emotions in check, was now overwhelmed by anxiety. It had not happened in a very long time. It was annoying, feeling this way. It clouded her thoughts, and she needed to think straight. Not only will she have to live with _him_ and had no clue how to deal with this, but she would now have to meet Shikaku’s wife, Yoshino, in a few minutes. What was she supposed to tell this woman? She couldn’t deny the relationship that linked her to Shikaku, after all, the Hokage knew something was there, even though neither Shikaku nor her agreed to shed light on this unlikely relationship. There was no chance for them to pretend she was just a job Shikaku had to look after. It was personal, and he was putting himself and the name of his family at risk for her. Naturally, anyone would assume she was not just a nobody.

“I will take full responsibility for this troublesome girl “, he said. That was not benign, it was a big deal. His wife will wonder why he would do that for a girl she never heard of.

As she looked at Shikaku, Kaira thought he was probably tormented by the same questions. What was he gonna do with her indeed? She looked at his back as she was walking behind him, this back she watched a thousand times leading the way in front of her. His tall, imposing, protecting back. He couldn’t help himself, could he? He just had to jump in and make this crazy offer. She would have been fine imprisoned for a while, until they cleared her, no one would have ever known about them. But no, he couldn’t accept it, and he just had to step in, as always.

She was grateful of course, not just for this but for everything he did for her. But at the same time, she was mad. Mad at herself for putting him in this position. Mad at him for not taking care of himself for once and minding his own business. She will never cease to be an endless burden to him, will she?

Shikaku must have sensed her anxiety as he turned around and asked :

> \- Hey, what about we sit down for a moment over there?

He was pointing at the forest line, just outside the Nara compound. Kaira was so deep in thoughts she hadn’t noticed they already arrived, and was relieved at this last chance to compose herself. They both needed a moment.

She nodded in approval and followed him to the border of the forest. They walked in a little bit further, until Shikaku settled against a tree, hands in his pockets and head looking up. She laid against the opposite side of the same tree, arms crossed and head looking down.

> \- So… what do you want to do? How do we play this? asked Kaira.
> 
> -The time to play anything has passed now. Amongst all the options I considered, all the stories we could tell, I am starting to think honesty is my best shot at getting out of this without Yoshino killing me.
> 
> \- “The truth will set you free”? She asked.
> 
> -Something like that, yes.
> 
> -Are you sure about this? Once she knows, there is no turning back. You cannot undo it. She will know.
> 
> -I am aware of that, he answered.
> 
> -Are you gonna tell everything? As in, _everything_?
> 
> -Yes, I think it will be for the best. You will be staying in her home after all, she has the right to know. However, others don’t need to know _everything_. Just that I have known you for a while and I took responsibility to shelter you until you are cleared of this incident.
> 
> -People will talk you know. And still, maybe she doesn’t need to know _everything_ …
> 
> \- I am afraid that what people talk about is not up to you, or me. It is out of our hands now.

Shikaku stayed silent for a moment, before adding:

> \- Don’t worry, I have your back. I might be scared like hell of my wife but I won’t let her kick you out. If she kicks _me_ out, then… I guess we will be sharing a hotel room in the village.
> 
> \- Wouldn’t be a first, chuckled Kaira.
> 
> \- Indeed.

A casual silence settled between them, as they were both bracing for the evening to come. It was going to be a long night, for Shikaku mostly.

> \- Alright, let’s go and let me do the talking. I still have to figure out what I will tell my son Shikamaru. As you know, he is an only child. It is going to be awkward for him sharing the house with a girl his age. I can only imagine he is gonna have a lot of questions. I will have some explaining to do with him as well. But don’t worry, I am sure you two will get along, you are very similar in some ways you know.

Oh yeah, awkward is exactly what it was going to be when Shikamaru will see her. Imagining he will have a lot of questions was an understatement.

Having two big secrets of her life colliding like this was not something she was prepared for. She thought about it of course, them being related and all of that, there was always a risk. But she never met them in a place related to Konoha, so she thought it was safe, and they would never be all three of them in the same place.

How stupid of her to take a mission in their village. A fake mission even… 

Shikaku started walking towards the entrance of the compound. As he noticed Kaira was not following, he turned around, offering his hand :

> -Come on now, have faith in me. I will take care of you.

“Have faith in me, I will take care of you”. These were the words of his promise to her, all those years ago, in a night the colour of blood. And indeed, he always stayed true to his words. To his demise even. Kaira couldn’t help the rush of guilt that came to her. It was always like this. She would mess up, one way or another, and he would always, _always_ be there to catch her when she fell, in a never-ending cycle.

She followed this man she trusted more than anything in the world, uncertain of what awaited her in this village, in this house, with these people, finding courage in the only certainty she had in life… That he would always be there. This certainty got her through darkest times before. They had been through worse together; this situation was not so bad all things considered. It was time they came out now.

They passed the big wooden door bearing the Nara emblem, and Kaira followed him to the main house. She had never stepped foot inside the house. The closer she ever got to this place was at the top of the trees surrounding the compound, when she was waiting for Shikaku.

They removed their shoes as they entered the house, Kaira still in the middle of removing her left one when she felt the angry aura of Shikaku’s wife coming towards them. It wasn’t long until the screaming started.

> \- Shikaku, explain yourself, RIGHT NOW! Yoshino yelled.
> 
> \- Calm down woman, can I at least get some sake before you start punching me?

Shikaku walked further in his house, followed by an angry Yoshino still screaming at him, commanding explanations from him, as to why they would host a complete stranger in their house, who according to all evidence seemed to have killed the Daimyo himself. It was only at the doorstep of the kitchen that Yoshino finally took a look at Kaira, who stayed forbidden in Shikaku’s shadow.

All of the sudden, she stopped yelling, and just stared at her. Eyeing her from head to toes.

Kaira couldn’t walk further, Yoshino in her way, while Shikaku took a seat on the floor at their table.

It was awkward, Kaira didn’t know what to tell this woman. She felt sorry for her, but she certainly was not going to say that.

Finally, Shikaku spoke:

> -Yoshino, why don’t we just all sit down and…
> 
> -How could you? How much of a fool do you think I am?
> 
> -Yoshino, it is not what you think.
> 
> -Oh really? When they said your protegee was a pretty young thing, I should have figured it out. Of course, it had to be about her, it has _always_ been about _her_ after all!
> 
> -I am telling you, it is not what you think, if you would just let me…

Yoshino was red from the rage. Shikaku had seen her like this once, a long time ago, one night when he did a big, big mistake.

Unexpectedly, she started crying, knees fell to the floor, her head in her hands. She seemed devastated.

Kaira didn’t know what to do, this was worse than anything she had imagined. She had imagined yelling of course, but not the tears or this crushing feeling of guilt. She was destroying this woman’s life with her sole existence. Kaira tried to convince herself it wasn’t her fault, but as always, this was an argument she never won.

Clearly, Shikaku miscalculated his wife’s reaction to seeing Kaira. He had to do something, she was going to go crazy otherwise.

> -Kaira, please go outside.

Kaira walked through the kitchen in the direction Shikaku indicated, past the crying mess at her feet, towards the inner courtyard. Yoshino kept saying “I cannot believe it, all these years, all your absences… how long has it been going on?”.

Before stepping out in the courtyard, Kaira turned her head around slightly, and said in almost a whisper:

> -I am sorry…

Yoshino looked up at her. The look on her face was one of pure disgust, pure hatred. A look Kaira had learnt to live with a long time ago. A look she saw every time she gazed at her own reflection.

Kaira turned around and went outside, and just as she closed the door behind her, she heard Yoshino:

> -Oh Shikaku, that face… She looks just like _her_ …

Kaira knew that, as Shikaku reminded her a lot at the beginning. How alike they looked. So much, she came to hate her own face. He had learnt quickly not to point out the resemblance anymore.

How Kaira wished she could have been born something else than the spitting image of her mother. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here goes chapter 4!   
> I hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> Don't hesitate to tell me your thoughts and comments :)


	5. These scars of hers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ."  
> The Little Prince - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

It was almost noon in the village of Konoha, when Shikamaru, Choji and Ino were headed towards the Chunin exam, late. They only got word of the crime that just happened when a massive wave of ninjas got out of the arena and ran in all directions. One of them caught them strolling in front of Ichiraku’s and informed the group of the situation, asking them to search north while other teams covered the rest.

Just as they agreed and the ninja left, Shikamaru turned around and someone bumped into him, hard. As they fell to the floor, judging by the… _gear_ he could feel against him, he couldn’t help but notice that on top of him was a girl. He could not see her face though, due to the large hat on her head. She started yelling at him:

> -Oh come on, you useless piece of… no one ever told you to look where you are going? Someone else than me would have been hurt, you know? Tss, seriously, if I had the time, I would kick your ass right here, right n-
> 
> \- Hey, that voice… do I know you? He cut her.

The moment she started cursing at him, a wave of feelings he thought deeply buried bubbled up to the surface. That voice was an impossiblity, an improbable coincidence. It was not impossible though, that another girl had the same voice than _her_. Maybe it just sounded a lot alike and his brain tricked him.

Though she didn’t answer, the girl had stopped screaming, so he grabbed her arm and helped her up. Strangely, she lost her balance and stumbled on him as they stood up. He held her so they wouldn’t fall again, her hand on his chest.

“Stop it stupid brain” he thought, as the feeling of that hand on his chest felt familiar. There was a moment where they both stood still, not moving an inch. Until he asked her:

> \- Hey, is everything alright?

Then, the craziest thing happened. The girl raised her head a bit, and just as their eyes met through the straw of her hat, she shoved him to the ground.

When he looked up to the dust surrounding him, the girl was gone.

“That’s it, I am crazy. It is official.” Shikamaru thought, as his genius brain of his was trying to convince him that those emerald eyes he saw, where the same ones he longed for.

Choji helped him up:

> \- It is not every day you get shoved to the ground by the same girl _twice_ in less than a minute, said Choji while opening a bag of chips. I wonder what is wrong with her?

Shikamaru said nothing. It felt so _real._ But he knew it couldn’t be. He couldn’t afford to take his dreams for reality.

> -… She really messed me up, whispered Shikamaru, more to himself than anyone else.
> 
> -What did you say? Asked Ino, stopping her blabbering about how a proper ninja wouldn’t have been caught so easily by surprise.
> 
> -Nothing. Let’s go.

They left Konoha and headed north as instructed, Shikamaru leading the way.

He couldn’t sense anyone else but them. He was trying to look for possible tracks the suspect left, but everywhere he looked, on every branch in the trees, on every path on the floor, leading the way was a girl running, her laugh filling the air, and her long chestnut hair catching golden shades, as the sun hit her through the trees above them.

* * *

_One sunny morning, a couple of years ago; in the bedroom of an inn, far away from the big cities, lay a couple; one sound asleep, the other wondering._

Though magical, last night had been long and he was still exhausted. Nevertheless, his head resting in his hand in the pillow, he couldn’t possibly fall back asleep. As tired as he was, the show the morning sunlight offered him was one he could not look away from.

She was asleep, her breathing low and slow. Half covered by their shared blanket; his eyes wandered around the bump of her hidden hips, up the small of her back, and followed the line of her naked spine. He caught a glimpse of the back of her neck, where he loved to bury his nose. It was covered by her long hair, spread wildly around her pillow, catching the sunlight in what seemed a thousand of colours. He then followed the line of her left shoulder, behind which was her hand resting on the pillow, almost hiding her mouth. Almost.

He gazed at her slightly parted lips, fighting against the wild desire to kiss them. He then looked at her nose, a little covered in tiny freckles that only he knew about, and finally her closed eyelids, with those long black eyelashes. Behind those were the two most beautiful emeralds he ever looked into. He could lose himself in those eyes, and never come back. All he could think about now was to wake her up, just so he could look into them. But he did no such thing, as he knew a sleep without nightmares was a rare benediction for her and so, he knighted himself the guardian of her dreams.

God, was she gorgeous! And he was the lucky one who got to wake up to such beauty. He adored every inch of her body. From the generosity of her shapes, the green of her eyes and the fairness of her skin, up to the whiteness of her scars.

Ah, her scars… She did not understand it, but they were the part of her he loved the most. He knew them all by heart, drawing the line of them with his fingertips every chance he got. He cherished that knowledge. He felt privileged even, for amongst all the men, in all the countries, in the whole world, only _he_ knew them. Only _he,_ knew _her_.

As he traced the longest scar of her back, he started to reminisce the first time he saw it :

They had met in a nearby forest as usual, in a clearing by a lake, talking for hours on a spread blanket. He had stayed longer than he had planned to and the night was already advanced, it would have taken at least an hour for him to go back to the village where his inn and teammates were.

So, naturally, she had offered him to spend the night with her. He could leave early in the morning; his team will never know.

Surely neither the moonlight on the lake nor the bottle of sake they drank earlier helped them to stay clear headed. It was not long before his pony tail got loose and her shirt went off. This intimacy was still new to them. It started when she kissed him a couple of months ago, unexpectedly. Not that he complained of course, he was happily surprised, since he never imagined she could see him as anything else but a friend. Then another kiss happened, and another one, up until the day when their hands started to explore each other hesitantly. With their inhibitions down, this evening was now raising their relationship to a new level. Neither of them being experienced, they discovered each other and themselves at the same time, at their own pace.

As he brought his hands to her naked breasts for the first time, he felt her flinch. He knew better than to rush her, he respected her too much for that. Besides, they had all the time in the world for more exploration. Tonight, was not about that. Tonight, was about making her understand she could trust him. Make her understand, that he would never ask for more than she could give. So, he moved his hands away from her breasts and repositioned them to stroke her back.

Unfortunately for him, he had not anticipated her reaction. She may have flinched out of timidity when he touched her breasts, but the contact of his fingers on her back made her shiver. He felt the burning sensation of electricity running on his skin, before he was suddenly projected two meters away from her. He was distraught by her reaction. Was she so disgusted by him, she had to push him away like this? More than the electric shock, the rejection hurt him the most.

That was, until he saw her hiding under the blanket, prostrated on the ground, head to her knees, clenching the blanket like her life depended on it. She was in distress, and this took precedence over all he could feel for himself, especially since he had no clue how to help her.

> \- Kaira, what is it? I am sorry if I have done anything that upset you, he said. Please, Kaira, just tell me how I can help?
> 
> \- It is not you, she answered with a small voice from under the blanket. Just… go away Shika. Please, just go.
> 
> \- If that’s really what you want, I will go but… I cannot leave you like this. I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to pressure you, we don’t have to do anything really. I swear. Just talk to me.
> 
> \- There is nothing to talk about, she said a bit stronger this time. Go now.
> 
> \- Come on Kaira, I know you a bit by now, and I can see something is wrong. I can’t bear the thought that I made you like this. Just tell me, what happened when I touched you…

Kaira’s head came out of the blanket:

> \- Shut up, okay?! And don't fool yourself pretending that you know me, because you don’t. You have no idea what… For fuck sake just… _leave_ , ok?! Leave me alone. It is nothing.
> 
> \- … Doesn’t look like nothing…
> 
> \- Go, _away_

He was never good at detected chakra, but he could feel the air around her getting charged with electricity. It was a warning. Annoyed by her stubbornness, he stood up, put his pants back on and went to pick up his shirt. But then, he stopped moving.

> -… What’s wrong? Asked Kaira. You don’t remember how to put it on?
> 
> \- No.
> 
> \- Really? You are far more wasted than I thought…
> 
> \- No, not that. The other thing. I am not going away.

He threw his shirt back on the ground, before sitting next to her, his skin covered in goose bumps from the tension in the air. She was still hiding behind her blanket.

> -What do you think you are doing? Don’t make me kick your ass to force you to leave, she warned him.
> 
> -Don’t make me kick yours to let me stay.
> 
> -Tss, as if you could…

At that, he took her face in his hands. After he was sure she was not going to punch him, he got closer and gently pressed his lips against hers. Slowly, the air became more breathable, as he felt her tears running down his hands.

> -Please Shika, _please_ … Leave me alone, I can’t do this.

He took the blanket from her hands and covered them both with it as he took her in his arms. Her arms were crossed in front of her chest, trying to hide every inch of skin that she could. Again, when his hands touched her back, she shivered. He was not going to back down this time, he wanted her to know he would not go further, that he would just hold her because she was in pain, just like he normally would, and her being naked didn’t make a difference.

> -Please, don’t…

When his left hand stroke what felt like a long crevasse going from her left shoulder to her right hip, she froze in his arms. Her skin was very tender there. One long, deep scar. As he was pondering this, his right hand stroke the other side of her back, and from the tips of his fingers, he counted. One, two, three… he felt at least ten other small and medium sized scars, scattered on her back. The Fourth Shinobi war was devastating everywhere; therefore, it was no surprise for him to find so many scars on a warrior of her caliber.

> -Wow, these are some impressive war trophies, he said. I bet there are some fascinating battle stories behind each of them. You will have to tell me someday.

She did not reply right away, still frozen in shock in his arms.

> -… they are not.
> 
> -They are not fascinating? Come on, just by the size of this one, it had to be something really –
> 
> -No, Shika. I meant… they are not war trophies.
> 
> -Really? Then how…

Finally, it hit him. The realisation came down on him like an ice bucket someone would have thrown in his face, cold water running down his spine. Stupid, how stupid was he for not realising sooner? The way she backed out, how she covered herself, pushed him away and begged him to leave... He had never heard her beg for anything before. It was not her. No, it was the reaction of a scared girl, so scared she had lost control of her own chakra and hurt him. He should have known better.

The shame suffocated him, as he realised that what it took for mere shyness was the raw instinct of a girl that life had beaten up too much.

He held her tighter, and tighter, the shame being replaced bit after bit by irrational rage. Oh yes, he was enraged now. Who dared? Who dared to turn this magnificent, powerful woman into the shivering mess in his arms? That was criminal, they had to be punished.

> \- …Shika, I can’t breathe.

Kaira’s voice felt a bit stronger now. It still sounded as if it was on the verge of breaking, but she had regained some strength in Shikamaru’s embrace. He let go of her, just a little.

> \- Who, Kaira? Tell me who, he commanded.
> 
> \- It doesn’t matter now, she replied.
> 
> \- Tell me. They don’t deserve to live another day, I won’t allow it. I promise, as long as I am here, they will never hurt you, ever again.
> 
> \- … Well, that’s an easy promise to keep. They died a long time ago already.
> 
> \- Are you sure?
> 
> \- Oh yes, that I am. I personally made sure of it.

Kaira said that last sentence very clearly, with an inch of defiance, her eyes looking straight into Shikamaru’s now. For a moment, it was as if the scared, beaten up girl was gone.

> \- … Let me see them, asked Shikamaru.
> 
> \- What?
> 
> \- Your scars, I want to see them.
> 
> \- No way.

She clenched on the blanket harder, scared he would take it away from her. He did not understand. After all, they came this far, why not let him see them now?

> \- Why? I know they are there.

> \- I said no, they are hideous. I don’t want you to see me like that.

> \- I have seen scars before, you know. My dad has some pretty big ones right on his face. I am sure it is not as bad as you think.

> \- You don’t get it, do you? Do I really have to spell it out for you? I don’t want you to _see_ _me_ like _this_.

At the puzzled look on Shikamaru’s face, Kaira rolled her eyes in exasperation.

> \- Just forget it, it is late and I am tired, let’s go to sleep.
> 
> \- Come on, just explain to me, I don’t get it.
> 
> \- Are you sure you were not misdiagnosed, Mister Genius? There is a lot of things you don’t seem to get apparently.

Now that was hurtful. He knew he messed up tonight and completely misread the situation, but still, he was trying his best, and he just wanted to be there for her. Couldn’t she understand that?

She must have felt she offended him, because she continued:

> \- My scars… I don’t want you to see them, because I don’t want you to see me differently. Like I was moments ago; a scared, shameful and weak piece of crap. I hate it. These scars remind me of everything I hate about myself. They are _me_. Every weakness I need to fight against, every day of my life. I don’t want to be a scared and weak piece of crap, I want to be a strong and powerful woman. I want to be fearless. And I never, ever wanted you to see this side of me.
> 
> So that’s it, that’s why I couldn’t let you touch me earlier. Why I can’t let you see…

She stayed silent, reflecting on what just happened between them. Then, she sighed before adding :

> \- But I guess it is too late now, you saw me and now you know what I really am. It’s over. So, if you really insist… I will let you. It doesn’t matter anymore.

How defeated she sounded saying that. He couldn’t bear it, knowing how low she truly thought of herself. She was magnificent, she was this freakishly strong and fearless goddess, never scared of a challenge and always so sure she would always win, let it be battles or stupid arguments. And she always did. This evening had been a revelation to him.

She was right, he didn’t know her after all.

Until tonight, he had been impressed at her ability to never doubt her skills. He was even jealous of her sometimes. But now that he knew the truth behind this façade of absolute strength, he was amazed. How incredible was she! How dared he feel down and useless about his skills while he did nothing about it, when she was fighting so hard everyday against her own weakness to be the best?

As of tonight, one thing became clear to him. He will never know enough about her. And the more he will know, the deeper would run his addiction.

> -Yes, I insist, he declared.
> 
> -Alright then.

Resigned, accepting her fate, Kaira turned her back to Shikamaru, and let the blanket fall down her shoulders and to the ground.

The first thing he noticed was that he significantly underestimated the number earlier. The second thing he noticed, was the age of these scars. The vast majority were all white, a sign they healed a long time ago. So, she was telling the truth. Then, he looked at the long transversal scar he felt earlier. It looked stretched, as if it grew up at the same time as she did.

He got closer to her, his hands staying on her hips, and kissed it.

She turned her head towards him immediately:

> \- What are you doing?!

He kept kissing her back softly, going from one scar to another, imprinting himself with every single one of them. Promising himself she will not have to bear them alone anymore.

> \- Stop it Shikamaru! I told you they are hideous, I don’t want –
> 
> \- They are beautiful. And so are you.

Shikamaru had stopped his ritual, so he could say this face to face.

Her eyes filled with tears as he gently turned her around, cupped her face with his hands and kissed her firmly, assuring her that he was here, and he was not going anywhere. This kiss, and all the ones after that telling her, again and again “Bring it on. With all you have got. Try as hard as you can. But I can assure you, there is nothing about you that will ever scare me away.” 

The memory of that night by the lake brought butterflies to his stomach. As Shikamaru gazed at her, his fingers running down her scar, her naked body bathing in the morning sunlight, he could not help how unreasonably happy he was; right here, right now in this bedroom. In just a few months, they had come so far together. He had decided that today was the day. The day he would finally tell her those three little words he had been holding back ever since that fateful night. So many times he wanted to, but the words died on his lips whenever the fear that she would run away silenced him. But today was different. They had come this far, and here she was, asleep at his side with nothing left to hide. Today, was the day.

Next to him, Kaira started to wake up. Her back raised a bit when she took in a deep breath, while he was holding his.

His hands moved from her back to the side of her face, putting a lock of her hair behind her ear. She batted her eyes, trying to come out of her dazed state. He would take advantage, not leaving her the chance to wake up completely. Then, when her eyes locked into his, finally, he let the words free:

> \- I love you...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this Shikamaru- centered chapter! It was quite hard to write and communicate everything I meant to express to you guys, so I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it.  
> Now I am dying to know your thoughts!! Please don't hesitate to give me feedback of any kind !
> 
> PS : I was so obsessed with writing this chapter that it distracted me at work, so I just had to get it out of my system. In the chapter summary is a quote from Le Petit Prince, because I know no better ways to describe love than this, though I gave it a try here ! If you haven't, you should definitely read this book :) and I am not saying that because he is French!


	6. Three little words

> \- I love you…

There, he said it. There was no coming back now.

She was staring at him, wide awake now.

He gave her a moment to process what happened. When her mouth opened and she breathed in to speak, he pressed his right index on her lips, shushing her. He did not want to give her the chance to talk.

> \- Shush. Don’t. It’s okay.
> 
> I am not asking a question; I am simply making a statement. So, you don’t need to answer.
> 
> I just thought you should know.
> 
> Actually, that’s not true. I _needed_ you to know. That’s all. You don’t have to say anything…

He removed his finger from her lips and brought his hand back to him, smiling at her. She closed her mouth, still staring at him. He knew she was not ready to take this step herself, so he couldn’t ask her for more than acceptance. All he wanted, was for her to accept his feelings.

She closed her eyes and sighed deeply.

> \- Idiot…

When she opened her eyes again, they were shining and she was smiling. His smile got even wider when she grabbed his neck with her left hand and pulled him to her for a deep kiss.

This had gone far better than he had hoped for. Better than the best case scenario even. One of the many outcomes he had imagined involved her grabbing the sheets of the bed and running away through the window into the wilderness. Compared to that, it went perfectly well. He was beyond happy now, he was ecstatic.

After another hour of fooling around, he started to starve.

> \- Breakfast? He asked.
> 
> \- Hm, she nodded.

They got dressed and checked out of the inn to find themselves something to eat. Then they hit the road. After a couple hours running, they made a stop at the border of the river. There, they had to go their separate ways.

> \- We meet in one week in Sasame village, same time as usual, correct? He asked.
> 
> \- That is correct, we said we would hit the hot springs there, she answered.
> 
> \- I am sooo looking forward to that, he said grinning. I will see you there then!

She was not the effusive kind of girl, so she answered with a nod and a smile from the corner of her mouth. One last, passionate kiss, and she was gone.

On his part, Shikamaru head back to Konoha. “One week, huh? I cannot wait!”

_Seven days later..._

The entire week, Shikamaru had been a massive, joyful pain in the ass of his teammates and teacher. Ino even asked him once:

> \- What on earth is wrong with you? You have been an insufferable ball of happiness lately. Stop rubbing everyone's face in it!!
> 
> \- Or at least tell us who the lucky girl is, teased Asuma.
> 
> \- There is a girl?? Asked Ino excitedly. Who is it, who is it?
> 
> \- It is none of your business! Exclaimed a blushing Shikamaru.
> 
> \- Choji, tell us, ordered Ino.
> 
> \- Well, I don't know either...
> 
> \- Come on, you won't even tell your best friend? Shame on you, Shikamaru! scolded Ino.
> 
> \- Leave the poor guy alone, said Asuma while laughing his ass off.

His sensei had then grabbed Shikamaru, taking him aside of the others.

> \- Seriously though, you really have to introduce her to me someday!
> 
> \- Sensei!

Asuma had then made a mess of Shikamaru’s hair and left, laughing hard.

He just couldn't help it. He was so looking forward to seeing her again that he had contaminated everyone with his good spirits. 

So, on the seventh day, he took the road to Sasame way earlier than necessary and arrived sooner than they agreed on. They were supposed to meet at the town square, by the fountain. It was a very small village with only a few houses, so it was fairly easy to find the spot. The village was nearby a forest in the mountains, almost a part of it really. There were some natural hot springs in this area, where Kaira and he could enjoy a bath away from the crowd of more touristic villages. It was a beautiful summer day, and the sun was still high in the sky. Unsurprisingly, she was not there yet. He was quite early, so he decided to go buy them some supplies before coming back to their rendez-vous point.

When he came back at sunset, by the fountain of the town square, a little boy he didn’t notice before ran towards him.

> \- Hey mister, are you mister Shikamaru? the boy asked.
> 
> \- Uh, yes... who is asking?
> 
> \- The pretty girl told me to wait here and give this to a ninja of Konoha with a pony tail and brown hair. She also said his name was Shikamaru.
> 
> \- A pretty girl uh? Said Shikamaru with a grin, taking the paper the boy was handing over to him. Thank you, you did a good job.

Shikamaru gave him some money which the boy accepted very happily, and read the piece of paper. While he unfolded it, he noticed it was torn. When he turned the paper around, he read the three little words that would change his life forever.

_I am sorry_.

He read it again. _I am sorry._ He turned the paper around looking for the rest of it, but there was none. He turned it around again. _I am sorry_. He took it high above his head to read it in front of the sun, in case there was a hidden message in it. _I am sorry_. He tried to dissipate whatever genjutsu prevented him from reading the rest of it. _I am sorry_.

He then ran after the boy:

> \- Hey kid, wait, WAIT!! 
> 
> \- Hummm... is there a problem mister? Asked the boy, a little scared.
> 
> \- The girl who gave you this, what did she look like?
> 
> \- Hm, she was very pretty.
> 
> \- Ok but, what did she look like? Her eyes, her hair colour, her clothes...
> 
> \- Hmmm, said the boy thinking hard. I think she had green eyes, and her hair was brown. But not black, brown and shiny.
> 
> \- Where did she go? After she gave you this, where did she go?!

Shikamaru asked the boy, in a frenzy, showing the piece of paper in his shaking hand.

> \- Hum, I think, this way, the boy answered pointing to the road leading west.
> 
> Or, maybe this way… But, I’m not sure… I’m sorry mister, I don’t know... 

Then the boy started to cry. People around him looking suspiciously at the ninja bullying him.

> \- I apologize, I didn't mean to scream at you... 

Shikamaru left the boy where he was and left, slowly walking back to the town square where they were supposed to meet. “I wasn’t gone for long, she must have left a short time ago, something must have come up when she arrived here.” Thought Shikamaru. “There is no point going after her, she is way faster than me.”.

Though he was thinking that, his legs started to move faster of their own will. Soon, he was running, as fast as he could, following the road leading west.

After an hour or so, he realised how pointless it really was to run after her. He would better head back to Sasame.

Once back at the town square, he sat by the fountain, then looked at the scrambled piece of paper in his hand. There, he read these three little words again.

  
_I am sorry_.

He sighed. He did not understand her sometimes. What did it even mean? What was she trying to say? I am sorry… I am going to be late? I am sorry… I can't make it this time, let's reschedule? I am sorry… I ate all the cookies left? Or was it; I am sorry… you will never see me again? I am sorry, for reaping out your heart, trampling on it, crushing it with a boulder and scattering the pieces to every corner of the world?!

"Okay stop" Shikamaru ordered himself. His heart was beating fast and he could feel the burn of tears coming to his eyes.

"You are not a girl for god’s sake, so stop being such a drag. You are overthinking this. Maybe something came up, she was in a rush and couldn't write more details. Yes, it is as simple as that. I just have to wait here.".

The other possibility was unbearable to think of, so he buried it deep inside his brain and took shelter in his hypothesis. She would show up, after she dealt with whatever she had to deal with.

And so, he waited.

He waited for hours that evening. He waited the whole day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that. Then, he waited every evening, at the same place, at the same time, he waited every night for a month. Spending all his time trying to uncover the hidden words on this piece of paper, convinced of their existence.

But she never came.

On the last night, sitting on the fountain looking at this paper he had already read ten thousand times, he told himself he had to accept the truth. There was nothing else on this piece of paper. Nothing more than these three little words mocking him. _I am sorry_.

> \- ... She left me.

As he said that out loud, the nausea first choked him. Then, the burn of the tears he had been holding back for weeks came back, claiming their right with full force. His breathing became erratic, it felt like breathing underwater. Then the migraine hit him, his head about to explode, incapable of forming any coherent thought. Nothing was making any sense to him, and only three words were spinning round and round in his mind.

> \- She left me. She left me. She left me. She left me. She...

He turned towards the fountain just in time to hurl, the bitter taste of his stomach remaining in his throat.

Then, when there was nothing left inside, he fell on all fours and cried out. He screamed his pain to the night, shouting louder than he ever had, screaming until his lungs gave out. Until he had no tears left to shed, and no voice left to cry…

* * *

> \- …ru.

“Uh? What was that?”

> \- …kamaru…

“It sounds like…”

> \- Damn it Shikamaru, WAKE UP!

He opened his eyes to what he assumed was the whiteness of the hospital ceiling, his ears bleeding from all of Ino’s screaming. Strangely, he couldn’t distinguish her face. Everything was a blur around him.

> \- Was it really necessary, Ino? He hurt himself pretty bad already, said what sounded like Choji.
> 
> \- I was tired of waiting, okay?!
> 
> \- But still, look at what you did to him…
> 
> \- What did I do? Tell him I didn’t do anything Shi- Er... Shikamaru? Are you crying?

Ah. That explained the blur. He quickly wiped his eyes with his arm, composed himself then looked at her.

> \- Well yeah, hearing your voice has that effect sometimes…

His snarky comment got him a slap on the head from the blonde angry girl.

> \- Ouch! Damn, that hurt like hell… Have you been working out or what?
> 
> \- Nah, you already have a commotion that’s why, explained Choji.
> 
> \- A commotion? How did that happen? We were chasing… What are we doing here by the way? We were in the forest running after the Daimyo’s killer…
> 
> \- We were, said Ino. Until you threw yourself head first into a tree.
> 
> \- What?
> 
> \- Yeah Shika, you were leading the way and you just headed straight into that big ass tree, said Choji while munching on some chips.
> 
> \- You’ve been out of it for hours. We had to carry you back aaaaall the way here, because you lazy ass wouldn’t wake up !

Though she sounded angry, she was actually relieved to see him awake. He gave her a scare for a second, which is why he deserved to be punished now…

> \- You sir, are taking us to dinner tonight, she declared. That will teach you to waste our precious time.
> 
> \- Well in that case, I say we go for yakiniku! Said Choji, excited at the perspective of a free meal.

Shikamaru sighed, giving up.

> \- Sure, why not… Just go wait outside while I get ready, I will be out in a minute.
> 
> \- Don’t try to get out through the window; we will chase you down for that meal! teased Ino while leaving the room.

As soon as they closed the door and he couldn’t hear their footsteps anymore, Shikamaru ran to the bathroom and puked all the content of his stomach. Sitting on the bathroom floor, his knees up to his chest, he took his head in his hands and tried to recollect himself.

“Pull yourself together damn it! I can’t go back to that place. Ever.” He thought to himself. When he felt the panic attack coming and his breathing became chaotic, he started his ritual. “Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in…” It was a trick he had used countless times to calm himself in times of crisis, just like now. He couldn’t go back where he started, not after all the efforts he had done to rebuild himself and all the time it took. Almost two years of waking up in a panic. Two years without being able to maintain a relationship.

The beginning of his grief had been a living nightmare. At first, he wouldn’t feed himself and just sit all day outside watching clouds, regardless of the weather. After a visit to the hospital, where the staff warned him they would need to inform the Hokage if he didn’t regain some strength, he had to change his habit. So, he took up a new one that was less destructive. At least, he thought so at the time. He started going out at night, initially to drown his pain in alcohol. After a while, it occurred to him that he was a free man now, so why not pick up some girls as well? And so, for weeks he had dulled his pain with drinks and sex, over time needing more and more of each to keep the thoughts of her at bay.

Then one day, one dreadful day, he lost his teacher as well. The fire of vengeance helped him to keep his head above water for a while. Then, the war hit its climax and the rage of battle kept him going a little longer. But once his revenge accomplished and the war was over, he dived into oblivion. The death of Asuma on top of everything had thrown him in a cycle of self-contempt. Drinks. Sex. Shame. Repeat. 

Now, whenever he felt down and thought about going out and picking up a girl to dull the pain, he would remember the fateful night that got him out of this cycle, to remember himself not to go back there.

It was about a year ago, one night when he was particularly drunk and had brought an umpteenth girl back to his house. He vaguely remembered his mother protesting and him shoving her and taking the girl to his bed. Not his brightest moment…

* * *

_About a year ago, in the Nara’s house…_

Shikamaru woke up to the sound of his bedroom door slamming and the voice of his father yelling:

> \- You, said Shikaku, pointing at the girl in his son’s bed.
> 
> Get out of my house. It is not a damn brothel here.
> 
> \- Whaaat? You gonna let him talk to me like that?! Asked the girl, offended.
> 
> \- You heard the man, get out Saki, said a hung over Shikamaru.
> 
> \- My name, is HIROMI!

The girl had then quickly got dressed and stormed out of the house, not without giving one last nasty look to Shikaku and slamming the door on her way out. When she was gone, Shikaku stepped into the room.

> \- Are you not tired of this by now? It’s been months! And tonight, you even hurt your mother. Whatever this is, it has to stop.

Shikaku looked at this son he couldn’t even recognize now. He had watched him destroy himself little by little for the last months and had been incapable of pulling him up.

> \- Look, he added. If you want to fuck your way through life, so be it, I am not gonna be the one to stop you. However, if this is what you want, then I strongly suggest you do it in someone else’s house, or you’re out. Got it?

As an answer, all he got from his son was a nod. Shikaku turned around, on his way to leave and go to his own bed, but found himself incapable to leave just yet. He had to at least say _something_. He couldn’t just let him throw away his life like this. So, he added:

> \- Seriously though, pull yourself together Shikamaru! You are better than this. We raised you better than this.

As Shikaku was finally leaving the bedroom, just when he was about to step through the door, he heard the faint voice of his son:

> \- I don’t feel anything…

Shikaku stopped in his track, one hand on the door, and turned to face his son. He was clearly intoxicated still, his eyes empty, looking into the void. When did he got so skinny?

> \- What did you say?
> 
> \- I don’t feel anything. No matter how many times I do it or whom I do it with, it doesn’t matter, I just… I can’t feel anything…
> 
> \- I am sorry to tell you but, if you are sleeping around with that many people and you don’t feel anything, then you are clearly doing it wrong, said Shikaku with a smirk.

When his son didn’t reply, Shikaku added, more seriously:

> \- Or rather, you are doing it with the wrong person…

At this, Shikamaru looked up to his father, his eyes watery and a pained look on his face, before crossing his arms around his knees and looking away resolutely.

> \- Yeah, you didn’t invent the concept of rebound sex you know. No need to be a genius to figure out there was a girl involved. I understand what you are going through, and I get what it is like to be sixteen and alive, but still, it has gone too far… Don’t you think?

At the lack of response from his son, Shikaku came back into the room and sat at the bottom of the bed, by Shikamaru’s feet. The latter remained silent.

Shikaku was looking at the floor, his hands joined together, thinking about what he could possibly tell his son to help him through this devastating heartbreak. He wondered which one of the girls hurt him so bad. Couldn’t be Ino, for sure. Maybe someone in another village? Could be that girl from the Sand, Temari, wasn’t it?

It didn’t matter in the end. The only important thing being how much pain he was in right now. They never talked much, but when they did, he wanted to make it count.

> -… Look, he finally said. I am not going to tell you some crap about how there are plenty of other fish in the water and that you will find another girl and you will forget all about this, or whatever. Because it doesn’t work this way. And clearly, you are very much aware of the fish available, you even tasted the whole damn menu from what I can tell!
> 
> So, I guess you have already figured out it is not working. You can’t screw the pain away.

Shikamaru’s arms became tighter around his legs, shameful. His father continued:

> \- I will tell you this though. If you wanna do something about it, you’re gonna stop the drinks and the girls, and you’re gonna put yourself back together, and focus on something else. Focus on work for example. I could show you the ropes of being the Hokage’s advisor, if you’re interested. Whatever you want. Go on missions. Read. Play Shogi. See your friends. Do things you used to like. Eat, sleep, work and repeat. Do that, and there will be some days you are gonna wake up, and realise it hurts a bit less. Then there will be days when you won’t even think of it. With time, the number of painless days will be greater than the number of painful ones. And that, son, is when you will feel again.

They stayed silent a moment, Shikamaru looking at his knees, his father at his feet sitting on the bed. Shikaku was not the best choice to give a pep talk, but he did the best he could. He had had his fair share of heartbreak and hoped he could at least help his son by being honest. Eventually, Shikamaru spoke up:

> \- I guess… I can give a shot at doing things your way….
> 
> \- I guess I will see you at work tomorrow then.

Satisfied, Shikaku started to get up from the bed, but was interrupted by his son:

> \- Dad?
> 
> \- Hm? What is it?
> 
> \- Sometimes, when I start thinking about… I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I just freeze and… it makes me sick.
> 
> \- Look at me, son.

He waited for Shikamaru to stop staring at his knees and to look up, before telling him:

> \- When that happens next time, try this. Imagine that… Your thoughts of her are a cloud. Close your eyes and take a deep breath, and when you breathe out, it is the wind pushing the cloud away. And you do that until you cool down. Don’t you look at me like that, give it a try at least!

Looking at his father sceptically, Shikamaru closed his eyes and took a deep breathe in, and out, once, twice, thrice. It actually seemed like the exercise relaxed him a bit.

> \- Good, said Shikaku.

He then stood up from the bed and walked to the door. He really needed a good night of sleep after that. At the doorstep, he heard again the faint voice of his son:

> \- Dad? I… Thanks.

He smiled at him.

> \- Anytime.

The moment his father closed the door was the moment Shikamaru decided to turn his life around. He got more food into his system, more water and less alcohol, and spent his time between training and learning bureaucracy nonsense from his father. And indeed, day after day, it became less difficult to breathe. Maybe the old man was on to something after all.

* * *

Sitting on this bathroom floor, Shikamaru remembered all the work it took to get himself from there to where he was now, to stand up as one of the most promising ninja of Konoha and keep his head up without shame. Before today, he had been fine for months, it was just a little set back.

Feeling better know, more grateful than ever to his father, Shikamaru got up and joined his friends, who were starting to get anxious over the dinner he was supposed to pay for.

Shikamaru had been out for most of the day and it was almost nightfall. They went to their usual place and Choji ordered the biggest dish on the menu. Soon they were joined by their other comrades. They had to ask for another table so they could fit Sakura, Kiba, Hinata and Naruto. The meat was delicious and Shikamaru felt much better now, surrounded by his friends.

> \- By the way guys, what happened about the suspect? Did we get him?

Shikamaru felt embarrassed that he forgot to ask such an important question, wishing very hard that the suspect had not escape because of him clashing in a tree.

> \- Oh, you haven’t heard? Said Sakura.
> 
> \- Really?! Oh please, let me tell him, let me tell him!

Kiba seemed overexcited at the idea of telling Shikamaru what happened. He thought it was a very strange and, against his will, got really curious now.

> \- The suspect? Ah yes, it’s a girl by the way, about our age. But your dad said she didn’t do it. Actually, I think your dad brought her to your home and she is gonna stay with you, declared Naruto.
> 
> \- Come on man, you blew it! complained Kiba.

Shikamaru, on his side, was stunned. His father vouched for the girl suspected to kill the Daimyo?! What the hell was he thinking?

> \- This makes no sense. I need a more reliable source please. Hinata?
> 
> \- Y-yes, it is true Shikamaru-san…
> 
> \- Sakura?
> 
> \- Yup, and trust me, it was a huge surprise for everyone. The council is furious. Actually, Naruto and I saw her when we went to give back our mission report!
> 
> \- How is she then? Asked Kiba. Is she really as beautiful as they say?
> 
> \- More than that! Said Naruto grinning.

Sakura then punched him hard and Naruto flew through the restaurant, causing the owner to ask the group to leave.

Kiba and Naruto were musing about the beauty of the mystery girl, when they heard a group of ninjas passing by :

> \- Did you hear about the suspect?
> 
> \- It is scandalous! She should be in prison where she belongs, not sipping tea in the Nara compound!
> 
> \- Totally! What’s got into Shikaku?
> 
> \- Well, I have an idea…
> 
> \- Well, what is it?!
> 
> \- I saw them coming out of the Hokage’s tower over an hour ago - you should see her, man, she is gorgeous! I wouldn’t say no to a bite of this…
> 
> \- You’re impossible, get to the point already!
> 
> \- I was! As I was saying, I wouldn’t say no to this piece of ass, so what if…
> 
> \- Are you saying what I think you’re saying?!?
> 
> \- Weeeeell…They seemed very comfy, the two of them. So what if…
> 
> \- Ewww, he could be her father! Do you think that -
> 
> \- Hey, what the hell do you think you’re implying?!

Shikamaru couldn’t bear to listen to this nonsense any longer. These men knew nothing of his father. How could they dare to ruin his reputation in public, in the middle of the street?! He would never cheat on his mother, not to mention with a girl that young!

When the men realised who interrupted them, they all blushed deeply, before apologizing and running away.

> \- Shikamaru-san, are you ok? Don’t listen to them, your father is a great ninja and a good man.

It was Hinata. That girl was always so thoughtful. She always knew when to step in and make people feel better.

> \- Thanks, Hina. I am ok. They just don’t know what they’re talking about.

The others didn’t know what to say, embarrassed at what just happened. Shikamaru wondered if maybe some of them agreed and that’s why no one was talking now. He would probably better go see for himself.

> \- Anyway… I better head home, figure out what happened and if the person staying at my house is really a criminal. I am sure my dad had a good reason to take her in.
> 
> \- I am sure he does! Said Sakura with an understanding smile.
> 
> \- Bye everyone!

At that, Shikamaru left and head home, mentally listing all the questions he would ask his father about what happened today.

Though it was the middle of the night, all the lights were still on. He removed his shoes and went to the kitchen. There, he found his parents, sitting at the table.

> \- Yoshino…
> 
> \- Mom?

His mother turned around and looked at him. She had clearly cried a lot. As far as he could remember, the only time he saw his mother cry was when she buried her father. Something terrible must have happened for her to cry like that. He went by her side and put a hand on her shoulder.

> \- Mom, are you ok? What happened? Did someone die?!
> 
> \- No, nothing of the sort… It’s okay Shikamaru… Don’t worry, nothing happened, everybody’s fine.
> 
> \- No one is dead, started his dad. But something did happen. Look, it is a very long story and I can’t go through all of it again tonight, so I’ll be brief. You must have heard I decided to give shelter to the girl suspected to kill the Daimyo, right?
> 
> \- Well yeah, that’s all everyone’s talking about…
> 
> \- Good so you know already. It is complicated, but… I know her very well, and I am certain she is innocent. That’s why I decided to bring her here and offered she stay with us, until we clear her. Are you okay with that?
> 
> \- Does it matter? It is not like you put it up to a vote or anything…
> 
> But anyway, I trust your judgement dad. If you think she is innocent, she must be.
> 
> \- … Thanks Shikamaru, this means a lot to me.
> 
> Alright, it is getting really late and we all need to sleep. I’ll just introduce you two before we go to bed. We will have time to talk more tomorrow.

Shikaku got up and went to the door leading to the courtyard, opening it.

> \- Ok, you can come in now.

Shikamaru got up and walked towards the courtyard to meet this mysterious girl.

> \- This is Shikamaru, I told you about him already. Shikamaru, this is…

Emerald eyes met hickory ones. His heart stopped. His mouth dried. Here she was, right there in front of him, his worst nightmare and his wildest dream. Her chestnut hair falling to her waist and in front of her chest. She was even more beautiful than he remembered, her beauty a striking contrast with the simplicity of the beige kimono she was wearing.

“That kimono… “

> \- … Kaira. I hope you two will get along, you will be spending quite some time together this week.
> 
> \- It is nice to finally meet you, Shikamaru-san. I am Kaira Tsuki. Thank you for having me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a longer chapter than the previous ones, I hope you liked it !
> 
> Shika is one of my favorite character, I almost feel bad for making him go through this... Almost ;)
> 
> Don't hesitate to leave comments, I would love to know what you think!


	7. Day One

Shikamaru was having his breakfast in the forest. The day before had been a nightmare and he wasn’t ready to face _her_ just yet. So, this morning, he had filled up his bag with breakfast his mother had prepared, and fled the house before anyone else got up.

“It is nice to finally meet you, Shikamaru-san” she said.

He was so shocked at first that he didn’t even reply. It is only when he heard his father clearing his throat that he finally answered with a hesitant “Sure.”. That’s all he managed to say. His father had then taken her upstairs to show her the guestroom, and his mother had followed, slowly and clearly exhausted. He had waited until he heard doors closing before going to his own bedroom. Hers was right on the opposite side of the hallway. Apparently, his father had removed the door. So, inevitably, Shikamaru could not help but take a peek inside.

She was not there.

When he heard the bathroom door opening, he ran inside his bedroom, closing the door quickly.

“What a coward you are…” he thought.

He stayed awake all night long, incapable of going to sleep, fighting against each and every fibre of his body, screaming at him to cross the corridor separating them. The raging desire to see her, hear her voice and feel her warmth in his arms, kept any sleep away from him. But every time he got up and walked towards the door, just when his hand touched the handle, he would remember all the reasons why he shouldn’t, and go back to his bed. He knew his pain, he knew the scars she left inside of him, he knew the void her absence created, he knew the darkness of the abyss he fell into, all because of her.

Still, against all logical reasons, all good sense, all instinct of self-preservation, he was ready to dive into the darkness again, if it was the price to pay to hold her one more time. And this loop went on all night. When morning finally came, he didn’t have enough strength left in him to face her yet, so he pushed back the confrontation to later.

It was all too much. Eating his breakfast, watching the sunrise, he tried to make sense of the situation. A part of him thought he might still be having a nightmare in an hospital room. Another part hoped that his eyes deceived him yesterday. Yes, he had a head injury, he was tired, and he had thought so much about her all day yesterday, that when he was introduced to a mystery beautiful girl with green eyes, he pictured _her_ instead. Yes, that made sense.

Clearly much more sense than the other possibility. That his father brought home a girl who according to all witnesses had killed the Daimyo, taking responsibility for her, and it turned out that not only did she know his father before but, it was the same girl who broke him? What were the odds of that happening?

But if all of this was true, he had so many questions to ask her. Did she know who he was when they met? She had to, right? How long has she known his dad then? How did they meet? How come they were so close that he would vouch for her? What _is_ their relationship really? He dreaded to think that the guys from last night were right, and that she and his father were… No, impossible. But the most important question of all:

> -Why did you leave?...

Only the wind in the trees answered him. Despite his best efforts to accept what happened, that question still tortured him. Why would she leave? She loved him, he knew it in his heart. Thousand times, he tried to convince himself he was mistaken, but he was not. It would have been easier if she did not.

But she did. She loved him, at least as much as he loved her, he knew it. He tasted it on her lips every time they kissed. He heard it in her heartbeat every time they met. He felt it every time they made love. He saw it every time their eyes met. He knew, with absolute certainty, that she loved him back. So why would she leave? He could understand she got scared after his declaration, he had prepared for that. He knew her, and he knew she would have pulled herself together and come back to him.

But she didn’t. The logical explanation was she did not love him, and this was not true. He knew it.

“I know it. I know it…”

When he felt the burn in his eyes coming, he decided to push these thoughts away. He didn’t need another crisis now. She would be there all week, he would have plenty of time to destroy his mental health.

For now, he needed to keep himself busy. Find a mission. Go see people. Yes, that was a good idea.

* * *

> -Shikamaru already left.

Yoshino was busy in the kitchen, preparing plates for her husband and… _her_ , when she heard them coming down the stairs. Shikaku had asked the whereabouts of his son. What did he expect? That he would stay and give her a tour of the village? Come on. At least Shikamaru was not pretending. She was the only one stupid enough to act as if everything was alright. As if they didn’t have a murderer in their house. As if she didn’t have another woman’s child under her roof, sleeping over last night, and eating at _her_ table now. In _her_ house. Next to _her_ husband.

> -That’s a shame, said Shikaku. I had hoped he could spend the day with Kaira showing her around the village.

“Tss, so predictable” thought Yoshino.

> -I thought _you_ were supposed to watch her, she said.
> 
> -I have other obligations and work to do that she is not allowed to participate in. I didn’t exactly plan that I wouldn’t be available today.
> 
> -Well, you are a smart man, you can come up with a solution.

She then noticed the way her husband was staring at her now.

> -No. Don’t you dare drop her on me, I am cooking breakfast and it is the maximum I can handle right now!
> 
> -I am right here you know, said Kaira from the table. And I don’t need a babysitter, Shikaku. I can just stay here, it‘s fine.
> 
> -We agreed with the Hokage that you would be accompanied at all times by a Nara.
> 
> -My bedroom has no door, isn’t it good enough?
> 
> -Sorry, but you don’t have a say in this. Someone has to be with you.
> 
> -Tsk…

Kaira was annoyed to be treated like a child. She was not used to being supervised, and the situation clearly pushed on her nerves, Shikaku knew that.  
Shikaku then got up and went to his wife, who was busy washing clean dishes. He lowered his voice to talk with her only.

> -Yoshino, I know I am asking a lot from you…
> 
> -Oh, you think?!
> 
> -I know I am asking a lot from you, but I really have to do this thing for the council. They are already all over my back. It will only be until this afternoon. Just, I don’t know, take her with you to do the groceries or something? She can carry stuff, ask her whatever you like.
> 
> -Staying out of our lives is not an option I suppose?

Behind them, they heard the loud bang of a bowl being put down on the table, followed by the sound of cutlery. Kaira then brought her dishes to the counter where Yoshino and Shikaku were.

> -I will be in the guest room.

She then left the room and went up the stairs.

> -This was uncalled for, Shikaku scolded Yoshino. It is not her fault she is -
> 
> -Are you questioning my qualities as a host now?

Shikaku took a deep breath and pinched his nose. This was not going in the good direction. Alienating Yoshino was not a smart plan right now.

> -… so, what do you say?

Yoshino sighed deeply when she put down the dishes in the sink, a bit too hard.

> -Fine! You win. I will make sure that she doesn’t kill anyone else.
> 
> -She didn’t do it…
> 
> -I know, I know. Just leave and hurry your ass back here when you are done.
> 
> -I don’t deserve a wife like you…

Shikaku bent forward to kiss her, but she moved right past him, out of his reach, carrying her dry dishes to the cupboard.

> -No, you don’t.

* * *

They were on their way to the market. They didn’t exchange a word since they left the house. Kaira was walking just a bit behind Yoshino, not completely at the same level. Shikaku had left the two of them together earlier, promising he would return as early as possible. Yoshino was still furious. It was only the first day and already she was the one who had to look after Kaira.

The more they went into the village, the more crowded it became and the more people stared at them. Everyone had heard about Shikaku Nara bringing home the pretty girl who had potentially killed the Daimyo. Both Kaira and Yoshino knew the silent question behind every stare they felt on them.

Why?

Kaira was used to it. People had been staring her entire life, for various reasons. But this was Yoshino’s home. They were her people, she was a child of Konoha, and had been a remarkable kunoichi before becoming the respectable wife of a leading figure of the village. She was not used to be in the spotlight like this. But she was strong and decided to ignore the stares.

Eventually, Yoshino started talking to try and break the ice between them.

> -So, Kaira… Do you like fish? I was planning to do a casserole for tonight.
> 
> -Sure, whatever.

Kaira was looking straight in front of her.

> -It is one of Shikamaru’s favorite, that’s why…

Kaira didn’t reply and they kept walking in silence for another kilometre. The market was not far now.

> -If there is something in particular you want to eat, just tell me. I don’t look like it, but I am a good cook you know. You grew up in the mountains in the Land of Lightning, right? Maybe we could cook a speciality dish or –
> 
> -Stop it.
> 
> -Excuse me?

Kaira had stopped following her, so Yoshino had to turn around to look at her. Kaira went to a side alley, away from the eavesdropping ears. Yoshino followed her. She then stared at her, waiting for Kaira to answer.

> -I said, stop it. Don’t bother pretending you are fine with me being here, or that you don’t hate me, just because Shikaku asked you to. You can spare us both the small talk. I am fine with you hating me. I am someone else’s daughter after all, an intruder in your house. I know it, you know it. We don’t have to be friends, and you don’t have to pretend you like me or that you care. Can we just walk in silence and get this over with?

Yoshino was shocked at this speech. It was so much like her mother, to assume she knew better than themselves what other people thought. What a pretentious brat she was. Indeed, she did not like her one bit.

> -Fine.

They started walking again, and soon they took another turn and arrived at the market. As soon as they entered the street, the hubbub of haggles and chit chat exploded to their ears. The smell of spices and fresh fruits deliciously scented the air. It was the busiest part of the city at this hour, and the point of convergence for many housewives to gossip about the latest news.

Going from stall to stall, Yoshino met with several of her friends, Kaira following closely behind so she would stay in her sight. Most of these women were former kunoichis like Yoshino, before they became wives and mothers. Every time Yoshino met one of them, the woman would give Kaira a side look, before raising her eyebrows and whisper to Yoshino so she wouldn’t hear. But Kaira could. And she did hear everything.

“Oh Yoshino, I am so sorry for you…”. “Yoshino, is that who I think it is?...”. “Oh my, my husband was right, she _is_ a dead ringer for her mother!”. “Yoshino, I can’t believe Shikaku would bring her to your house! What a humiliation…”. “How are you putting up with this? If it were me, they would have both ended up in the street…”. “How awful it must be, waking up and seeing _her_ face in your house! They look just the same…”

And every time, Yoshino would smile, thank them, and sign Kaira to follow her to another stall. It seemed to Kaira that she herself was more outraged at all these people fake concerns than Yoshino was. It was clear they were just fishing for some juicy comments to add to the local gossips. But Yoshino was not giving anything away. At least in that, Kaira admired her. Not many people in her situation would be able to keep their head up.

Eventually, Yoshino bought everything she needed, and Kaira’s arms were charged with fresh food. They headed back to the compound. It had been hours of people staring, and everyone she knew asking Yoshino how she was, scanning for any weakness they could exploit for more information. She was exhausted now. They walked for a while in silence, and it was only when the streets cleared and they were alone that Yoshino spoke up again.

> -Sorry about that. They don’t know what they are talking about.

Since Kaira didn’t answer, she continued.

> -If you are anything like your mother, then I know you have been trained to heighten your senses, and you heard everything.

Kaira didn’t even look at her, stubbornly staying silent.

> -Shikaku and I talked a lot last night, and he explained the situation. For what it is worth, I just wanted to say that… I am sorry for your loss. You must miss her terribly...
> 
> -Don’t be. Don’t be sorry, because I am not.
> 
> And no, I don’t miss her. As far as I am concerned, I have never had a mother.

For the second time today, this girl’s bluntness shocked her. She was doing her best to be polite and understanding, but that girl made it impossible to like her.

> -You shouldn’t be talking about the dead like that. She gave you birth after all, it is not nothing. Surely you m-
> 
> -And I am sure she regretted it every day until she died.
> 
> Why do you care anyway? After what she did to you, you cannot possibly feel sorry for her being dead.

Yoshino had nothing to answer to that. What an impossible brat... But she was starting to understand better now. She then replied:

> -I am very much aware of what she did. However, it took two people to hurt me, so don’t give her all the credit. And still, despite everything…

Yoshino hesitated, unsure if she should be sharing this with her.

> -… She was my friend too, you know. All these years hating her, and I had no idea she was already gone. What a waste of time…

Neither of them added anything to the conversation, and they soon arrived at the Nara house. They removed their shoes and Kaira put the groceries on the counter. Soon, Shikaku should arrive and they wouldn’t have to bear with each other anymore.

Yoshino started to unpack and Kaira was heading to the courtyard, when she stopped, and turned around.

> -Yoshino-san?
> 
> -Hm?
> 
> -… I am sorry for your loss.

Kaira then left the house and sat in the courtyard, not giving the time to Yoshino, agape, to answer.

“What an impossible brat” she thought, going back to her groceries.

But she could see it now, what her husband tried to tell her last night.

“She is going to make it impossible to get through to her. But if you pass those walls, there is someone pretty amazing in there. She won’t let you see it without putting up a fight though… But if you are lucky, sometimes she lets you see a glimpse.”

As she remembered the words of her husband, she sighed, then smiled.

> -I guess I am lucky, then…

* * *

> -So, how is she?

They had trained all morning and were know having soda at the Akimichi’s.

Training had been good to take his mind off things, but Choji kept insisting to talk about her.

> -I don’t know, ok? I haven’t talked to her.
> 
> -Really? Ok.

Though they just had lunch, Choji was eating cake that his mother made. He was not one to pry, but he was still curious about this girl, so he asked Shikamaru another question.

> -What does she look like then? Is she as pretty as they say? Maybe you didn’t talk to her but you still have eyes.

Shikamaru sighed. He wouldn’t let it go, would he?

> -Yes, I do… You know what I noticed? She has eyes too. Crazy, right?

Choji gave him a desperate look, rolling his eyes at him, before he focused back on his cake. He didn’t ask anything more.

Shikamaru felt bad for mocking him and eventually answered.

> -Ok ok, you win. Truth is, she is even more beautiful than what they say. She has green eyes like emeralds, her hair is the colour of leaves in autumn and she has curves everywhere you want them to. And her face looks like the ones carved in the angels’ statues in the old temples. Happy now?

Choji looked at him with wide eyes.

> -That was… very detailed. The colour of leaves in autumn, huh? That’s… poetic of you.
> 
> -Hmpf. Forget it. Wanna play Shogi?

Choji laughed at Shikamaru’s blushing face, red from embarrassment.

> -Haha, no thanks. I am not like you, I am not smart enough to understand this game anyway.
> 
> -Of course you are, you just need to give it a try.
> 
> -Nope, I’m good. So, what’s the deal between her and your dad? What did he tell you?
> 
> -Nothing.

That was the truth. They immediately went to bed last night, and he escaped the house before his father woke up. So, they still hadn’t talked.

> -Really? So, you have no idea? What do you think it is then?
> 
> -Honestly Choji, I am completely clueless. I had no idea there was someone like her in his life.

And apparently, his father had no idea _he_ had someone like her in his life as well.

It had been strange for sure, her introducing herself as if they didn’t know each other. Once past the shock of seeing her, he had felt extremely offended, wondering if maybe she didn’t even remember him. It was foolish of course, and thinking about it now, he realised she had done them both a favour. She was his secret just as much as he was hers. She must have figured that neither of them wanted to give this up just yet.

Maintaining appearances made things easier anyway. It gave him an excuse to not be there and the time to process the situation.

Choji was right though, what was it between them? He would need to have a serious talk with his father tonight.

> -Hey Choji, should we get more cake? I would like some now.
> 
> -I was just about to say that!

As they were getting out of the room, they heard voices from the open kitchen door.

> -Poor Yoshino, it must be so difficult for her…

That was Choji’s mother. They were close friend with Yoshino and the first thing she had asked Shikamaru when he arrived earlier was “How is your mother doing with all of this?”.

> -Damn right it is. Can you imagine that?

This, was Inoichi. Ino’s father.

> -I am sure she is a great kid, otherwise Shikaku would have never protected her from the council.

Now that was Chota, Choji’s father. Always willing to see the best in others, just like his son. Apparently, his opinion was not shared by Inoichi:

> -We both know Shikaku is a sucker for lost causes, it doesn’t mean anything. He protected her because he had to, it is as simple as that.

The conversation was starting to get interesting. Maybe they could learn a few things by staying quietly here? After all, they were all childhood friends.

Choji seemed to have the same idea, as he signalled Shikamaru to hide himself behind the wall. They found good hiding positions and stayed quiet, all ears open.

> -Come on Chota, you know what I am talking about.
> 
> -You don’t know that, it is just speculating…
> 
> -Do you really think so, honey? We all remember how furious Yoshino was after finding out about them…

Choji exchanged a shocked look with Shikamaru. Were they really implying that…?

> -You should be ashamed, both of you. This is our friends we are talking about. Our best friend, Inoichi. One of the most respectable and honourable man I know. Doesn’t he deserve the benefit of the doubt before ruining his reputation in the whole village? It is our job to defend him!
> 
> -… You are right, Chota. My wife must be getting to me… I shouldn’t be so quick to jump to conclusions.
> 
> -Nevertheless, it still must be hard on Yoshino, having that woman’s daughter in her home. A living reminder of her husband’s betrayal… I even hear she is the spitting image of her. If you had done that to me I don’t know what-
> 
> -Stop it, will you?! It was years ago! We were young, we all made mistakes. They had barely started dating back then.

Shikamaru had never felt so grateful to Choji’s dad right now. He was the only one in this room he wanted to listen to.

> -Alright Chota, you win, said Inoichi. Maybe we shouldn’t judge him so fast.
> 
> But think about the facts. Kalina and Shikaku have- _had_ , a long and complicated history. He could never resist her. And indeed, he did _not_ resist her one night, when he was already with Yoshino, at the beginning like you said. Also… I heard the girl is just about a year older than our kids… So, it is possible. The timing fits.

At this, Choji discreetly went back to the room, indicating Shikamaru to come when he didn’t follow. He closed the door, and the voices stopped.

> -By all the kamis, Shikamaru… are they saying what I think they’re saying?

Shikamaru couldn’t talk and so, didn’t answer his friend. He was still trying to wrap his head around the conversation they just heard. _The timing fits_. No. No way. She couldn’t be. He couldn’t have fall… with… No. No…

> -Shikamaru, could this girl be… your sister?
> 
> -…
> 
> -Shika, you alright?
> 
> -… I think I’m gonna be sick.

* * *

It was the end of her first day of probation. It went better than she had thought. Against all odds, Shikaku’s wife even tried to befriend her. It didn’t make any sense to her, but apparently, she was not even forcing herself so much. This woman clearly did not deserve what was happening to her right now.

She had spent the afternoon waiting for Shikaku to come back from work. Until he did, she was stuck in the house or anywhere Yoshino could see her. It gave her time to think about Shikamaru. She had to pretend she didn’t know him yesterday, that was awkward… She hoped he would understand. After all, it seemed like he didn’t tell Shikaku about her either. She was terrified to see him again, and play the pretend game. Having to do small talk to someone she never had a small talk with.

Moreover, dealing with him in front of his parents was one thing. An easy charade of indifference to play. But what if they found themselves alone? It would happen eventually, they were living under the same roof. Also, Kaira knew Shikaku, he would want his son to get along with her and come up with some plan to get them stuck together for a day.

Kaira had dreamt so many times of seeing him again, though under much different circumstances. Last night, she had barely managed to introduce herself through the lump in her throat. It took every ounce of will in her not to throw herself at him. He was just like she remembered him. He did grow up a bit the last two years – but for the better… His smart hickory eyes, his silver earrings, his damn pony tail, almost everything was still there. But what she missed the most, was his smile. Just thinking about this smile brought butterflies to her stomach. However, she doubted she would see it anytime soon. She could only imagine how much he hated her, given the conditions of their separation. Nothing had gone the way she had planned that day... Anyway, there was no point thinking about it now. What happened, happened. Since their separation, she knew how Shikamaru was doing through Shikaku, when he vented to her. Unknowingly, he informed her of all the pain she had caused, so she knew how much she had hurt him. Kaira had paid the price for that, and she would keep paying it for as long as necessary.

Shikamaru had been her saviour. He had found her in ashes and built her up from scratch. In return, she left him in pieces. What are you supposed to tell someone you have destroyed?

Shikaku’s return ended her thinking. When he finally came back, it was already time for dinner. They were setting the table when Yoshino received a phone call from the Akimichi’s. Apparently, Kaira would have one more night to figure out how to deal with Shikamaru, since he was staying over at his friend’s tonight.

Yoshino was furious, she had spent the whole afternoon preparing this casserole. Kaira felt bad for her, knowing well that the reason her son was not coming back tonight was sitting at her table.

The meal was delicious, although pretty quiet. Kaira finished clearing her plate and wished them a good night, before going into her doorless bedroom and getting ready to sleep.

“Alright, one of seven days. Hang in there, Kaira. You’ll survive this week… eventually.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to Darky303 and MarySkylar for leaving kudos ! I am very happy you enjoy this story.
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter, I don't have a beta reader to tell me if the story makes sense or or if I am writing properly, so I hope it flows well ! When I read it so many times myself, it starts to mess with my head haha
> 
> Don't hesitate to leave any comment/ questions you may have!
> 
> Cheers


	8. Day Two

> -It doesn’t look very good.

Shikaku and Yoshino were talking in their kitchen. It was early in the afternoon; Shikamaru was not home yet and Kaira was training outside. They could see her from far and Shikaku judged the distance safe enough to talk.

> -Why is that? I thought there was no evidence.

Yoshino was serving them jasmine tea. Her husband waited for her to finish before he answered :

> -There isn’t. Nothing physical at least. But they don’t care. She is the perfect scapegoat.

Shikaku took a sip of his tea, thinking. What would be his next move? He still had the rest of today and five more days to figure it out. He just lost the whole morning and skipped lunch trying to put some sense into the council. If he couldn’t convince them, at least he will force the investigation to be carried out rigorously. He recapitulated the facts out loud:

> -Here is what we have: there are hundreds of witnesses who saw a woman in a kimono jumping from her gallery into the Hokage’s. A few people who were close enough say that before the end of the Hokage’s speech, they saw the Daimyo for less than a second before she jumped in. When she jumped out, he was dead.
> 
> We couldn’t get any clear statement from these few, regarding the timeline. Were they sure he was alive before she jumped? Did they see the woman carrying the murder weapon? It went so fast no one knows what happened first. This is both our luck and our curse, I guess.
> 
> The Hokage himself didn’t see anything, he was turned towards the crowd, and by the time he smelled the blood, she was already behind him. He just had the time to see her run away. No one even saw the girl’s face. But Kaira confessed to jumping in already, so we cannot pretend otherwise.
> 
> On top of that, the stupid girl killed the real culprit, eliminating the only person we could have used to exonerate her. And when they found her, she had the Daimyo’s seal. And the cherry on top is, of course, her reputation as an assassin. “Mercenary gone rogue kills the Daimyo”, it is an easy story to buy. No one wants to look further than this to declare she is guilty. But yes, other than that there was no physical evidence she was involved in the murder. That’s the only reason I managed to get her here instead of prison.
> 
> -She is lucky you are looking further. I am sure you will find a loophole.

Shikaku was surprised to hear that.

> -… Do you really want me to?
> 
> -What are you implying? I am not heartless, I am not a huge fan of hers of course, but it doesn’t mean she deserves to pay for crimes she didn’t commit.
> 
> -Well, that makes only two of us thinking that way.
> 
> At the end of the day, it is her against public opinion. And she doesn’t exactly stand out as a model citizen.

Yoshino’s eyes illuminated. That was the look she got when she had an idea, and most of the time her ideas were really stretched.

> -It could be the solution actually. The real problem is that she cannot be trusted, correct?
> 
> -Basically, yes.
> 
> -Then it is simple. Have Inoichi interrogate her. He can have a look in her memory and be her witness. The council and the Hokage trust him to interrogate our highest grade criminals –
> 
> -No.

The answer felt like a slap, firm, decisive and indisputable. The moment she suggested Inoichi examines her mind, Shikaku’s muscles contracted, his eyebrows furrowed, and his hands clenched around his cup. Yoshino felt distraught. Inoichi was one of his best friend, didn’t he trust him?

> -Why not? She asked.
> 
> -Absolutely not. Unless there is no other choice, no more arguments I can make, no time left to think, unless I have made every possible move in my power, I will _never,_ let them get in her head. It is not even an option.
> 
> -Who wants to get in my head?

Kaira had discreetly reached the entrance of the kitchen from the garden. She had felt Shikaku’s chakra growing before she heard his voice raising, so she came to make sure everything was fine. She was now standing at the door sill, right hand on the door frame, eyeing them.

> -How much did you hear? Asked Shikaku.
> 
> -Just the part where you didn’t want people in my head. You were probably talking about the Yamanaka family, I assume? They are specialised in mind manipulation jutsu, is that correct?

Shikaku exchanged a look with his wife. She understood she should stay out of this conversation and looked down at her cup.

> -Yes, that’s correct, said Shikaku. And it happens that the Yamanakas are often called during sensitive examinations.
> 
> -I see. Well, if it comes to this, I am ready. They will only see what I want them to see. And I feel sorry for the poor guy who would try to get more. Not that I would volunteer myself either, but if it can get me out of here sooner…
> 
> -You _think_ you are ready, but you’re not. You simply don’t realise the scale of Inoichi’s skills. He will see everything he wants to, everything the _council_ will ask him to look for. Are you ready for that?

“No” she thought. “But, I am ready to destroy the mind of anyone who will try to look under the surface. I give the memory of the killing, that’s it. He crosses the line, I’ll fry his brain.”

Though she was upset at Shikaku’s condescendence, she did her best to stay calm and continued.

> -… Fine, I will avoid it if we can. But I still think you overestimate his abilities, I can do it, if you would just-
> 
> -No, _you_ just let me deal with it. You have done enough already.

Kaira clenched her left fist, taking the blow. He was right of course; she didn’t play it well that day. If she hadn’t been distracted with her stupid feelings, she would have done less mistakes. She would have spared the life of this asshole and gave him to the ANBU when she would have caught him. This guy would have been brain probed to prove her innocence, they would have thanked her and she would have been in another country right now. She knew better. She was trained better. However, all of this was none of his damn business, so why was she being scolded now?!

> -What I did wrong or didn’t do, is not your responsibility. I can take care of my own mess…
> 
> -Too late for that kid, I already told the Hokage I took responsibility for your actions, remember? So, this is kind of my problem now.
> 
> -And who the hell asked you to do that?! I certainly didn’t! It was none of your damn business!

Her right hand on the door clenched so hard she broke the wooden frame, splinters digging in her skin and under her nails, like dozens of tiny needles. She never asked for him to put the name of his family on the line for her. She never asked him to come out to his wife about her. He is the one who decided to make her his burden to bear. He did that all by himself; as always, and for what?! As she clenched her left fist harder, the ground started to shake. As always, she was only making things worse. She tried to calm herself.

“Relax, take a deep breath…” she told herself.

Kaira seemed really mad at him. It annoyed Shikaku. If this went wrong, she was facing life imprisonment, so what was he supposed to do?! Of course it was his business! He punched the table and pointed his finger at her.

> -You don’t have the right to be angry with me, young lady! Do you think I like cleaning up your mess?! If you don’t want me to do so, then don’t make a mess in the first place!
> 
> -Anata, please do something, I prefer our house, you know… standing up? Intervened Yoshino.

She was right to worry. Some cups started to fall from the cupboards and shattered on the floor.

It had been a long time since Kaira spent so much time in a city, keeping it together now proved to be more difficult than anticipated.

“Come on, get a hold of yourself!” she thought.

She could usually blow off the steam far away in the mountains, the desert, or the forest. Between the market this morning and yesterday, the judgemental looks and comments, and her whole Nara family situation to deal with, it was too much.

> -Kaira, stop it. Now. I am not kidding.
> 
> -…

Her breathing became harder. What did he think she was doing?! As if she actually wanted to destroy his house…

At the lack of Kaira’s answer, anger left Shikaku’s face to be replaced by determination. He stood up and walked to her, plates and cups still crashing around him. Yoshino was holding to her dining table, hoping Kaira would stop destroying her house. Once Shikaku reached Kaira, he put his hands on her shoulders.

> -Kaira, look at me. It’s okay.
> 
> -…

“ It’s not like I _wanted_ to make a mess that day. Chaos just seem to love following me! Always had, always will. You know that, so why do you keep trying? When will you finally learn?!” she thought.

> -Kaira.

She could not look at him, so she closed her eyes. Her fists clenched so hard that blood was dripping from the wounds her nails made in her hand. The splinters in her right hand went deeper. Her chakra was going wild, she could feel it in the shaking ground underneath.

All of the sudden, everything stopped moving. She stopped thinking. She felt a warmth enveloping her, relaxing her muscles, calming her heartbeat. Without the loud noise of her blood pulsating in her brain, she could focus and regain control of her chakra. As the warmth spread to her head, she took a deep breathe. It smelled of the forest and old scrolls. A scent she was all too familiar with.

Yoshino sighed at the relief that her house was still standing. Minus a couple of cups and plates. She didn’t dare to move an inch, afraid she would break the delicate balance that had stopped the earth from quaking. And so, she stood there for a couple of minutes, quietly observing the scene in front of her.

Part of her was jealous of that girl. A bigger part than her pride allowed her to admit. Oh yes, so jealous. Jealous of the way her husband naturally hold her in his arms. Jealous of the way he instinctively brought his hand to the back of her head, pressing her against his chest. Jealous of the way he stroked her hair, whispering comforting words.

And resentful, that her own son had never met the father she was seeing now. The father she never knew he could be.

The one this girl stole from him.

* * *

> -So, Shikamaru… are we gonna talk about it? Or do I keep pretending everything is fine?
> 
> -The second option. What do you want to practice next?

Shikamaru and Choji were in a meadow, a couple of kilometres away from the village, in the opposite direction of the Nara compound. It was not their usual training ground but Shikamaru was hell bent on going as far away as possible from his home. They had spent the entire morning practicing in the sun. They were both sweaty and beaten up. Now, Choji was honestly starving and just wanted a lunch break. Shikamaru seemed obviously worked up, and Choji found it somehow reassuring that he would work it out with training rather than, well, his previous ways.

Choji started to worry last evening, after they overheard this conversation between his parents and Ino’s father. So what, if she is his sister? He heard his dad, whatever happened was before Shikamaru’s parents really got together. Choji still could not believe Shikamaru’s father would cheat on Yoshino though, but apparently you never know. He understood that it would come as an even bigger shock to his friend to find this out, but still, he was a bit over-reacting.

He didn’t talk much yesterday after that talk, just rushed to the bathroom to hurl a couple of times. When Choji suggested he should go home to rest since he was sick, Shikamaru had freaked out and almost begged to stay the night. Choji tried to ask him if there was something else bothering him since yesterday evening, but Shikamaru wouldn’t bulge. Since he wasn’t one to push it, he let it go and pretended nothing happened. However, he was really sick of training now.

> -Alright listen, here is how it is gonna work. I can pretend all you want, but I can’t do it on an empty stomach. So, if you want me to keep pretending, let’s have a break and eat.
> 
> -Fine… Let’s take a break.

The sun was high in the sky and they looked for some fresh space to settle. They sat under the trees’ shadows surrounding the meadow, and laid out their meal. They had picked up some onigiris on their way here this morning. And chips of course.

They enjoyed the fresh grass and the meal, planning for the afternoon training.

> -Hey, should we get Ino for this afternoon? I mean, it is cool to train the two of us but it has been a while we haven’t trained as a trio.
> 
> -Honestly Choji, no. I would prefer she stays where she is.
> 
> -Why?
> 
> -Isn’t is obvious? She is such a drag when she is there, always bossing us around.
> 
> -Sure, that’s the reason, said Choji with a snork.
> 
> -What does that mean?
> 
> -Nothing.
> 
> -Oh come on.
> 
> -*sigh* fine. Be honest then, you don’t want her around because she is bossy or because she will keep asking questions about… you know who, to fuel her gossip tank?
> 
> -… Both.
> 
> -Okay. She stays where she is, then.

They were done with the meal, and everything was quiet now. Shikamaru decided to lay down in the fresh grass, like he would usually do to watch the clouds, but he closed his eyes instead. Choji was sitting next to him, under the trees, the valley at their feet. Eventually, he took another bag of chips as he got bored waiting for Shikamaru to wake up, and just as he was about to open it, he heard his friend, apparently not asleep :

> -I already knew her.

“Oh? Is he really talking about this now? Finally…” thought Choji. “Let’s hear what this is about.”.

> -Actually, I know her pretty well, said Shikamaru. Or… at least I thought I did.

Since Shikamaru did not continue, Choji encouraged him.

> -So? Since when do you know her?
> 
> -…It’s been almost three years since the first time we met.

Again, silence. Choji insisted.

> -And… Have you ever felt a connection with her then?

At this, Shikamaru burst in laughter. It was not a happy laughter, the kind you hear after a good joke. It was a crazy laugh, the kind some people do at funerals.

> -Haha… that’s a good one. I felt one hell of a connection for sure. But if by that you mean, did I ever imagine she could be… related to me? Absolutely not.

Shikamaru swallowed with difficulty when he finished that sentence. He did not want to start crying now, not in front of Choji.

“What am I saying?” thought Shikamaru, “I shouldn’t be talking about this, to anyone. It should stay my secret.”.

But the words just blurted from his mouth before he could stop them.

> -Choji, if I tell you something, can you promise me you won’t tell anyone? Not even Ino?
> 
> -Uh? Sure… you’re my best friend Shika, you can tell me anything.

Choji was clearly worried now. It was not like Shikamaru to say such things. It must be important. Did he have another sibling out there that he knew about? Did something happen with Temari? Did he start doing stupid things again?

> -I am dead serious Choji, I… No one can know.
> 
> -Do you really have to ask? Come on you can trust me.

“What am I doing?” thought Shikamaru. “I can’t tell him, what is he gonna think of me?!”.

But he could not hold it any longer. The burden was too much to bear for him alone, he had to share it with someone. It was torturing him since yesterday, eating away his sanity. He could only hope his best friend wouldn’t be as disgusted in him as he was in himself. He struggled to find the words.

> -When I said I already knew her, I meant… We know each other. As in, we _know_ each other.
> 
> -Uh… okay… so what?
> 
> -Choji, the girl my dad brought home, Kaira, supposedly my- I can’t even say it…
> 
> The girl staying in my home right now, sleeping in the bedroom across from mine, I _know_ her Choji, it’s… she is… she…

Shikamaru took a deep breathe, still laying in the grass, before turning his head to look his friend in the eyes. He could see him worrying.

> -It’s _her_ , Choji. Kaira, she is… it’s _her_.
> 
> -By her, you mean ..?
> 
> Oh.
> 
> _Oh_ …

Shikamaru could see in the realisation coming in Choji’s eyes, as he understood who _she_ was. At first, he just had a questioning look, trying to figure out what he meant. Then, his eyes became wider, when he finally figured out her identity. Finally, his face became white, realising what her presence meant for his friend, but more importantly, the significance of what they overheard yesterday.

> -Oh, Shikamaru… This is… This is…
> 
> -I know. I still can’t believe it myself…

Shikamaru felt relieved that his secret was out, that he could finally confide in someone. But the shame and disgust crushed him, and he dreaded to know what his friend thought of him now.

> -I mean… This is crazy, said a stunned Choji. And you had no idea?
> 
> -Of course not!
> 
> -But… you did… _things_ , together.
> 
> -I know…

Shikamaru looked back at the sky and tried to swallow the lump in his throat. It felt as if it couldn’t go away ever since he heard that conversation. Every time he tried to face the facts, his throat felt a little bit tighter.

> -Man… no wonder you were out of it since yesterday, added Choji.
> 
> -Wanna know the worst part?
> 
> -Oh god, there is more?!

Shikamaru chuckled.

> -After all this time, everything I went through, I thought I was done. I thought this was all behind me now.
> 
> But the moment I saw her two nights ago, it all came back.
> 
> I know what we heard, and I know now that I am connected to her in ways that revolt me. But even knowing that, I can’t help it… all I want is to hold her once more.
> 
> Choji… do you think I am sick for feeling this way? I must be…

Finally, that was the question tormenting him. He couldn’t help how he felt, and the guilt was eating him alive.

Shikamaru was his best friend in the whole world, and seeing his distress was unbearable to Choji. He had been unable to help him before, since he had no idea what happened to him. He often wished his friend had trusted him then. But he did now, and Choji was not about to let him down.

> -No, of course not. You’re not sick. It’s just… It’s not that simple. I mean, you didn’t know who she was back then. You didn’t do anything wrong.
> 
> -But I know, now. And I still feel the same…
> 
> -… Maybe you need to take a step back. It is all really fresh right now, maybe in a couple of days you will think differently.

Shikamaru doubted that, nevertheless he was grateful to Choji for trying to reassure him. Confessing his secret did relieve him greatly, but there was nothing more to say about it now. He could use more distraction.

> -Thanks for listening to me Choji, you’re a good friend. Let’s just go back to training now, okay?

Choji nodded, and they both stood up from the ground. They packed their things and head further inside the forest to train in the shadows. Along the way, Choji eventually asked :

> -Hey Shikamaru, I was thinking… did _she_ know? I mean, there is no way you could have known for _them_ , but it is difficult to miss the connection between you and your dad.
> 
> -…
> 
> -… Shikamaru?

Shikamaru had stopped walking.

“Of course” he thought, “I was so deep in my own guilt I forgot everything else.”

Choji was right, he had nothing to be guilty about. But she on the other hand, she _had_ to know who he was when they met. But she didn’t say anything. If all this time, she knew, from the beginning, but she never told him, never stopped him, that was… that was…

> -I am so gonna kill her…

* * *

Shikaku had to go back to the Hokage’s tower later in the afternoon, after an ANBU came to ask for him. So it was back to Yoshino and Kaira again.

Kaira spent the rest of the afternoon fixing the house. She was not proud of her behaviour from earlier. Not that she cared if Yoshino liked her or not, it was just wrong to destroy someone else’s property. Especially when they are giving you shelter, she thought. When she was finally done with the repairs, Yoshino opened a bottle of iced tea, and invited her to join her.

Kaira felt very uneasy after the scene she made earlier. The mismatched glasses in front of her a reminder of everything she has broken.

> -I apologize, for the door and … everything else.
> 
> -These old tea cups? I wanted to change them anyways. They were a gift from Shikaku’s mother and I always hated them.

Yoshino smiled at Kaira, then took a sip from her glass. Kaira put hers back on the table, a bit too strongly. She definitely did not understand.

> -Why are you so nice to me? I almost destroyed your house today.
> 
> -If you ever do, be sure you build me a better one. You did a good job with the door.

Seriously? No one can be that nice.

> -I am not just physically destroying your home. I am disturbing your whole life. Your reputation, your family… so why on Earth are you so nice to me?
> 
> -Why are you trying so hard to make me hate you?

Kaira did not expect that question. Breathless, she did not answer. Instead, she stared at a drop of condensation sliding down her glass.

> -So? No snarky comments? I must have misjudged you. I thought you were stronger than that.

Yoshino was trying to push her, hoping she could make her talk a bit more. They hadn’t exchanged a word today besides this conversation, and she didn’t want what happened this afternoon to start again. She had to find a way to make this girl talk.

> -Just like your mother I see, always playing it hard to get.
> 
> -I am NOT like that woman!

Kaira declared, standing up and punching the table with the palm of her hand. Very briefly, Yoshino saw electric arcs surrounding that hand, before it disappeared. That girl really had a hard time keeping it together.

> -Thank you for the iced tea.

Kaira then brought her glass to the sink and washed it, before going upstairs without another word.

As Yoshino stared at the burnt mark in the shape of a hand on her table, she realised Kaira was still a child indeed. So eager to prove the world she didn’t need anyone. She played it all tough and mature on the outside, but at the end of the day, she was still learning how to be an adult, and she let all those bottled up emotions get the best of her. Funny though, that as uncivilised and rough as she looked, she maintained her good manners, she thought when looking at the cleaned cup.

“That’s why I am nice to you, stupid girl. I know this is not your fault.”

* * *

Kaira was meditating in her room. It was a routine she normally applied to her daily life, but she hadn’t been able to do so during the last couple of days. The events of today clearly showed her she needed this moment to recollect herself. It was a moment of communion with her mind and body, when she sealed her emotions away and malaxed her chakra to keep it under lock and key. She was normally cool headed and no one could read her poker face. It was her best weapons, in battles but also to get through everyday life. Never cringing under torture, never panicking. She always made every decision with the cold heart and indifference she was renowned for. She needed it back if she wanted to make it through the week in this accursed village. She couldn’t let herself feel so much.

A couple of hours passed, and she finally felt like her usual self again, ready to take on anything. No matter what happened, or whom, she would-

> -How could you?

Her eyes snapped open when she recognized the voice. She was surprised she didn’t sense him approaching the house, she was normally very good at detecting chakra. Still too many things on her mind probably, she thought. She turned around, still sitting on her bed, and saw him.

He was beyond furious. The only time she had seen him like this, was one night by a lake, after a hurtful revelation. Except this time, his rage seemed entirely directed at her. So that was it, uh? He had decided to confront her today, then. She braced herself to get what she deserved. She knew this was going to happen eventually. She was ready now.

> -All this time, I thought we were so honest with each other. I thought you could never lie to me, or manipulate me. I always thought that what we had, our relationship, was the sincerest I have ever had in my life. So imagine what it felt like, when I found out you lied to me the entire time.

“Uh… what?” Kaira raised an eyebrow, puzzled. What was that all about? She messed up with him big time, but she had never lied to him. Was this maybe about Shikaku?

Shikamaru continued, his voice getting higher and higher:

> -So how could you? How could you let me fall for you? How could you let anything happen between us? How could you hide this from me all this time?! How… What the hell is wrong with you?! Damn it, ANSWER ME!
> 
> -Shikamaru! Stop it! Why on earth are you yelling at her?!

When she heard her son screaming, Yoshino had run up the stairs, only to find him yelling at Kaira, speechless on her bed.

> -Mom, go back downstairs, I will get rid of her.
> 
> -And why would you do that?! What is this about Shikamaru?! You better have a good explanation to scream at this girl when she did nothing to you.

Shikamaru clenched his fists, and started yelling even higher:

> -Nothing?! Are you kidding me?! You, more than _anyone_ , should be angry right now! How can you let her stay here? Hell, how can you let _dad_ live here after what he did? That’s all everyone talks about! This cheating asshole-

He tasted blood in his mouth, from biting his cheek. The burn of his mother’s slap was hot on his face.

Everyone was speechless. Kaira observed the scene from the bed, her mouth agape, first by the confusion she felt at Shikamaru’s nonsense, then by the surprise from seeing Yoshino hit him. Shikamaru instinctively brought his hand to his burning cheek, staring at his mother in shock. Yoshino herself couldn’t believe what she did. His whole life, she had never raised her hand on him. But a moment ago, she just couldn’t let him say anything more that he would regret, and acted before thinking. Keeping her composure nonetheless, she told her son:

> -Don’t you ever – _ever_ – talk about your father with such disrespect. You hear me?! I have never been so disappointed in you… And I mean it. So, now you would believe in gossip rather than your own family? I expected many in the village to turn on us, but I never thought my own son could be so easily manipulated. Come with me, and leave her alone. _Now_.

Yoshino stood at the top of the stairs, pointing down, and waited for her son to obey.

Shikamaru was lost, he did not understand what happened. What did he do to deserve this? He was only defending her, couldn’t she see that?! He gave one last furious look to Kaira, who still hadn’t spoken a word, then left.

Yoshino took her son to the other side of the house, opposite to Kaira. She wouldn’t be close to her for a while, but she trusted her to stay put. They were in Shikaku’s office. Besides the scrolls and the desk, there was a low table with cushions. The room was simple and sober, at his image. Yoshino closed the door behind Shikamaru once he got in. He talked first.

> -Mom, I don’t get it…
> 
> -Clearly you don’t. Tell me exactly what you think you were doing up there.
> 
> -I was defending you! Dad betrayed you, and then he brings home this girl and publicly humiliates you? It’s unforgivable! And don’t tell me I listen to gossip, because it was not a gossip I heard.
> 
> -Who exactly told you this?
> 
> -… No one told me anything, I heard it. It was at Choji’s yesterday. We overheard his parents and Inoichi talking. They talked about dad and a woman, her name was Kalina I think… They said dad cheated on you with her, then they talked about Kaira and said that… the timing fits.

Yoshino closed her eyes and sighed. She then sat on a cushion, and waited for Shikamaru to do the same.

> -Look, I know how it sounds like, but people have no idea what they are talking about. They know nothing. And if you had this sort of questions, you should have come to _us_. You should have trusted _us_. I thought you did…
> 
> -Of course I do! I am sorry I didn’t come to you but… It is just… They have known you guys forever, why would they lie?
> 
> -They didn’t lie. Kalina is Kaira’s mother, no doubt about that. Anyone our generation who knew her doesn’t need to look twice at Kaira to know who her mother is. She was quite memorable. And yes, she and your father had… history.
> 
> But Inoichi and the others are wrong. And they should keep their dirty mouths shut rather than speculating behind our backs.
> 
> -So, what are you saying? Dad and Kaira’s mother had an affair but Kaira is not… she is not my sister?
> 
> -Oh dear, of course she is not! What were you thinking? That your dad brought home his bastard daughter?! That would have been a whole other level of awkward.

Yoshino tried to laugh at the thought of this scenario, but her laugh was bitter. She couldn’t blame her son for believing them. The same thought crossed her mind the first time she saw Kaira, two nights ago, and she was ready to throw them both to the streets at the time. Until Shikaku came clean about his past, and she agreed to help him.

While his mother was laughing at his apparently silly belief, Shikamaru finally felt the lump in his throat melting away. He sighed in relief and laid down on the floor, exhausted by the turmoil of emotions he had felt since yesterday.

He had been pretty harsh with Kaira earlier, and hoped she would not be too pissed at him. However, he thought, she had not been completely honest with him, so it was only natural he would question her. At least that is what he hoped she would think. For now, he could finally breathe again, and he wanted to savour this feeling.

> -Thank the kamis! I am so sorry mom, you’re right, I should have come to you. What a relief…

He massaged his temples in an effort to ease the migraine that hit him, his mother still chucking strangely on the other side of the table. His thoughts now clearer, he asked:

> -So… what is it between them?

His mother stopped laughing to look at him.

> -Oh, I am afraid it is not my story to tell, Shikamaru. You should have that conversation with your father when he comes back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the two guests who left Kudos on the last chapter !
> 
> Please don't hesitate to leave comments and share your thoughts!!


	9. Day Three Part I

_The third night…_

Kaira went early to bed that evening. She couldn’t stand the sight of Shikamaru across the table at dinner, nor the tensed silence between them. How could he barge in, accuse her of something so horrible and not even apologize for it? She thought he knew her better. He deserved a good punch in the head, to put his ideas straight. But destroying Yoshino’s house was very different from destroying her son’s face, and Kaira assumed she would probably not be as understanding in the latter case. After the scene she made in the afternoon, Kaira had decided to put all her efforts into containing herself, so she escaped the dinner by claiming she was not hungry before trashing her full plate and going upstairs.

She tried to sleep without success, the throbbing pain in her hand keeping her awake, amongst other things. She tended to her wounds the day before, but some splinters were really deep in her skin and she judged the removal process too time consuming to do it thoroughly at the time.

However, the pain was really annoying now. She got up and went downstairs, sat at the dining table and took the time to use a healing jutsu to help her hand recover. It was not until late at night, or rather, early in the morning, that Shikaku came back. He looked exhausted, and let himself fall on the cushion opposite to Kaira.

-You up already?

-I was never asleep.

-That about yesterday afternoon? Told you already, don’t beat yourself up.

-That’s not it. Just that my hand is hurting and I couldn’t sleep.

Shikaku looked at her suspiciously. He rested his head in his hand, scrubbing his eyes with the other before asking:

-C’mon, saw you sleeping through worst. Spit it, what’s the rest?

-… We had a bit of a clash with your son. Shikamaru thought you were a cheating asshole and that I was his… sister.

-Did he? Dumb kid, could have just asked.

-You know, thinking of it, it’s actually your fault. You should have been straightforward with everyone in Konoha from the beginning.

-I already told you, if someone has a problem they can come talk to me, but I don’t owe anyone but my wife any explanation.

-Why are you being so stubborn?

Tsk, forget it. Just talk to him because I’m sure he won’t believe me.

-*sigh* fine, I will.

With a yawn, Shikaku offered the palm of his left hand to Kaira, while the right one was looking for something in his pockets.

-Give me your hand, he ordered.

Kaira did as he asked, offering her wounded hand, which Shikaku grabbed before he finally took out of his pouch (that’s where it was!), a little pot. Shikaku struggled to open it with one hand, then applied the ointment on her wounds.

-It’s a Nara secret medicine. Go back to bed and it should be better in a couple of hours.

- _You_ go to bed, you can barely keep your head straight. I’m fine.

-… ‘right. Just don’t go outside the compound on your own.

Shikaku then got up and slowly climbed the stairs to his bedroom. On her part, Kaira decided to go to his study to lay down and try to rest a bit. The presence of Shikamaru was too strong in this side of the house, and she couldn’t find it in herself to go back to her bed and feel him even closer. So close yes, and yet so far. Far on the other side of a bridge she destroyed all this time ago. She assumed that much already, but yesterday’s event only confirmed her fear.

“It’s not a bad thing” she thought. “If he hates me, it means he will move on. And I’ll stay where I am, watching from a distance.”

Kaira eventually fell asleep, dreaming of a long-lost past when happiness was still in her reach.

\---------------------

_Later this morning…_

-Takoyaki, since it is so important to you. But I really don’t care.

-Finally, we are getting somewhere!

Yoshino had been nagging Kaira since breakfast to get the name of a dish she liked. Why was it so important for her to cook something she liked? Kaira already felt more than satisfied having three meals a day, asking for a dish in particular seemed utterly rude in her opinion. But Yoshino just would not let it go.

Since Shikaku was still sleeping when they left, and Kaira had to oblige to a Nara sitter, she accompanied Yoshino to get fresh ingredients for the day, as she did for the last two days. This lunch would be the first meal they share all four of them, and Yoshino wanted to make everyone at ease. Kaira in particular, because she felt guilty of the way her son treated her the day before. Though Yoshino seemed excited at the perspective of a family meal, Kaira was nothing but anxious. Suddenly, Yoshino stopped her blabbering, then stared at Kaira, her eyes furrowed.

-Wait a minute… this is one of Shikaku’s favorite! Did you just try to trick me?!

-I like it too, it’s fine. Really, Kaira added, seeing the frown on Yoshino’s face.

It was silly, but she did not want her to do anything special for her, even cooking a stupid dish. After buying the ingredients off the market, Kaira started to head back to the house, but Yoshino called her out.

-We have one more stop, if you don’t mind!

Kaira walked back to Yoshino’s side, and followed her.

-The Yamanaka are living very close to here. The table could use some flowers, and I have a few things to talk about with them, it won’t be long.

-Ok, sure.

It will not be long indeed, Yoshino just wanted to give Inoichi a little piece of her mind. She felt outraged yesterday, when her son confessed where he got his delusions about his father. She did not care about the rest of the world, but their own friends talking in their backs? They deserved special treatment.

They eventually arrived in front of the shop, greeted by the wonderful smell of the flowers coming out of the open door.

-Kaira, would you mind waiting for me here, please? I would like some privacy.

-It’s not like I have a choice…

-That’s the spirit! I will see you in five minutes.

Yoshino then stepped into the shop, closing the door behind her.

Kaira laid against the hot wall of the shop. It was the middle of the day and the sun was very high, blinding her. She closed her eyes and crossed her arms, then waited. She vaguely wondered why buying flowers took so much time, before her thoughts drifted back to Shikamaru, making her stomach ache. Maybe because she was too preoccupied, she sensed a bit too late the presence of several people getting closer to her. Too close. She then realised they were surrounding her. As she opened her blinded eyes and put her hand above them to recover some sight, she sensed a hand going straight for her throat. She grabbed it too late, just when the fingers wrapped around her neck with strength. Another one came at her. This time she was ready. She kicked his guts with her right knee and punched the first one in the throat so he would let go of her.

The sun was blinding her and she could not distinguish any of them in front of her. Looking down to the ground, she noticed the very small shadow of her legs on the wall. She got an idea. She manipulated her shadow like Shikaku taught her, fuelled it with chakra and expanded it between the roofs to cover the street in shadows. Finally, she could see them.

They were ninjas of Konoha. At least a dozen of them. At first sight, most of them were high ranking ninjas, around Shikaku’s age.

-Did you see that? That’s proof! Said one of them.

-So she really is his bastard girl, eh?

Damn, she hated that word. She remained silent, gauging them while they talked. One of the men at the front was an ANBU. Kaira could feel he was the strongest one of them. From the way the others stayed at a distance from him, she deducted he was leading this assault. She focused all her attention on him. He felt her gaze and spoke.

-So, the rumors were true, he said. It’s like seeing Kalina back in the village.

-Tsk, more like a poor imitation. Kalina would not have been so easily startled, said another.

-What an asshole this Shikaku, one perfectly good wife was not enough for him eh?

-Don’t call him that.

How could these low lives dare to insult him? They knew nothing.

The ANBU ninja continued:

-We call it like we see it, bastard.

That word again. Her jaw clenched a bit from hearing it. They played it so cocky she thought, and yet they had to be a dozen jonin against one teenage girl for them to face her now.

-You should show more respect to your superiors, she told him.

-Shut your trap, brat. This jerk of Shikaku doesn’t deserve any respect from us.

-Actually, I was talking about me, she said with a wicked smile.

The men laughed, gauging her with their eyes and sensing her chakra.

-What do you think, guys? Personally, I am disappointed. I think the brat doesn’t look half the kunoichi her mother was, said one of them.

The comment made the group snigger, then the ANBU ninja raised his hand, instructing them to shut up, before he added:

-Doesn’t matter, half of Kalina is already too much. Particularly when the other half is a Nara bastard. Even back then, I knew Shikaku was hiding his game. Can’t believe he would get a fine woman like Yoshino only to humiliate her.

This forsaken word again.

Her anger was growing too fast, her chakra becoming more difficult to contain. Insulting her was one thing, but they had to stop insulting him. She had to keep her cool, or this could go really bad for them, and she couldn’t afford that. Better resolve this conflict as quick as possible.

-What do you want from me? She asked the ANBU one.

-It is simple really. 

He took one step forward, and Kaira reached for a kunai by her belt, only to realise she had no weapons on her. Part of her probation terms, which she momentarily forgot.

“Doesn’t matter” she thought. “My hands will be enough.”

She hid her mistake by casually putting her hand to her waist, as if she was waiting.

-Surrender or get the hell out of our village, demanded the ANBU.

-We want the same thing then, she replied. I am not exactly thrilled by my stay in Konoha either. The villagers are not very… heart-warming, you see?

For the surrender part, you can piss off.

The men around her started to reach for their weapons, not liking her tone. The ANBU one raised his hand to calm them again, before turning to Kaira.

-Stay out of our streets then. There are many ways in which we can hurt you. Don’t show your filthy bastard face in daylight ever again, or…

A twisted smirk appeared on each of their faces, chuckling, several of them doing obscene gestures.

At this, Kaira went berserk. She knew well how disgusting men could be, and she had a premium panel in front of her to teach a lesson to. Losing focus, her shadow jutsu dissipated when she grabbed the closest ninja by his throat and raised her fist, preparing her first assault.

-SON OF A-

-What’s going on here? Kaira, what are you doing?, asked Yoshino.

Yoshino and Inoichi, hearing the rampage outside, had come to the entrance of the shop and opened the door to a crowd of Konoha ninjas, one of them held by Kaira, her fist about to hit.

She lowered her arm and released the ninja.

-I was just showing them a move, she answered casually with a shrug.

She turned towards the ANBU, and added.

-So, do you understand now how one can defend themselves if such a situation happens?

It was a gamble, but she hoped he would play the game, for both their interests. Shikaku most probably outranked them, so Kaira bet that they would prefer he never knows what happened just now, for the sake of their careers.

-Hm, yeah I see. However, I am still pretty sure the opponent would have an advantage. There is strength in number, know what I mean?

-True. However, if the many altogether don’t account for the strength of the one, the one still wins…

They stared at each other in a heavy silence, until a puzzled Yoshino spoke.

-Uhm… Alright, I guess I am relieved you were not making any trouble Kaira. On these… wise words, we will leave now. Inoichi, send my regards to your wife, will you? I’d be happy to have some tea with her.

-Sure, I’ll let her know, he answered. And thank you for your visit, it was… enlightening.

-Of course it was. Come on Kaira, let’s go. Everyone, have a good day.

Yoshino led the way down the street, followed by Kaira, the men bowing to Yoshino and opening the way to let them through. Just before they reached the corner, Yoshino turned around.

-By the way gentlemen, if you need advice from a kunoichi twice younger than you, you should probably go back to training.

Leaving a flock of distraught men behind, they headed back to the Nara compound.

It seemed like Yoshino believed her story, and Kaira hoped it would be the end of it. She didn’t mention it on their way back, only talking about the takoyakis she was going to prepare and what would be best to accompany them.

When they arrived, they found Shikaku awake in the kitchen, drinking his tea.

-We’re home! Said Yoshino.

-Mornin’.

-Hey, said Kaira.

She put the groceries on the counter and went outside, after sensing Shikamaru was still in his bed. She went to the forest border to be in the shadows, but not so deep they wouldn’t be able to watch her, as usual.

Meanwhile, Yoshino started to put away the groceries, and waited for Kaira to be at the forest border before addressing her husband.

-Shikaku, started Yoshino, I need to tell you something. Two things, actually.

-Yes?

The tone in Yoshino’s voice made him worry.

-The first thing is about Shikamaru.

-Shikamaru? Ah yeah, Kaira told me earlier.

-Then you know you really need to talk to him. Yesterday when he came home he yelled at Kaira. Also, he was… disrespectful to you.

-That’s what I heard.

-Same as everyone, she continued, he thought you were Kaira’s father and he was furious at you both. It’s kind of sweet actually, but…

-Disappointing. That even him would think that.

-I felt the same… However, it is true that no one gave him an explanation. And with everything he heard around him, from our friends even, I understand his doubts. You should have a talk with him, he should learn these things from you first.

-Alright, I don’t have to go anywhere this afternoon so I’ll spend some time with him and clarify things.

What’s the second problem?

Yoshino hesitated, then decided to share her concern.

-Something happened this morning, in front of the Yamanaka’s house. I went in and asked Kaira if she could wait for me outside. She wouldn’t tell me the details but, we were talking with Inoichi, when we heard a lot of noise from outside and when we got out, Kaira was surrounded by a crowd and choking someone. It was ninjas of Konoha, several were our former classmates. They pretended they were talking about fighting techniques and Kaira demonstrated something, but it was clearly a lie. I don’t know what was going on but she seemed really angry.

-What do you think happened?

-… Like I said, everyone has been talking since she arrived. Maybe they insulted her or-

-Nah, she can take more than an insult. Anyway, I’ll talk to her and tell her to behave. Choking people around for whatever motive is not helping her case, he said with a yawn.

So now I have both kids to give a talk to?! What a drag…

-Well that’s what it means to be a parent…

-Yes yes… Shikamaru is still sleeping, so I’ll go talk to her now.

Shikaku finished his tea, kissed his wife and went outside, leaving Yoshino to prepare the lunch. Soon he joined Kaira by the border of the forest.

-Hey kid.

-Hey.

-Take a walk with me, will you?

-What for?

-For Yoshino is not as dumb as you think she is.

Kaira sighed.

-Do I have a choice?

-Not really, no.

Shikaku already went running in the forest, forcing Kaira to follow him so she wouldn’t lose him.

They reached a clearing in the forest where the deers were sleeping. Shikaku lowered the pace and they walked between them.

-They seem to like you, said Shikaku. See how peaceful they are right now?

-If you say so.

Kaira absentmindedly pet one of them who sniffed her and raised his head. If something did happen to her this morning, she was doing a hell of a job pretending otherwise, thought Shikaku. If he wanted to get anywhere he had to go straight to the point.

-So, you choke people around now?

Kaira shrugged, then answered casually:

-It was no big deal, I was just showing that in case of-

-Cut the crap, I don’t want to hear it. Did you have a good reason to attack him at least? Being impolite is not an acceptable reason, in case you are wondering.

-… Then I guess not, I didn’t have a good reason.

-Next time, just wish them a good day and leave. Nothing is worth the risk of jeopardizing your case with the council.

They kept walking, Shikaku petting some of the deers on their way. He was making mental notes of the ones he could use for the medicines he was making.

Kaira was relieved that Shikaku didn’t ask for more details. She didn’t want him to worry about her any more than he already did. However, she would rather avoid the situation altogether rather than seeing those jerks again and be polite.

-Maybe I should just stay here, hidden away, where no one can see or talk to me.

-Don’t be ridiculous.

-Why not? Isn’t it what we’ve been doing so far? Hiding your dirty little secret away? Why does it bother you now, if I stay hidden or live in plain sight?

Shikaku turned around to look at her. Damned her poker face, he couldn’t tell what she was feeling right now. Was she upset? Or simply pragmatic?

-Don’t say that. First of all, you’re not a dirty little secret. Secondly, you’re wrong, it always bothered me. It’s just… It was complicated, you know why you had to stay hidden.

He couldn’t see any reaction from her. This was not a good sign. He continued.

-It was best for you, at the moment. Now, well, we don’t have a choice anymore. It’s like you said a couple nights ago. There is no going back now. So try to make the best of it. Give the villagers a chance. You can also go around the compound and meet the rest of the clan, I am sure they will welcome you.

-Of course they will, you’re the head of their clan, mumbled Kaira.

-Just try not to choke any more people, ok? Let them talk, who cares.

-*sigh* I’ll do my best. But honestly, I would rather just stay with the deers.

Shikaku laughed at this and since he was starving, they headed back to the house.

“Stupid Shikaku” she thought. “I could never let anyone talk trash about you.”

Up until now, it was an agreement between them that she should not enter the village or be seen by anyone. She never had a problem with it, and yet she broke that rule by taking this stupid mission. And what for? For walking the same streets as the guy who hates her? For seeing what he sees, for smelling what he smells? For tasting his life? Initially, she forbade herself from even catching a glimpse of him. And now they were staying in the same house, and he hated her more than ever.

On their way back to the house, she reminisced what happened last evening, and her heart ached. She expected Shikamaru’s hatred, and thought she was ready for anything he could throw at her. However, all the scenarios she ran in her head, of them meeting again, never amounted to the actual pain it would cause her. She thought the last two years were punishment enough, and she would be ready to face his hatred of her now.

Two years, she forbade herself from reaching out to him. Two years, she suffered in silence, while Shikaku confided in her about the reckless behaviour of his depressive son. She knew the feeling too well, and the role she had in putting her loved one in this state haunted her every day. That love tore her apart, forcing her to fight against her imperious need to run to his side and comfort him. Indeed, for his own sake, she had to stay away. She broke him enough already.

Despite all this time of preparation, of restraint, the tone of his voice when he came to her last evening put a strain on her heart that wouldn’t go away. Her memories of him were of a compassionate, forgiving and loving man. The certainty of his love for her had been the most difficult feeling to overcome. That certainty maintained her selfish hope during all this time. A hope, that this love still existed somewhere, despite all the wrong she did. That hope was her personal demon, taunting her every time she saw a mission near Konoha. It was the fault of that hope, if she was not prepared for the reality she saw last evening.

She had to face the facts : there was nothing left of what he felt for her back then. Everything in him screamed his hatred of her last evening. The tenderness of his eyes that she remembered was replaced by anger. The softness and warmth of his voice left their place to disgust. When she realised this, listening to his accusations, she had been so hurt that the pain had left her speechless and sick to her stomach. As soon as Yoshino and Shikamaru had left the floor yesterday, she had run to the bathroom to throw up. Really, she was not ready for that.

Truthfully, she was not ready to see, talk or share a meal with him either. And yet, she had to. The closer they got to the house and to the upcoming lunch, the more she wished she had never taken this stupid mission. Hoping from a distance truly was much better than having to face reality. She wished she could forget that look on his face, and only remember the boy who made her feel loved.

Worried by her silence, Shikaku asked when they reached the forest border in front of the house.

-What are you so thoughtful about? Is it something they told you this morning?

The question abruptly brought her out of her thinking, and she answered confusedly.

-What? Of course not. I have more important things in mind than the stupidity of some Konoha drunkards.

-Ok, fine. I was just wondering what made you so gloom.

-That’s my face, you should know that, she answered sharply.

Seeing a way out of her current situation, she gave it a chance:

-Besides, I am not exactly looking forward to sharing a meal with the guy who basically accused me of being a home breaker. I don’t think he wants to see me either. You know what? To make things easier, maybe I could just eat my plate in your study, or –

-If he’s too shameful to see you, he’ll just have to suck it up. And you’re not getting out of this either, young lady. You two will have to face each other eventually, better sooner than later.

If he only knew how right he was…

\-----------------------

After the last restless two days, Shikamaru slept like a baby last night. He still had countless of questions without answers, but it could wait.

She was not his sister. Knowing that, anything could wait now.

His father never came home for dinner last night, so Shikamaru hadn’t have the chance to talk with him yet. The dinner last evening had been quite awkward, the three of them eating in silence. After the scene Shikamaru made with Kaira, in front of his mother no less, he could not even look at her. He could feel her gaze on him sometimes, but he never looked up. His mother wanted him to apologize to her, but he refused categorically. Why would he apologize? True, he shouldn’t have accused her of presumably hiding they were relatives, but he had plenty of other reasons to be mad at her. First of all, she dumped him on a piece of paper without any explanation. Also, she never told him she knew his dad, meaning she also never told him she knew who he was from the beginning.

Kaira on her part, did not reply to any of it. Not to Shikamaru’s accusations earlier, and not to his mother apologizing for him. Not one word about any of this. She barely touched her plate, before thanking his mother and then went up to her bedroom. The Kaira he knew would have knock him out where he stood for yelling at her with no good reason. Or for yelling at her, period. This lack of reaction worried him. Either she did not care enough to get pissed at him anymore, or she was furious. Either way, he did not like it. Shikamaru had followed shortly after that, promising his mother he would have a proper talk with his father later.

Shikamaru had been very careful not to look in the direction of the inexistent door when he went upstairs, but he could swear that when he opened his door, he felt a chill in his spine.

Needless to say, the distress he felt over what he thought was a life-changing revelation, was for naught. The exhaustion that came from the relief knocked him over for the entire night and the greater part of this morning. It was almost noon when he finally woke up. He carefully opened his bedroom and took a peek to the other side of the hallway. Thankfully, Kaira was gone. He proceeded similarly when he went down the stairs, making sure she was nowhere around before entering the room. He only found his mother in the kitchen, busy preparing them lunch.

-Good morning sweetie. After what happened I thought you might need a good night of sleep so we didn’t wake you.

She said before adding, eyes narrowed and a menacing spatula pointed at him:

-Don’t even think of making it a habit though!

-Haha, sure mom. Do you know where I can find dad?

-Kaira and him just went into the woods. Something happened this morning and… Well, I asked your father to talk to her. It shouldn’t be too long I guess, and it is almost lunch time anyway.

“Something happened with Kaira?” thought Shikamaru.

-Is everything alright?, he asked. What happened?

-Nothing important, she quickly answered.

Since you’re up, would you please help set up the table?

-Sure, said a doubtful Shikamaru.

His mother clearly had no intention of telling him what happened. Since he obviously couldn’t go straight to the source either, he classified this problem in the unsolvable category and stopped thinking about it.

When Shikamaru went to the cupboard to take the plates, it hit him. It was the first time they would have lunch all four of them, and he would have to face her again in a few minutes.

It was way too early in the day to deal with this! Plus, Kaira had an entire night to plot how she would make him pay for his lack of judgement. He dreaded to think what sentence she could have come up with…

Or maybe, none of it mattered to her? She did not say anything yesterday after all. No yelling, no insult, no punches, just… indifference? That was worse than anything else, he thought. He would rather suffer her wrath than knowing she doesn’t care enough to be mad.

He took a deep breath and calmed himself. There was no point making any assumption about how she felt, he will know soon enough. While setting up the table, he made an effort to focus his thoughts on the upcoming talk with his father instead. He made a list of all the questions he had for him. How long had he known Kaira? What was his relationship to her mother? Why did he end up taking care of her and not her own father? And so on.

It was not long until the two people in question entered the kitchen from the courtyard. Shikamaru was helping his mother setting up the dishes on the table when he heard his father.

-Hello sleepy head. I came back from work at the end of the night and I have been awake for over an hour, what’s your excuse for not getting up until now?

-Hi dad…

Shikamaru ignored his father’s snarky comment and took his seat. The old man had plenty of excuses to explain to him as well.

-Leave him alone for today Shikaku, said Yoshino. I think we all need to relax a bit around this house, don’t you? A lot happened lately. Kaira, why don’t you sit here in front of Shikamaru, hm?

He heard light footsteps, followed by the rustle of cloth accompanying someone sitting down. With a gulp, Shikamaru looked up in front of him. Kaira was taking her seat, carefully avoiding his gaze. He found himself staring at her, incapable of looking away. She was looking down, her hands holding onto the border of the table, waiting. He heard some noises and his parents talking, but they were far, far away. Every sound was muffled. He only saw her. He watched out, for any sign. Anything, that would tell him if she still cared at all. If only she would look at him! For sure, he would know then. There was a time when he used to read those eyes, back when the sound of her voice was still a hidden treasure to him.

Eventually -yes it was subtle, but- he saw her swallowing difficultly. Then her hands clenched for just a second, gripping the table. Her chest raised from the deep breath she took. Her lips were tightly sealed together. Slowly, her chin raised, and she finally looked up, until their eyes met. 

This mutual stare was nothing like the last evening. Devoid of the anger that inhabited him yesterday, he was actually seeing her now. He was struck by the sadness in her eyes. And that stern determination that always animated her. As if she had resigned herself to never feel happiness. This look was much like the one she had when he first met her. As he did the first time he saw this pain in her eyes, he could not stop himself from thinking “I have to make it go away”.

And just like that, in the bat of an eye, he was back where he started. Momentarily, he forgot everything that happened. He forgot how hurt he was and he forgot his anger. The only thing that mattered to him was her pain, and it was his duty to destroy it. It was his purpose to bring a smile on that face. He had to tell her that, she had to know.

Just as he was about to speak…

-Shikamaru, what do you think you’re doing?

It was Shikaku. He was seated next to Kaira, looking at his son with an eyebrow raised questioningly.

-By the kamis Shikamaru, let the girl go!

Only then, he understood the concern in his parents’ voice. Without realising it, he had gotten up and reached out to Kaira across the table, grabbing her wrist with one hand, the other taking support on the table. She was looking at him, surprised. However, she did not free herself from his grasp. He released her and sat back on his cushion, embarrassed.

-I am sorry, I don’t know what got into me…

-Seriously Shikamaru, said his mother. As if yesterday was not enough!

-I am fine Yoshino-san, added Kaira. Let’s just forget about it.

-Still-

-She said she’s fine, Shikaku intervened. Let’s eat the delicious meal you prepared, ok?

Yoshino gave up the argument and went to fetch the main dish, not without giving a questioning look at her son. Meanwhile, Shikamaru risked another look at Kaira, and was greeted by beautiful, questioning emerald eyes. As soon as their eyes met, Kaira blushed slightly and looked away. Now, what was that, Shikamaru wondered…

Yoshino came back and put her pot on the table before announcing:

-Takoyaki! I thought eating something everybody loves will make us all at ease. Enjoy!

-Thanks mom, this looks great.

Happy with herself, Yoshino served Kaira first then the rest of them, and waited for the remaining appraisals. Shikaku spoke next:

-Erm, thanks, you know how much I love it of course. But just so you know, for the future, Kaira- hmpf!

-It is delicious, Kaira said loudly, thank you very much!

Shikaku gave Kaira a deadly stare while he was massaging in silence his leg, recovering from the shock she gave him under the table. They enjoyed the meal in a good mood, Yoshino doing most of the talk, discussing news in the clan, the village, and asking Shikamaru a ton of questions about his friends and his work. When they were done, Kaira excused herself to go upstairs, but Shikaku interrupted her.

-Could you just stay a bit longer? I’d like to say something, it won’t be long.

She sat back down and accepted the tea Yoshino offered. Shikamaru had noticed all the effort Kaira put into avoiding him the entire lunch, and he bet she only wanted to get as far away as possible now. After the embarrassment from earlier, he had to admit he wished he could disappear too.

-So, I have got a couple of things to say. The first one is for you Shikamaru. I am keeping my afternoon clear so I can put some good sense into your head. We’ll talk after we are done here.

Shikamaru nodded. He almost forgot that talk…

-Second, I wanted to let you know I won’t be home much for the rest of the week, or coming back late. The case is taking most of our resources and a lot of diplomatic meetings. By the way Shikamaru, I thought you would like to know : Temari will be part of the delegation of the Sand. We’ll discuss the details later with the Hokage, but since you’ve been assigned to the diplomatic meetings with the different Nations, you’ll get to see her quite a bit…

Again, Shikamaru nodded. He partially expected to be part of the meetings soon. It was not surprising that he would get this assignment, given his previous experience with Konoha diplomacy. However, seeing the smirk on his father’s face, he wondered if he had nothing to do with it. To be honest, the perspective of seeing Temari while Kaira was here made Shikamary uneasy. He prayed she wouldn’t see his blush, nor Shikaku’s smirk. But since she was resolutely looking at her cup of tea since his father mentioned Temari, he had no clue.

-Third, is related to my number one. I don’t like what happened yesterday between you two kids. I hope this afternoon will make things clearer for you Shikamaru, but that’s not enough. I don’t want fights in this house, or yelling at each other for no reason. You are both part of my life and I would like you to get along. So I thought, if you two knew each other better, it would not have happened.

“Where the hell are you going with this, old man?” thought Kaira.

“Oh no, please don’t say it…” prayed Shikamaru.

-Which is why, I want you two to spend all day tomorrow together.

-ALL DAY?! Exclaimed Kaira and Shikamaru at the same time.

-Yes, all day. Shikamaru, your assignment won’t start until the day after tomorrow, after that you will be busy with work, so it is the only day you two can spend some quality time together. And you Kaira, well… it’s not like you have anything better to do at the moment.

-You must be kidding me ! Exclaimed Kaira. Is it some kind of punishment about this morning? Seriously, it was nothing! I would rather spend the day here with Yoshino.

“Really?” thought Shikamaru, pissed. “Is it so bad to spend the day with me, that you think it’s more punishment than spending it with my _mother_?!”

-If there’s anyone being punished here, I am, retorted Shikamaru. I know I messed up yesterday, that’s why we’re gonna talk, but why do I get stuck with her all day?! I have a life you know, did it occur to you that I could have something else planned?

The two of them arguing so vehemently against his idea pissed Shikaku off. Seriously, what was wrong with them? They were two smart brats of the same age, surely they could survive one day together! Hell, why was it _his_ problem what they wanted?!

-Hey, shut up, both of you!, Shikaku yelled. Since when is it a democracy here? You both live here, so you’ll do as I say and get off my back! I have enough strong headed dumbasses to deal with at work, I don’t need them at home! Got it?! If you have things planned in your _so_ busy social life Shikamaru, then just take Kaira with you.

Now, both of you, can you at least promise you will _try_ to get to know each other? Seriously, I know you both and I don’t see any reason why you couldn’t get along!

“If he only knew…” thought both of Kaira and Shikamaru.

-Tsk fine, _jerk_ , you win!, said Kaira. Now if you would allow me, sir, I’ll be out training, unless I need a leash for that?!

Kaira got up so quickly she almost tipped the table over. After one quick glance at Shikamaru, she rushed out to the courtyard and began to set up the area for training.

She looked more pissed than anything. Shikamaru, on his part, was conflicted between annoyance and terror. He did not appreciate being forced to spend the day with her. True, they had plenty to discuss, but he wanted to do it on his own terms, when he would be ready to face her without breaking down. To his surprise, seeing her leave the room in such a rush just now woke up all his insecurities. How could such an insignificant thing trigger these thoughts? The question came back to haunt him. Why? Why did she leave him? He feared that a full day with her would trigger a crisis he wouldn’t come back from. How stupid was he to think he was over her just a few days ago?

-Shikamaru, are you ready? Asked his father.

-What?! What do you mean?, asked a confused Shikamaru.

-Our talk, kid. Don’t you have some questions you want to ask me?

-Ah! Yes, of course, answered Shikamaru, chasing away his bad thoughts.

-Then let’s go somewhere else. Follow me.

Shikaku got up, followed by Shikamaru, before he turned around :

-By the way Yoshino, thank you for this delicious meal. Did Kaira tell you to cook this?

-Hm, she nodded. I asked her what dish she liked, I thought it would make her feel more comfortable.

-… Thanks, I really appreciate all your efforts.

He turned back to head out of the house, when he heard Yoshino adding:

-She hates takoyaki, doesn’t she?

Shikaku scratched the back of his head and answered with an awkward smile:

-Haha well… anything that has octopus in it, actually.

Husband and son left Yoshino back to her dishes, scrubbing furiously while mumbling things that sounded like “…knew it!! … tricked me!!”. They headed out, past Kaira who was training her taijutsu and didn’t pay them any attention, and they entered the forest.

-Follow me son, I am taking you somewhere special. It may take a while.

-Why don’t we just talk here? This way we won’t lose time.

-… Maybe I need this time. Just follow me. I promise I’ll answer all your questions when we get there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys,  
> I am very sorry it took me so long to post this, I think I rewrote it like 5 times, because I was never happy with it, and I was/am having hesitations about the directions to take next !
> 
> I hope you will like how it turned out in the end!  
> Please don't hesitate to leave comments, I would be very happy to have your feedback =)


	10. Day Three Part II

Shikaku lead his son through the forest for what felt like ages. And yes, maybe he took more detours than necessary to get there, but he needed the extra time. It had been hard enough already, to reminisce all he was about to tell his son, when he told the same story to his wife a couple nights ago. But at least, he didn’t have to explain who was Kaira’s mother to Yoshino.

For Shikamaru, he will need to start from the very beginning. And so, to where it all begun they needed to go.

Finally, they reached a clearing, at the border of a plateau, towering over the village.

Coming out of the forest, looking upon the ruins of an ancient civilization, everything was exactly as Shikaku remembered it. He had not come here for many years, and though green moss and twigs and leaves covered the remnants of the building, it looked as if the place was magically protected from further invasion from the trees. Just as it was, over twenty years ago.

-Mystical, isn’t it?, he said to his son.

Shikamaru was agape, muted by the beauty of the scenery. They were in an ancient part of the forest, which he had no idea existed. Neither did he imagine such ruins were laying up here. The architecture of the crumbled building was foreign to him, and he would have been incapable of giving an age to this place. By the size he could estimate from the remaining walls, the building must have been massive. Giant columns had pierced the walls when they collapsed, leaving huge cylinders of rock scattered around what seemed like the hall, and outside the edifice. At the end of the hall was a broken rectangular rock, which could have been an altar. He figured this place must have been a temple to some ancient divinity, maybe a hundred meters high back then. The roof had fallen centuries ago probably, and the ruins were bathed by the sunlight piercing from the high sentient trees on the north side. Moving into the ruins, he turned around and looked south. From up there, the plateau offered a breath-taking panorama of the village, the mountain bearing the sculpted faces of all the former Hokage guarding it. From there, the construction work on the outskirt of Konoha was a striking contrast with the smaller village he grew up in.

-One day, said his father who had come to his side, we will probably call the village as we knew it “the Old Konoha”. Seeing this certainly does not make me feel any younger.

Shikamaru nodded in agreement. Things had changed so quickly since the war he did not even realise it until now. Standing in this mystical place, he tried his hardest to engrave in his head the memories of his childhood village, fading away day after day, building after building.

Shikaku gave his son a moment of silence. He imagined well how he felt right now, in this place, looking at this view. He understood his silence. He felt the same every time he came up here back then. So long ago he had forgotten how it felt. This place had always steered up emotions in him he was not aware he even had.

After a minute, he put his hand on Shikamaru’s shoulder, a gentle way to ask for his attention. He walked to one of the crumbled columns to sit, facing the shattered altar. Shikamaru sat by his side.

-This place is… it’s like a dream, said Shikamaru. I am glad you showed it to me, but, why are we here?

-Because, said Shikaku, this is where I feel closer to her. To tell you this story, I thought it was appropriate to bring you here. Tell me, have you ever noticed before, the path we took to come here?

Shikamaru took a moment to remember which path they took. When he thought about it, he remembered he had been surprised when suddenly his father took him on a path he did not know, though he was convinced he knew the Nara forest by heart.

-No, he answered, I didn’t recall such a path existed honestly. I had no idea the forest went all the way here.

-It was the same for me, said Shikaku nodding in agreement. Until He showed it to me. I think this place is protected, and you can only find it when He allows you to.

-Who’s he?

-I don’t know for sure, but I have a theory. Would you believe me if I said it was the God of the forest that led me here?

-Probably not, chuckled Shikamaru.

-Well, he did, said Shikaku seriously. One day, when I was still a young chuunin and training in our forest, I saw the kingliest deer I had ever seen. I don’t know why, but when he ran away, I felt compelled to follow him. I followed him endlessly. Every time I thought I had lost him, he was waiting for me, before running away further. He took me through the forest, through paths I had never seen before, and he led me here.

When I came out of the forest, like we just did, he looked at me, before turning his head to this altar in front of us. What I saw when I looked, I will never forget. It is engraved in my memory forever. Believe me or not, but when I looked at the shrine, I met the God of the forest Himself. A gigantic deer, his fur was shining like gold, and his endless woods were meters high. He was laying as if he was sleeping, taking the entire space over there. I was so mesmerized I even forgot to breathe. When I did, it woke him up. He opened his eyes and looked at me. I could feel how powerful he was, and his stare was piercing through me. I was paralyzed. Never in my life have I ever felt… judged, like this.

He must have deemed me worthy, for after a while, the tension faded away. He stopped staring at me, and he raised his head, revealing to me what he was guarding.

There, I saw the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. It felt as if Time itself had stopped. She was magnificent, asleep against His golden flank, her long dark hair cascading in front of her chest, her fair skin glowing in the sunlight. She was a vision.

Come to think of it, said Shikaku with a soft smile, I believe I fell for her before she even opened her eyes.

At this, Shikaku marked a pause and Shikamaru looked away from the altar and to his father. Was he really talking about who he thought it was?

Feeling the silent question of his son, Shikaku looked at him.

-Yes, this is how I met her. Kalina.

Seeing the sadness in his father’s eyes, Shikamaru guarded himself from making any comment. As unbelievable as his story sounded, it had to be the truth.

-You know, continued Shikaku, now staring at his joined hands in front of him, I have never shared this story with anyone. I am not even sure why I am telling you know, but it felt like I had to tell this.

Shikamaru nodded in silence, encouraging his father to continue.

-After seeing her, I started walking towards them. I was a few steps away when she opened her eyes. She had stunning green eyes, with brown freckles. When she saw me, she tried to speak. “Help me…” she managed to say, before she collapsed on the ground. As I ran towards her, the God of the forest got up and started walking away. I took her in my arms, and He turned around, giving me one last look. I promised I would look after her, and then, He disappeared in the forest.

I don’t know how, but I got outside the forest in a few minutes, while it took me forever to get here. I carried her as fast as I could to the hospital. She was barely breathing. She was famished, exhausted, and sick with fever. Later, the doctors told me that if I hadn’t found her, she wouldn’t have made it through the night.

-It is an incredible story dad… said Shikamaru, a bit doubtful.

-You don’t believe me, stated Shikaku. It’s okay, I understand. It took me a while to believe it myself. Now, I believe that He meant for me to find her. He showed me the way so I could save her life. I believe that something greater than me, or any of us, wanted her to live that day, putting her on my path so she could be a part of my life. Or me a part of hers.

-So… what happened after that? Is that when you dated?

-Oh no, we were too young for that. But we immediately connected, and she became my best friend very quickly. After she recovered in the hospital, she told her story to the council and sought asylum in Konoha. She had just become an orphan, and she had nowhere to go. They granted her wish, and in return she offered her skills to the village. She was an extremely talented kunoichi. Very quickly, she established herself as the strongest one of us young recruits, and the village was grateful for all her help on missions and protecting the village. She became essential to the defence of Konoha. So much, that the council even gave her citizenship when she got fifteen.

-Citizenship?!, asked Shikamaru. Then, does that mean that Kaira is?..

-Don’t tell her that if you wanna live to see another day. No, Kaira is not a citizen of the village.

-How come, if her mother was…

-Things are more complicated than that. Part of why the council is not so happy about having her here.

-What happened then? Why would her child not be able to have citizenship as well? It never happens. Well, unless of course someone was banished, but I have never read in any records Konoha doing this.

-Have you ever read in a record Itachi Uchiha being banished?

-Uhm.. no I don’t think so.

-And, was he not?

-Well he had a kill on sight order on him. Oh… I see. There was no trace of it anywhere, said Shikamaru.

-Yes, our council has a special way to handle these things. For them, banishing means erasing every possible trace of your existence. Have you ever read any report about Kalina Tsuki in the archives?

Shikamaru nodded his head no.

-Even though she accomplished great things for the village. She had been key in winning essential battles that saved our village from extinction during the war. She turned the tide in our favour countless times. Everyone admired and respected her.

-What happened then?! Asked again Shikamaru.

Suddenly, Shikaku frowned, his hands clenched. He seemed upset.

-… I am not sure. One day, she left on an important long-term mission. And never came back.

-… What did the search party find?

-There was no search party, said Shikaku darkly.

-Huh? What do you mean? It’s protocol, a shinobi doesn’t come back from mission we send-

-I know what is the protocol. I am telling you, there was no search party. No one looked for her, except me. I almost got banished myself for it.

-It doesn’t make any sense… If she was so important to the village, why not look for her?

-Why not indeed? That’s the question I have been asking myself ever since. I don’t know what, or why, or how it happened, but when she went missing, the council made an announcement to the village. They gathered everyone, and said that Kalina was a traitor and an enemy of Konoha. The Hokage himself didn’t defend her, even though he had always been on her side. They said she had compromised the security of the village, selling information to the enemy, and thus she was not coming back. They declared that from now on, we shall not speak of her again. That her name shall not be pronounced. That the life she led in the village shall be erased. That her accomplishments shall be forgotten. That she had never been one of us.

Shikaku closed his eyes, breathing deeply. All those years had passed and yet his anger had not faded. It was so unfair, so unbelievable. Unforgivable.

-I had no idea they could do that, said Shikamaru… I cannot imagine them asking such a thing to the village now. People would never accept it.

-… indeed, perhaps your generation wouldn’t. But that’s what happened.

\- I am guessing you never believed it?, asked Shikamaru.

-Of course not, answered Shikaku sharply. It was simply impossible. Kalina was no traitor, she would have given everything to protect Konoha. It was her home. We were her family. She was the most devout shinobi. And… she was my best friend. I knew her. I knew it couldn’t be true.

-So you looked for her, declared Shikamaru.

-Yes, I did. Against all the orders we received. The way we parted before she left… I couldn’t let it be our last talk. It couldn’t be the way we said goodbye. I looked for her for over a year, using every opportunity I had outside the village to ask people if anyone knew of her whereabouts. Until finally, one day, at the border of the Land of Lightning, I passed by a small village on a mission. When I gave her description, someone seemed to have recognized her. An old woman. She told me a story – actually, it sounded more like a myth - about an ancient and powerful clan living up in the mountains, hidden from society. A matriarchal clan, led by the most beautiful and strong women of the world, for generations and generations. I was getting ready to explore this myth, when I received a message from the village that made me run home.

-Huh?! What was it?, asked Shikamaru, drinking his father’s words. What could have been more important than finding her?

Shikaku turned to face his son, then smiled.

-You. The messenger said Yoshino’s pregnancy was getting worse, and she would have to go into forced labor soon, for both your health. So I ran home.

And indeed, she was in labor when I arrived. She threatened me for hours about the consequences I would have suffered if I hadn’t been there in time, joked Shikaku.

When we got home, he continued in a sadder tone, I told Yoshino about what the old lady said, and that maybe that clan was Kalina’s. But your mother was sick of it. She asked me to make a choice. I could continue chasing after a ghost, following an umpteenth false track and miss out on my real family; in which case she had no need of me, she added… or I could choose to live my life with you both, as it was meant to be. I chose the latter, and let Kalina go.

Shikaku then shut up. So many questions were turning in Shikamaru’s head, he didn’t know where to start. He tried to respect his father’s silence, as he seemed deep in thoughts, but eventually started to ask :

-You said you couldn’t let it be the way you said goodbye, that’s why you had to find her. What do you mean by that?

Shikaku sighed deeply, thinking about how to answer his son.

-Well… we had a huge argument. A really big fight, just before she went on mission. How we reached that fight is a bit of a long story… As you know, we had… history, she and I. And things were never simple with her. First of all, suddenly said Shikaku with great severity, remember that I love your mother, that’s not even a question. But I have a past too, and I would appreciate if you could forgive me for that and not be too hasty in judging me.

As I said, I think I fell in love with Kalina from the moment I saw her. Kalina was my first... well, my first everything. My first love, my first kiss, my first heartbreak… And most importantly, she was my best friend. She was my soulmate. No matter what happened, she will always be in my heart. Again, it doesn’t mean I don’t love your mother, I do, it just means that… I cannot help the place she occupied in me, and will always do. Having her in my life changed me. It made me who I am, for the better and for the worst. And trust me, Kalina was not an easy person to love…

She was a wild, free spirit. She was so many things that I was not, and that I wanted to be. I think that was one of the reasons I was drawn to her. We were complementary in our oppositions, and yet she understood me in ways no one could. She had her own place in the village, but she spent most of her time and nights at the Nara compound. For years we spent almost every hour of every day together. My mother loved having her around, she always wanted a daughter you see? She used to say that Kalina brought spirit to the house.

My father on the other hand… well, he was not a big fan of hers. He respected her because of her strength, but he disapproved of her behaviour and our friendship. I don’t know how many times we argued about it. One day, I was maybe around your age back then, he even told me “You should cut yourself from that girl, while you still can. Don’t you see she will never give you what you need? She will only bring you pain and misery.” I defended her of course, told the old man to mind his own business, that he didn’t know her like I did, and that I couldn’t care less what he thought… Then he left on his last mission. This conversation was the last one we ever had.

Shikamaru was thoughtful, his father rarely spoke of his grandfather. His mother told him once that they had a complicated relationship, and it was difficult for his dad to talk about him. Things that were said and regretted, she said.

-Anyway, continued Shikaku, after the funeral, Kalina was a huge support to me. She helped me get through my grief, and we grew even closer. I really thought she was the one, so one day I decided to tell her I loved her. In the end I didn’t because… well, reality caught up with me and I realised it would never work.

Shikaku thought his son didn’t need to know all the details. It was a strange period of his life that he did not particularly want to share. A period of grief and anger, tainted by the comforting haze of sex, alcohol, and the sweet bitterness that was his relationship with Kalina. He remembered better than he wanted to admit, the stolen kisses behind crowded bars. The nights of love under the moonlight. The warmth of her body against his. The grasp of her hand in his hair. Her comforting words in his drunken sorrow. How naïve had he been back then, to think she could be his future. But then, maybe it was unfair of him to have placed such unrealistic expectations on her shoulders. Had he truly loved her, he would have known he was in love with a dream. He was devastated really, when he realised she had been sharing her nights with others but him. She was a flirtatious thing, always been, but foolishly enough he thought she had come to prefer his company above all others. When he realised how wrong he had been, he could not even find it in himself to blame her. He was too honest for that. No, the blame was on him. She had always been true to herself, free of boundaries and restrictions, he was the one who chose to turn a blind eye out of convenience.

Once he opened his eyes to the truth, he finally understood what his father tried to tell him. Kalina would have never given him what he wanted. What he admired the most in her, made him equally miserable. Her freedom and lack of restraint, which he envied so much, made him die of jealousy for years. No, Kalina would never be what he wanted her to be. Or rather, what he needed her to be. She was a free spirit that he wanted to put in a cage, this was no way to love someone. She would never change, and he had wasted years of my life, yearning for her to become something she wasn’t.

-Once I realised that, continued Shikaku, our relationship changed dramatically. I put some boundaries between us and did my best to move on.

Oh yes, how furious she had been, the first time he pushed her away. In her defence, she was not used to rejection. Why would anyone ever reject her after all? But he did, for his own sake, and she did not appreciate it. He would be lying to himself, if he said he never had the weakness to occasionally gave in, but most of the time he forbade this kind of intimacy between them, claiming that since they were friends, they should just be friends.

-Eventually, he continued with a soft smile, I was sent on a mission with another peculiar kunoichi, and I finally figured out what I wanted in my life...

As you know, I knew Yoshino from the academy, but we had never really bonded as kids. We learnt to know each other as adults, and started dating after some time. Kalina and Yoshino actually got along pretty well, it was a relief honestly. They liked to gang up against me to make fun of me… and eventually, one thing led to another, and I decided to propose. Kalina was my best friend so, naturally, I first ran by her the scenario I had planned. She approved of it, and I proposed. Yoshino said yes, and we got engaged. Everything seemed to go perfectly well in our lives.

Then one day, Kalina asks me to meet up in the park. We start chatting and then she says she just got assigned a big mission, and she will be away for several months. She said she wanted to use her remaining hours in the village as best as she could.

I said I was flattered she would want to spend them with her best friend rather than her “flavour of the moment”, and…

Shikaku choked on the words, unable to repeat what happened then out loud. How funny, he thought, that the memory of what she said and did to him never lost its bitterness after all these years.

He remembered all of it perfectly. How she got closer to him, before wrapping her arms around his neck, whispered in his ear “I only have one favourite flavour…”, and kissed him deeply. As soon as he recovered from his surprise, he promptly pushed her away. But it was too late, the damage was done. By the time he heard the rustle from the street and looked up, Yoshino had already started running away. He had no idea why she was there, or for how long. He called out to her, but when he started going after her, Kalina grabbed his arm to stop him. “Let her go”, she said, “she had to learn it one way or another. Now it’s done, you’re welcome!”

When he told her he didn’t understand, and asked her why she would do this to him, she laughed at him. “Shikaku, she said, be honest, you were only dating her to spite me because you were jealous. I get it, and it totally worked so, congrats on that. But this engagement thing? Come on, you can’t be serious. That’s taking things a bit too far, don’t you think? So I did her a favour by showing her what reality looks like”.

He had always found it in himself to forgive her before, for all the things she did that hurt him, whether she meant for it or not. But this was different. With no regards for what it would do to him, she had orchestrated this whole evening just to hurt Yoshino. She, his best friend, had used him to hurt the woman he loved. And that, he could not forgive.

-Dad? Are you okay?, asked Shikamaru, bringing Shikaku back to the moment.

-Uh? Ah, yes, sorry, said Shikaku, realising he had been silent for a while.

To make it short, continued Shikaku, Kalina had planned the whole evening to make sure Yoshino would see me with her, and when the time was right, she kissed me, right in front of her. By the way, this event is probably what prompted my so-called friends to think I cheated on my wife. Hence how you got the wrong idea about Kaira. You can’t imagine the damage Kalina did to our engagement that night…

Anyway… As you can imagine, I was beyond furious. I couldn’t believe she had done that. She was mischevious, but this, it was downright cruel. Then we got into a huge fight. I told her she had no right, and I had all intentions of marrying Yoshino. Kalina said I would regret it for the rest of my life… So I punched her, and we started fighting. She was stronger than me of course, and put me to the ground. She left me with a couple of broken ribs, saying that I was a fool and she wished me a boring and ordinary life.

She then went on her mission, and our lives parted.

-What a … Seriously, said Shikamaru angrily, what kind of person does this?! 

-Please, don’t judge her just on this… This was really mean yes, even from her, but she wasn’t a bad person. She had my back plenty of times as well. I think she was a bit lost during that time. Everybody loved her but, she didn’t have many real friends. So when she thought she was losing me, she did something rash…

-Tsk, I can’t believe you’re defending her… Anyway, is it the truth, then? Nothing else happened that night?

-I already said no kid, don’t make me repeat myself.

-Okay, fine. So, to sum up, she left on mission, and when she never came back, the council declared her a traitor and she was banished. Then you decided to look for her yourself, despite what she did to mom, but you never found her and came back to Konoha, because of …me. Correct?

-Yes, that sums it up.

-Well there’s still a big part missing. Like, how and when did you meet Kaira if you never found Kalina, or how did she end up being your responsibility?

Shikaku sighed.

-You’re right, he said. There is still a big part of the story remaining. However, I cannot tell you everything about this part. There are things that I don’t even know. And there are things that you cannot know. I’ll try my best to fill in the blanks, because I promised I would, but some blanks are not meant to be filled. Also, it is not just about me anymore. This part is Kaira’s life, and it is not my place to tell you her story.

-Hm, I understand, said Shikamaru.

-Alright then… remember what I said about that old lady’s story?

Shikamaru nodded yes.

-Well, years later, when you were around four years old, I went on a mission far up north, to the country’s border. The diplomatic relations between countries were better, and when I finished my mission and found myself so close to the same mountains, I remembered what that old lady said. I thought “It has been years, what are the chances that I find anything up there, if this story is really about her family?”. But while I was thinking that, my legs started moving. I just couldn’t let this opportunity go.

I know what you must be thinking... After what she did, trying to split us up, why would I still care?

Maybe one day you’ll understand. There are some people in your life that are so important, you just cannot let them go, even if it hurts. When Kalina left Konoha… part of me disappeared with her. There was just no world where I could have stopped myself from caring for her.

-You’re wrong, interrupted Shikamaru. I do understand.

Seeing the severity of his son, Shikaku had no doubt he did.

-Sorry I presumed otherwise then, said Shikaku apologetically.

So… this is why I chased this tale, and roamed the mountains for days. Eventually, I stumbled upon a garden. A garden in the mountains! It was gorgeous, rivers and bridges everywhere. I walked through it for a while, until I saw a huge building. The closer I got, I started to realise it was more a palace than a house, built traditionally but beautifully. I couldn’t see anyone, but judging by the wonderful garden and the perfect state of the house, I knew there had to be people living there.

After finding this mysterious house, in the middle of nowhere, I got my hopes up. I thought, if that old lady’s tale is half true, I might actually find Kalina.

As I took a step forward to enter the outside corridor, I was suddenly put to the ground. I walked right into an ambush…

The ninjas who got me dragged me across the palace into another room, large with weapon racks all around. Unlike the rest of the house and the corridor they dragged me through, this room was not meant to be welcoming. I remember, when they threw me to the floor, the scent of blood imbued in the tatamis was so strong it made me nauseous. They hold me down until I heard someone coming into the room. Everyone around me straightened up, as if a king had entered the place. They pulled on my head to make me look up, and I saw him. He was a tall man, with the most severe expression on his face, as if he had never known joy. He was powerful too. He was wearing a sumptuous kimono, red and white with golden threads in his obi. From what I had seen outside, it was no surprise to see the man looked as wealthy as the palace he was living in. “What business does a Konoha spy have here?” he asked. I told him he was mistaken, I was not a spy and I stumbled upon his land by chance. He did not believe me. I will spare you the details, but following this, was one of the longest and hardest beat up I ever took.

-What?!, exclaimed Shikamaru, shocked. He beat you up, for no reason? You went all the way there just to get beaten up by a rich crazy guy?

-I won’t defend the jerk, but he had his reasons for not trusting me. He was convinced I was hiding my real mission and thought he could get the truth out of me.

Shikaku clenched his fists so tight, his knuckles became white. He could never remember that man without being filled with anger.

-You know that already Shikamaru, there are some sadists in this world, who just love and thrive on seeing others in pain. This man… I have rarely met crueller torturer. I honestly thought I was going to die that day. The more hurt I was, the more I regretted my foolish quest. Regretted not coming back to you straight away.

Just as I started to lose consciousness, I heard a woman screaming. Then, I was dropped on the floor, in the pool of my blood. The screams were louder and louder. I don’t remember very well, I couldn’t open my eyes anymore at this point, and it was really hard to stay awake. But I felt someone next to me who grabbed my shoulders. When I didn’t respond, I heard the woman yelling at my torturer. She was right next to me so I could hear clearly. Even after all this time, I could have recognized her voice amongst a thousand others.

It was Kalina.

I couldn’t believe it. I was too weak to know if I was dreaming, or to even open my eyes to figure it out. “Leave him alone!, she said. I won’t let you hurt him any longer!”

I heard the man reply something like “I will treat intruders as I please in my house, get out of the way now useless bitch!”

Then I heard her say “No, with him you won’t… I forbid you! If you even try to touch him, or go anywhere near him, I swear on the child I’m bearing that I will kill myself!!”

She must have been convincing, because I collapsed after that and I am still here.

Shikaku grabbed his gourd of water to drink up. Talking so much made him really thirsty. Then he took a small flask, which did not contain water. After reminiscing all this crap, he deserved the liquid courage, didn’t he? He took a sip before offering it to his son next to him, whose head he assumed, was probably spinning right now. He accepted it immediately. Shikamaru drank up.

-So, he said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. You did see her again. Who was that maniac she rescued you from?

-Her husband, answered Shikaku dryly.

In the midst of closing the flask, Shikamaru stopped to look at his father with wide eyes. He drank one more time before effectively closing it and giving it back to his father.

-Damn… why would she get married to such a jerk? From what you said, she didn’t sound like the type to settle. Is that why she deserted Konoha? To get married?

His questions remained without answer. His father only glanced at him before looking away.

-She didn’t really have much of a choice, is all he said.

-Hmpf, Shikamaru scoffed, so much for the legendary matriarchal clan… I thought Kalina was this powerful, badass kunoichi you keep telling about.

-She was the most powerful and skilled ninja I ever met!, Shikaku exclaimed proudly. You don’t know what happened, and you don’t get judge her, he scolded.

“The truth is, thought Shikaku, the woman who rescued me that day… she was but a shadow of herself.”

When he woke up, hours later after his beat up, Kalina was sitting next to him, tending to his wounds with clean water and towels. The moment he opened his eyes, she chased away the servants in the room. Same as that man, she was dressed sumptuously in a white kimono, which was now covered in his blood. When everybody was out and he sat up, he was immediately pinned back to the ground by the weight of Kalina, crying on his chest. How long they stayed like that, he doesn’t know. All he remembered was how wet his shirt was, and the whimpers of his best friend. She kept saying how sorry she was, how much she missed him and the village, and repeated it over and over, until her tears dried up.

-I didn’t mean to offend you, apologized Shikamaru. I just… I don’t understand how it happened, it doesn’t fit the character you depicted.

-It’s okay, I understand your reaction… I didn’t understand either, for a while. Anyway, that’s how she came back into my life. For years I kept it a secret… until three nights ago.

-No one knew?, asked Shikamaru.

-More like, no one in this country.

-What about the baby? Does Kaira have a sibling somewhere?

-… No. Kalina miscarried shortly after that day.

-Oh, I see… Then, what about Kaira in all this?

Shikaku’s already sombre mood darkened at this. He closed his eyes and sighed, before looking back at the altar where he first met his dearest friend.

-Almost nine years ago, I went to meet Kalina as I usually did every month. When I got there…

Shikaku took a deep breathe, about to say something, before closing his mouth.

-Well?, Shikamaru encouraged him.

-… She was dead, Shikaku finally said. There was no one to look after Kaira, so I decided to take her in, and look after her myself. I wish I could have just brought her here in Konoha, to live with us. But given Kalina’s status, I knew I could never do that… So I kept her a secret too. In the beginning, she would stay in the forest behind the house, for a night or two, before I could catch a mission abroad and take her with me. Making connections was always… difficult, for her. I never managed to find a place she could stay when I had to go back to Konoha. After a while, she told me she wanted to be independent from me, that she needed space. So, she put her skills to use and joined the guild of assassins. I didn’t particularly supported that decision, but it was hers to make, and I guess she is good at what she does. It pays very well you know? So, she got what she wanted, her independence. For the last years, we kept meeting in different places around the Five nations, depending on her assignments and my missions. Of course, with the responsibilities I got with the Hokage, it became more difficult to meet her, but I used every opportunity I had to do so.

Actually, about that… I apologize.

-What are you apologizing for?, asked Shikamaru, surprised at the sudden declaration.

-That I spent so much time with her, though she is not my blood, and so little with you, my own son. I don’t have any excuses to give you, I thought I was doing what was best. I thought…

-You thought she needed you more, didn’t you?, Shikamaru cut him. Well… I think every kid needs their parents, don’t you? But, I had two of those, and a clan, and friends, and she had none. I have to admit, you did piss me off going away all the time. I was angry for a while, but… I understand now. And though you weren’t there all the time… you are there when it matters. It’s okay dad, you did what was right to you. That’s all I ever hope for myself.

Father and son stared at each other, finally burying an angst between them that had been there for too long. His long-lasting guilt getting lighter by the second, Shikaku thought he couldn’t be prouder of his son, his accomplishments, his maturity. How much he had grown up in the last two years! How he put himself back together, and now he was on his way to take over his position when the next Hokage will be chosen. It truly made him happy.

Looking over to the sky, Shikaku realised it was quite late already. The sun was getting low, and they might miss dinner.

-Well… That was the end of my story. Let’s go back home, shall we?

Shikamaru nodded, and they got up the column they were sitting on. At the border of the forest, both took one last look at the altar.

Shikaku knew his son was no fool, he knew his story was not complete. But he knew better than to ask for more. For that, Shikaku was grateful.

They turned their backs to the ancient ruins, and started running home in silence. Shikaku imagined it was a lot to process at once for his son.

Eventually they reached the house. Like Shikaku assumed, it was late and Yoshino didn’t wait for them to serve dinner. From the courtyard, Shikaku watched his son being scolded by his mother, before he sat at the table, right in front of Kaira, who was still eating. She probably felt the attention, because she turned her head and looked at him.

All things considered, thought Shikaku, through all the hardship he had been through, he managed to raise two amazing kids. Although, troublesome ones. He did the best he could and he hoped it was enough.

He walked around the house and jumped onto the roof. He was not hungry, and couldn’t find it in himself to go and join the others. Just now, when he looked at them, he couldn’t help but feel a void in his heart, for his family was not complete. All these years, he had never spoken of her to anyone. Even with Kaira, they rarely talked about her. After telling his -no, _their_ story to his son, he missed Kalina immensely. And here he thought he was done grieving… what a fool he was. This was a loss that would always consume him. Some days were just harder than others. It will be better tomorrow. It has to.

\-----------------------------------------------------

Seeing that Shikaku was not joining them, Kaira got up and cleaned her plate. She was grateful she could spend dinner only with Yoshino, so she wouldn’t have to face Shikamaru. She wondered how much Shikaku told him. Probably, Shikamaru knew more than her now. She had no interest in the details. At least he didn’t have the look on his face. The pitiful one people give you when they learn you are an orphan. She had already told him that, so it was no news to him. Nevertheless, he seemed deep in thoughts, and questioning. However, Kaira had other priorities than Shikamaru’s hypothetical questions for now.

She left the kitchen and from the courtyard, spotted Shikaku onto the roof. She easily jumped and joined him. It was night already, and the sky was cloudy, hiding the moonlight. She was a few steps away, when a cloud cleared up the moon and she saw confirmation of what she assumed. Shiny drops of water, falling from his face. She walked slowly towards him, and sat behind him, her left side against his back. He was taller than her, even sat as they were. He sniffled.

-Go away kid… he said. I cannot talk anymore today. I just want silence.

-I don’t want to talk either, she answered.

-… Ok.

-I think, she added after a moment of silence, I am gonna stay here a little bit… for fresh air, she said softly. If that’s ok.

-… Ok.

Resting her head against his back, her hands around her knees, her body jerked a bit every time he sniffled. Eventually, sniffles became ragged breath, which became sobs, shaking her in every sense of the word. She pressed the palm of her hand on his back. It was all she could do, and she would stay like this as long as he needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally it is out ! Sorry for the wait, it was a long chapter and I really hope you enjoyed it so I can make up for it!
> 
> I really love Shikaku's character and I wanted to give him the spotlight for this chapter. The following ones will go back to our couple of interest :) Also I am preparing a short extra chapter because I feel bad for updating so late.
> 
> As usual, please do not hesitate to leave comments to let me know your thoughts!  
> And thanks for the kudos! =D


	11. Memories - The Bridge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo it has been a while... I wanted to write a short chapter like 1.5k as an introduction to my next big one, which will be the Shika x Kaira forced bonding day (thank you Shikaku!)  
> But look who hit the 6.6k words instead... I guess this makes it into a proper chapter. It is a bit different than the previous ones, I really hope you will enjoy it.  
> Thank you for reading this work and thanks for the kudos ! It means a lot to me as it is my first work.  
> Also, I'd be delighted to read your thoughts!  
> Enjoy ~

_That was one long day… I like my job, but it can get tiring sometimes. Kind of repetitive. Get contract to catch supposedly bad guy, bad guy is even more disgusting than advertised, teach bad guy a lesson and deliver him to get the ransom. Well, him whole or just his head, depending on the client’s wishes. Really, it is ridiculous the number of contracts I can get done in a month and yet, there is still as many heads to hunt every week. It never stops._

_Today’s jackass was from the White Rose, your favourite sex slave traffic network. I have to say, it is especially gratifying to get one of them pigs. Hopefully the authorities will deal with him appropriately. It was easy enough to break into their safehouse to catch him, since they gave me the freedom to choose what to do with any “obstacles” I may encounter. They cannot actually tell me to put down as many as I can now, can they? Wouldn’t be politically correct. So they tell me to take care of “obstacles” as I see fit instead. Tsk, hypocrites._

_Now that this has been taken care of, what to do? The city is actually nice if you ignore the underground drug and sex traffic, maybe I could stay a night or two in a ryokan? Would be a nice change of scenery, I can’t remember the last time I slept somewhere without dirt and leaves and roots in my back. Maybe the last time I saw Shikaku? Anyway… I don’t want to actually stay inside the city though, let’s look for an inn on the outskirt, maybe by the river?_

_\-----------------_

_It has been an hour walking now, the city is in my back and in front of me there are mostly trees, the river and I guess the furthest inn I could find on the other side of it. Oh and there is a beautiful wooden bridge, painted in red and gold, to cross over. I like bridges, so I walk over and stand in the middle, watching down. Below me runs a deep river with a fast current. Makes sense the ramp of the bridge is so high, no kid could fight this current. Looking at the bridge again, it reminds me… I remember crossing a similar bridge, above a stream, looking at the carps swimming. It was such a beautiful scenery, even more so because he was there with me. It was a great day, sunny and joyful… We watched the carps and then went in the stream and played in the water. I let him win and push me down. We were laughing so much. When he came to help me get up, drops of water were falling from his hair above me. With the sun behind him, his hair was sparkling. Not that he needed any sun to shine, but still._

_Him… For a moment there, I almost forgot. Even though I promised myself I wouldn’t think about it again. But I can’t help it, he is with me all the time… It will never go away, will it? No matter what Shikaku says… if something so insignificant as crossing a bridge sets me back to where I started, over and over, how will I ever get better?_

_This is so enraging, I want to scream my frustration to the world !.. But what’s the point? There is no one to listen._

_Locked in my throat, together with the millions of words and screams I kept inside since that day, this particular scream feels suffocating. My throat is so tight I can’t breathe, and when did it get so warm out here?! It has to stop._

_I rip off my jacket and my shirt, leaving me in just the strips of cloth around my breasts. Then, I climb on the ramp of the bridge, looking down at the cold river and the strong current. Just a quick swim in the cold water to put my ideas straight won’t hurt. And who knows? I might be lucky and hit my head on a rock down there. In any case, it won’t be so hot anymore._

_… Why am I not moving? I was just about to jump and- oh, of course, I recognise this. This unpleasant but familiar sensation stopping my movement. Shadow binding… how on Earth did Shikaku know where to find me? We’re not supposed to meet before a month! Can’t he mind his own damn business?!_

_Quite pissed, I fight against the shadow binding to turn my head towards the unwelcome company, preparing my deadliest glare._

_Must have been quite a glare, judging by the dreadful expression flashing on the surprisingly familiar face looking at me, kneeled at the entrance of the bridge, his hands in the typical binding sign. Impressively enough, he regains his composure pretty quickly. Fighting against the strain of my resistance to his jutsu, he manages to say:_

-S-sorry for interrupting… But I can’t let you do this! Maybe- Maybe we can talk this through together?

_Fuck. Shikaku is gonna be so pissed when he learns about this…_

_Or maybe.. he doesn’t have to know. If I make a run for it, I am pretty sure he won’t be fast enough to catch me, so he won’t have anything to tell anyone!_

_Ok, let’s do this…_

_I struggle for a second there, but eventually break free from the shadow binding and start running to the forest. I can hear his voice behind me calling me out._

_Hehe, there is no way you can catch up dude, just go back to wherever you came from!_

_…Seriously what’s wrong with him? It is none of his business if someone wants to jump in a river. The current is not even that strong… I would have been just fine!.. Probably. I guess maybe he is just like his daddy, incapable of keeping his nose out of other people’s business? Come to think of it, how long has it been since the last time I saw him? Maybe three of four years ago? Well I never actually saw him, as in meet him, but I got some glimpses when I was waiting for Shikaku in the Nara forest. I have to say, he grew up pretty good… Although, he really freaked me out for a second, looking so much like his dad._

_DAMN IT!!! THAT HURT!!!_

_Come on, seriously?! Out of all the hundreds of hours I spend running in a forest, the first time I am distracted and trip on a root had to be TODAY?! Fuck, I think I sprained my ankle…_

-Hey, are you okay?? I didn’t mean to scare you…

_Just. Fucking. Great. Now he caught up with me._

-Oh that looks bad. It is my fault, I scared you and you ran off and now you’re hurt… Please let me make it up to you? I will help you reach the inn and try to find a doctor. Oh, and my name is Shikamaru Nara.

_I see my clothes hanging from his right hand, did he get them from the bridge and followed me? Why? And now he is giving me his hand. No thank you. You’re not getting my name, I don’t need your help and I will get up on my own._

_\---------------------------------------------------------------_

_After I failed miserably to stand up on my feet – multiple times – I had to accept his help eventually… He actually carried me all the way here. From the outside, it didn’t look like he could do it honestly. He doesn’t have the strong build of Shikaku._

_Here we are, in a bedroom he paid for, with a dinner he paid for as well. Before that we waited for a while for someone to come and fix my ankle. I tried to make him understand I didn’t want anyone to come, but the message didn’t get through to him, so I eventually gave up and waited. In his defense, I suppose not talking didn’t help deliver the message. Anyway, I get free food now, so I am not gonna complain. Only thing I will complain about though… Man does he talk a lot! Does he usually ramble like that or is it only with people who got hurt after he stalked them in a forest?_

-… and Ino. Sent them a message so they know I am ok and what happened. You know, I feel really bad for you getting hurt like that, I didn’t think you would run away. I know it is none of my business but, I saw you inside the city, and you looked so sad… I don’t know what I was thinking, I just thought that I needed to ask if you were okay. But you were quite fast and without realising I ended up following you to that bridge…

_Uh, what?_

-… Ok it didn’t come out right, sorry, you must probably think I am some sort of a weirdo stalker now…

_You think?_

-But I assure you, I am a perfectly normal guy! And actually, I am normally not the type to interfere with anyone’s business, but when I saw you climb that ramp, I just… I don’t know, I had to do something. And then when you ran off and I saw your clothes on the bridge, I thought you might get cold, and I wondered if you might still want to hurt yourself… So I grabbed your clothes and followed you. By the way, I don’t know if I said this already, but I am sorry I used my shadow binding on you, I normally don’t use it outside of missions or training. Come to think of it, I have to ask… How did you break out of my jutsu? And you did it so… easily… No one has done that before. I am still quite shocked to be honest, and a bit ashamed it was so easy haha… Seriously though, how did you do it?

_Oh gee, I don’t know, because I am stronger than you? Duh…_

-…Okay, nevermind, you don’t have to tell me… I can only assume you are a ninja as well and probably a good one to break out my jutsu so easily... Not that I consider myself particularly strong! I mean, I am okay I guess but I am not the strongest ninja either, it’s just, it usually isn’t an easy jutsu to break out of, I mean – oh damn, I just keep blabbering, that’s so not me, really I swear. Please say something so I stop making a fool of myself?

_…_

-Please?

_… Sorry, that is out of my options._

_I do feel for you though, it is quite embarrassing to go on and on like that. You almost amuse me. Here you go, the best apologetic look I can manage, now let me go back to eating my plate._

-Ok… Can I at least know your name?

_…_

-Alright then… can I ask you something? You can just nod your answer.

_I give him a sign of the hand to tell him to go on._

-Are you mute? You have said absolutely nothing this whole time, and in the forest, I didn’t even hear you scream when you hurt your ankle. So I am just wondering, are you not talking to me because you can’t or because you won’t?

_I put down the bowl I had in my hands, and think for a moment. Hm, that’s a tricky one… I guess both are true. So I nod him a slight yes._

-Ok I see, I guess there is not much communication possible right now, I don’t even know how to sign, so I couldn’t understand you…

_Wonderful. Now that you got it, please leave._

-I know exactly what to do. Just wait here.

_Well, it’s not like I am going far with this busted ankle…_

_He goes to his backpack and search for something in it. He comes back a minute later, and clears out the table._

-Since we cannot talk, I have another idea how to pass time before I go back to my team.

_He picks up what he took from his backpack, and set it on the table. I cannot believe it. It has to be a joke._

-A Shogi board ! Travel size!

_A Shogi board…_

-My dad offered it to me. It helps me sometimes on missions to get some thoughts on the board… I can teach you how to play, it is not that hard.

_I can’t believe he would waste precious backpack space to carry a shogi game. At the same time, it’s also sooo predictable. Like father, like son…_

-Here we go! Everything is set up.

_He really does seem excited about playing._

-So, I am gonna start the game by moving this piece forward, what you can do now-

_I move my own piece forward before he finishes his sentence. I am curious to see what he is worth._

-Ok, so… I guess you do know how to play shogi?

_I give him a wave of my hand, suggesting I am average. This is gonna be fun._

-Haha ok, let’s start then…

_After fifteen minutes, I give him his first defeat, a bit surprised. For the second round, he steps up his game a little bit, but not enough as his second defeat shows him. It takes him a couple of defeats before he takes me seriously, but after that, the game was on. I lost the count, but after hours of playing, he actually manages to beat me as many times as I beat him. Every round our strategies are becoming sharper, as we learn each other’s preferences and techniques. It’s… intriguing. Actually, it is surprising how much you can learn about someone from their tactical choices. Every round I feel like I learn something new about his personality. From what I see, he tries as long as he can to avoid sacrificing his pawns. He probably is the kind of ninja who tries his hardest to keep everyone safe. He also is more short-tempered than he appears to be. After he lost three times in a row, he opted for a very offensive strategy that gave him a quick won, taking advantage of my surprise. I wonder if he is doing the same kind of analysis on me? If yes, what did he find? How much of myself am I giving out by playing this game? This thought scares me. I don’t want him to know me, and I don’t want to know him. I don’t want anyone to know me ever again. Maybe I shouldn’t have played with him. Maybe this is too risky._

_Nevertheless, I can’t help but notice… Every time I beat him, he smiles. And I would like to ask him why…_

-Is there something on my face? You’re staring.

_Oh. That was a misstep, I must be tired… I shake my head and straighten up, looking down at the board again. Shit, he won._

-Oh damn, he says with a yawn, have you seen the time? My team must be worried, I need to go back…

_He gets up and starts gathering his things. As I watch him collecting the shogi pieces, preparing to leave, I feel something strange inside my chest and my throat. I want to say something. But what could I possibly say? And what for?_

-Ok, I think I’ve got everything. Well, Bridge girl… It was a quiet but interesting evening. Thank you. I haven’t had this much fun playing in a long time. Actually, the only other person who ever beats me is my dad, so…

_He stands idly in front of me, his hand scratching the back of his head, smiling awkwardly._

-…Ok, I will go now. Doctor said you need to rest for at least a week without moving too much, I don’t have much money right now but I will pay for as many nights as I can, as an apology for scaring you off… Ok then, take care and, maybe we’ll meet again someday!

_He waves goodbye before turning his back on me. I feel uncomfortable, as if something is wrong… He is almost at the door now. Without thinking about it, I feel myself taking a deep breath and …_

_Nothing. No sound comes out of my mouth. I don’t know what I would have said, and I will never know, the words stuck forever in my throat. He left now, and I watch the door close on him while this awful feeling cripples me inside. Well, it is over now, just like I wanted. He is gone, has no clue who I am and Shikaku will never know we met. Just like I wanted. Then… why am I feeling so bad?_

_Doesn’t matter, better shake it off, go to bed and tomorrow I will get the hell out this place and back to the forest where I will be left in peace._

_What was that? Someone just knocked on the door. Could it be?.._

-Hey, it’s me again… Sorry for the intrusion but, actually I was standing behind the door and I couldn’t help thinking, before I leave, I thought, I wanted to ask you something – you don’t have to agree or anything, it’s just an idea and you probably don’t want to ever see my face again, but I was just wondering – damn it, here I go blabbering again, sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me today… I’ll make it short. I had fun tonight, and since you’re stuck here, I thought… Would it be okay if I come back in a week to visit you? I’d like to check up on you and we could play shogi or whatever…

_That’s a bad idea. If he comes back, we will get to know each other more, it’s too risky._

_While I think that, my head nods yes. Damn it…_

-Really?! Awesome! I will meet you here next Friday afternoon then. Take care and see you next week!

_The door shuts on him again. This time the awful feeling is gone. I bump my head on the tea table in front of me. Such. Bad. Idea. Why did I agree to this? And now I have to stay a whole week here, I cannot survive so long in the city… Why am I smiling? Stupid…_

_\-------------------------_

-Hey there Bridge girl, how is the ankle doing?.. Wow, you’re already back on your feet? That healed fast! Oh, check out what I brought with me…

_Seriously, what was I thinking a week ago when I agreed to this? I used my healing jutsu to recover faster, I could have left five days ago and yet I stupidly stayed here… I spent the whole week in anxiety because of him. What on Earth are we gonna do? Shogi is great and all, but I don’t want to play Shogi all day long… And we cannot even talk together, so what are we gonna do to pass time? Why did he even want to come back? He knows nothing of me. And it’s exactly as it should be. I should have just left five days ago, I seriously considered it. Even packed my stuff and bought supplies and all. But then I imagined his face when he would have come here and found I was gone, and I don’t know… It made me sad for him. But again, why should I bother? He is not part of my life, I don’t know him and he doesn’t know me, we are just strangers and I should have left when I had the chance. Now we are stuck together for a day with nothing to do, or talk about, or-_

-I have got food from Konoha – my village – and some mind games I thought you might like and also…

_What is he doing? He raised his hands in front of him and seems very focused._

-My. Shogi. Game. Of course.

_He accompanied each of his words with his hands. Did he just sign? Well, only one way to know. I learnt sign language as a mean to communicate if absolutely needed, I don’t use it much but I remember it pretty well. I ask him “Do you know how to sign?”._

-Hm I think you are asking me if I know how to sign, is that correct?

_I sign yes._

-Oh great! I didn’t get to practice with anyone so I didn’t know how well I actually understand. Since I left you last week, I read all the books on sign language I could find to learn it. See, I can understand you now! So, we can finally talk!!

_Wow. He actually learnt a whole new language just so he could… talk to me? And in a week? He must have worked really hard to learn so quickly. But… Why?_

-Uh… Are you ok?, he asks.

_I am speechless. Why would he go out of his way like that? What did I do to deserve so much effort from someone I don’t know?_

-I hope you don’t mind, I just thought that it would be the only way to talk with you. I don’t know why, I just… really want to get to know you.

_He seems sincere when he says he doesn’t know why. Strangely, I believe him. I myself don’t know why I agreed to see him again. I don’t know why the awful feeling was gone when I knew he was coming back. I don’t know why it makes me stupidly happy that he learnt a whole new language for me. I don’t know why. But it scares me._

_\---------------------------------_

_I have been seeing Shikamaru for about six weeks now, moving places every time depending on future missions and where we will be. We have seen each other every week-end, which is crazy knowing our respective jobs. Actually, I haven’t been taking so many jobs since I met him, only doing what is necessary to earn the minimum wage I need. I have rarely talked so much to someone. Well, not “talking” talking, but still._

_One day he wondered what I was doing for a living, since I was obviously a ninja but didn’t seem to belong to any village. So I told him I was an assassin, and that we work in a guild. I hesitated because I thought it would definitely scare him off, but he was actually interested in knowing how it works. As a ninja, he only ever sees the outside of things, he does what the Hokage tells him to do and he is not supposed to ask questions. While me on the other hand, I work underground, in the dark side of things that Hokages and Daimyos don’t tell their ninjas. I do what cannot be done in official ways. I do the dirty work. We talked much about it actually. He does question a lot the missions he is on, but he knows it is not in his rights to ask, so he keeps it to himself. He has a strong sense of justice that sometimes interferes with his duties. On this we agreed a lot._

_Another time, he told me he had become a chuunin couple of years ago, and after a mission that went particularly bad he lost a lot of confidence in his skills as a leader. He said it was something he was still struggling with. I tried to give him advices, and I offered to train him so he would get stronger. I thought it would give him more confidence. But then, he realised I was holding back a lot of my skills and he got upset… I explained that I didn’t want to risk to hurt him, that sometimes I don’t completely control what I do. I don’t know why it made him blush, but he seemed to be ok with that answer and we went back to training._

_I am not sure how I feel about this… whatever this is. I am swimming in dangerous water, getting friends with the son of my adoptive father. Though he still doesn’t know my name or the common parent we share, he knows so much about me already. Way more than I ever intended to give away. I just can’t help it, we start to discuss and when his voice stops, my hands start moving on their own, because once I answer… Then I can listen to him again. Every bit of information I give away scares the hell out of me. I feel both relief and terror every time I share a piece of my life with him. It goes both ways though. He shares a lot of himself with me as well. I feel so privileged, when he allows himself the vulnerability to share his worries, his weaknesses, his dreams. I drink his every word, and I feed on every bit of information I learn about him. For example, I learnt that he puts up way more hours of training than his teammates know, training alone in the forest, trying to get stronger all by himself, because he is terrified of losing any one of them. What I love learning the most are smaller things though, like how eating a lemon makes him close his eyes tight and shake his head. Or how much he adores dorayaki and his face is pure delight when he eats one. Or how he loves chips but doesn’t say it because it makes his best friend so happy to eat most of them. Or when we play shogi and I put him in a difficult position, he does this thing with his hands in a triangle but also, he closes his eyes and his eyebrows furrow while he thinks. Then, once he figured out a solution, a smile appears on his lips before he opens his eyes and plays his move. Anyway…_

_Right now, we were sitting in the grass by a stream, our campfire burning in our backs. It was night already and he had proposed to camp. He had noticed how uncomfortable I was staying in the city, a couple of weeks ago. Since then we had been camping. I highly preferred this._

_What was he asking me again?_

-You don’t have to tell me if it makes you uncomfortable. I was just curious whether you were born mute or not. But it doesn’t matter, no worries!

_That damn smile… What should I do? He did say I didn’t have to answer, but… It feels unfair to people who are actually born mute to pretend I was. But if I tell him that, I will have to tell the rest and… I don’t know if I can. Oh well…_

-Hm?

_I sign that this is gonna take some time to explain. He nods and settles more comfortably before locking eyes on my hands. I hesitate for a moment, before I collect my courage and starts my story._

_“ I wasn’t born this way. I could talk just like you until a bit more than a year ago. Something happened and… I just stopped talking. It is not that I couldn’t, but rather I didn’t want to. At least that’s how it was at first. Uhm… I will explain._

_I met a guy named Yoru. He was very sweet and kind to me. Not many people are and I was very surprised. Eventually, I fell in love with him. I thought he loved me too. At least he said so. My life has never been a cake walk as you know now, the only person I ever trusted to want my wellbeing is… my adoptive father. So, when this boy showed up, all nice and good to me, I should have been suspicious but… Instead I just thought “Maybe, just maybe, I got lucky and met a nice guy”. It is a bit embarrassing to say but, I think I fell so easily because I was really lonely. I am a bit older now and I think, maybe it was not so much love I felt, rather than the need to have someone. Someone who gives a shit about what happens to me. Someone who I could trust. I poured my heart and soul in him, told him things I had never said to anyone, feelings and memories I have never ever shared… He knew all about me. Maybe… that’s why it was so easy for him._

_One night, we were camping just like now the three of us, my adoptive father, Yoru and me. You see, my… father, he didn’t like me being alone with Yoru, he said I was too young to be alone with a boy older than me, so he made me promise to always tell him when we were meeting. At some point during the night… I woke up because I couldn’t breathe. When I opened my eyes, I saw a vision that still haunts me now. Yoru was on top of me, choking me with one hand, the other preparing a kunai. I thought I was having one hell of a nightmare. I could see the back of my father on the ground, but he wasn’t moving to help me, even though I was struggling. I also thought I was dreaming because everything was so blurry around me, and I had trouble ordering my body to do what I wanted. I understood later it was because I was drugged. But in that moment, I truly thought all of this was in my head. So I tried to escape my nightmare. My survival instincts kicked in and I shoved him off of me, then I ran in the forest. Everything was so foggy, I could barely see where I was going, and clearly I was not running as fast as I thought. I dodged a kunai and when I turned around, I saw Yoru chasing after me._

_I was in a dead end, stuck with my back to a cliff and Yoru coming at me. When I looked at him, it was like a different person. All the kindness, all the affection was gone, instead all I saw was a look I was rather familiar with. The look of someone who wanted me dead. I was pinching myself, pulling my hair, biting my arms, doing everything I could think of to make me wake up. Eventually… I had to realise the truth. This was reality, and my Yoru… wanted to kill me. I was… I don’t know what I was, I couldn’t believe it. So I asked him why. He stopped before looking at me and said… he said… he said…_

_…_

_Sorry, this is harder than I thought. I never told anyone this…_

_He said it had always been his mission. That I should understand, since we have basically the same jobs. Only difference is, he works for the kind of people that I am paid to kill. Since every single assassin sent before him ended up in pieces, he had suggested another approach to get to me, and when I would least expect it… get the job done. “See how brilliantly my plan worked” he said. He seemed so proud…_

_I cannot even begin to explain how I felt… I have been trying to put words on it for more than a year, and I still can’t. What I felt then, it was so intense, I didn’t even think about what I was doing. When I realised his only goal was to kill me, my next thought went to my father’s back that wasn’t moving… I completely lost it. I couldn’t bear to think he might be dead, all by my own stupidity. So, I let my body do what it does best… take my enemy’s life. I don’t even remember moving. What I do remember, is waking up from the fog my mind was in, and looking down. Down at all the blood. Down at the heart in my hand. Down at Yoru’s body on the ground. Down at his face, his eyes still opened. Then, I don’t know, something… snapped, in me. Something broke…_

_And I screamed. I screamed louder than I had ever screamed in my life. At some point, I saw my father in the bushes. He was alive but hurt. I wanted to ask how he was, but I couldn’t stop screaming. He looked at Yoru, at my hand, and at me, and I think he figured it out for himself. I remember him sitting next to me, taking me in his arms and trying to make me drop Yoru’s heart. But I wouldn’t, and I kept screaming in his arms. I don’t know how long it lasted, I eventually fainted. When I woke up, I was wearing clean clothes, except for my hand. My hand was still holding onto his heart. My father had dug up a hole to bury Yoru. So, I put the heart with his body in the ground, and watched my father bury him. I stood in front of it for a while, until my father came and brought me hot water to clean my hands._

_That scream… it is the last sound that ever came out of my mouth._

_At first, I simply didn’t want to talk. To anyone. I thought, if I don’t talk to anyone, then… Nevermind. “_

-I understand, I think. If I were you, I would have thought “if he didn’t know me so well, none of this would have happened. If I didn’t trust him, he wouldn’t have betrayed me. If I didn’t share my life with him, he would have never been close enough to kill me.” Is that what you thought?

_I nod yes, surprised that he understood._

-So basically, you thought, if from this point on, no one ever gets to know you, you will never have to suffer like this again. This way you were protecting yourself.

_I nod yes again. Then I sign to tell him :_

_“ A couple of months later, I wanted to tell something to someone and then I realised… My voice was gone. It didn’t bother me so much really, it only bothered me that my silence was not a matter of choice anymore.”_

-I see... thank you for sharing this with me. Really. I am so sorry you had to go through this… Honestly, I feel really mad right now even though the guy is dead… Anyway. You know, it does make sense. I mean logically, if there is no one in your life who knows you, who you trust, obviously you can never be betrayed but, if I may ask… Was it worth it? I mean, if no one knows you enough to betray you, doesn’t it also mean that no one knows you enough to love you? I can’t imagine how lonely you must have been, all this time, with no friend to talk to, no one to share your life with… So I can’t help but wonder, is it worth it? Is being alone better than risking pain?

_That is a tough one. I wondered the same thing many times. But now, I found the answer. So I signed my answer._

_“Yes, I thought so…”_

_He doesn’t see the rest, as he looks away from me, biting his lip. He seems hurt. With my hand, I reach the side of his face and turn him so he faces me again, before I repeat myself :_

_“Yes, I thought so… Until I met you.”_

_I feel my cheeks burn from embarrassment. I look down, hands of my thighs, afraid to look up at him and see what he thinks. I see his hands grabbing mines._

-Look at me, Bridge girl.

_How could I not with such a compelling voice?_

-I want to promise you, whether you believe me or not, that I would never, ever want to hurt you. Now I understand, how hard it must have been for you, sharing everything you shared with me. I can only cherish it more now. And I understand, why you withhold things about your identity, even your name. But I want you to know, it doesn’t matter. I don’t need your name. I don’t need your family name either. Hell, I don’t even need your nationality! I don’t need your age, I don’t need your rank, I don’t need your kill count. These things are not you, these things are useless. I don’t need them, because I know _you_. I know what an amazing person you are. I know your stubbornness, I know your short-temper… I know your generosity, although there are foods that should never _ever_ be shared… And even though there is still so much I don’t know, what I do know, is that you deserve so much more than being alone in this world. My only wish, is that you would believe it yourself. And one more thing…

_As if I wasn’t already confused enough by his nonsense, he is taking my hands to his lips. Oh God he kissed them, and now he is looking straight in my eyes! You’re killing me, stupid Shikamaru!_

-Thank you, Bridge girl, for letting me know you.

_Damn it, how could he? After everything I just said, how could he want to stay in my life and say such things? Damn it Shikamaru… I am not strong enough for this. He was right. I had been alone. I had been alone before Yoru, and I had been since then. So fucking alone. But he had to come in my life, and be a perfect, smart, funny and beautiful gentleman. It had been so easy to connect with him… I could literally feel myself fall bit by bit since we met. But this, what he just said… I am officially in free fall now._

_Oh, what the hell. If I am gonna keep falling, it will be head on._

_Without giving it any further thought, I grab him by his jacket and pull him into a kiss. Might have been slightly brutal, our lips clashing a bit too fast. But then, a shadow of doubt comes in my mind, so I release his jacket to give him some space. What if I overread into things? Maybe he was just genuinely nice to me, I mean, he really is a nice-_

_I don’t get to finish that thought, as his hand come to cup my face and brings me into another kiss, much more tender this time. It remains a chaste kiss, with only our lips pressed together. He breaks the kiss to look at me. He chuckles._

-I have to say I wasn’t expecting this, Bridge girl. Oh don’t get me wrong, I am really, really happy.

_Something bothers me when he says that. I don’t want to be Bridge girl anymore. In fact, I have always hated it when he called me like this. I need to do something about it._

-K-Kai…

-What?

-ra…

-Did you just talk?! What did you say??

_I sigh. Why is this so hard? My voice is so small… Come on K-, you can do it!_

-Kai..ra.

_Pffew, finally!_

-Kaira? Is that… Is that your name? Is your name Kaira?

_I nod vigorously and Shikamaru smiles widely._

-Y-yes…

-By the kamis! That’s incredible!! I am so freakin’ happy to hear your voice! Oh, let me rephrase then.

Thank you _Kaira_ … it is a pleasure knowing you. And I can’t wait to know more…


End file.
